Apparently, making the best album of the year isn’t enough to keep you from getting the bad kind of attention. When Fiona Apple was arrested for drug possession last week, her name popped up on a lot of gossip sites, and it hasn’t left even as her usual touring schedule has resumed; her weight and appearance have been subjects of quite a few clickbait articles. And at a show in Clearwater, Florida on Saturday night, Apple clapped back at all that stuff in an utterly endearing eight-minute ramble, delivered while sitting crisscross applesauce on the edge of the stage. She started out by apologizing for talking shit about the Texan cops who jailed her, and then went on to make larger points about the way certain corners of the internet have portrayed her. Below, read some of those comments and watch a fan-made video.
I have so much that I’d like to respond to about the millions and millions of articles that I have shamefully — I’ve given away my computer because I cannot do it anymore. I’m trying to keep track of all the fuckin’ things that are said, but I can’t do it, so whoever’s going to write about me, go ahead. I’m not going to read it. But Perez Hilton, I should never have seen this, but to hire experts to comment and say that I am sick is totally, totally irresponsible and dangerous. And you should know better, and so should everybody that’s talking about me like that. Because if I am sick, then I don’t know it. And if I find out, then you’re going to feel real bad.
And I’m not on any drugs. I had some bourbon before I came out here. I’ve always been honest. Why would I be dishonest about anything. I just want to say, though: I realize that it’s hopeless and ridiculous for me to ask this. But Perez Hilton, TMZ, whoever you represent, I’m not invulnerable to this stuff. I’ve been around for many years, but it hurts. I spent all of yesterday — I don’t need to hear that I’m 98 years old just because I didn’t have a facelift in the last seven years. I’m fuckin’ losing weight because I’m having trouble digesting food because your guts are connected to your brain. I have a lot of stress in my brain.
So lay off of that stuff because it hurts my feelings. If for no other reason, that should be a good enough reason. Stop hurting people’s feelings. Stop bullying people because you were bullied. I know that’s not what you are. It can’t be. I hope it’s not. Anyway, please stop hurting my feelings because it really fucking bothers me. It really, really does, seriously, seriously. Please stop. It doesn’t matter what I look like.
And later in the show, she said, “And another thing: Don’t call me frail, everybody. I’ll beat the hell out of you.”