Hello

Thanks to Bob, I can’t get the image of clay Lionel Richie out of my head. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout, right? The awesomely, awesomely bad video for “Hello”? Here’s what Bob had to say about this masterpiece after it popped up on VH1 Classic the other day:

JACKPOT! Best. Video. Ever. In case you haven’t seen it, Lionel Richie plays a teacher that stalks one of his students who happens to blind. Now, if you ask me, that’s just lazy. Who couldn’t stalk a blind person? You don’t even have to hide! But anyway, Lionel spends the entire video following her around and singing “Hellooooo…. Is it me you’re looking for?” which is kind of fucked up if you think about it. If I did that to a blind girl people would call me ‘evil’ and say I was going to hell. “Hey, Blind Girl! Is it me you’re looking for?” What’s romantic about that? So Lionel stalks her for the entire video, and then, at the end, we get the best payoff ever. The blind girl happens to be an expert sculptor. She calls Lionel into the art room to show him the sculpture she’s been working on and says, “This is how I see you.” She rotates the bust around and there it is… Patrick Ewing.

I had to thank Bob right away for bringing the video back into my consciousness.

Stereogum: he’s got the funniest head in the world
Bob: its like a football with a jeri curl
Stereogum: the best part is when he sings into the phone “helloooooooo”
Bob: i like how he’s singing right in her face but she has no clue, because you know, she’s blind

Wait, maybe you’re not finding it as funny as I am. Perhaps visual aids would help?


See him stalking his blind student? Creepy.


Every breath you take, every move you make… Nice sweater.


He even follows her to dance class. Shouldn’t she be dancing on the ceiling?


Better.


He calls her at home. It’s the ’80s so she doesn’t have Caller ID.


“Hel-loooooooooooo.”


“Is this Billy Ocean! It’s Billy Ocean isn’t it?!”


“No no no. It’s Professor Richie.”


“Oh.”


Alas, she falls for him.


“Hi. I have a surprise for you.”


“Hel-loooooooooooo. It’s beautiful.”


“No, you’re beautiful. Although I do have blindness of the eyes.”


THE END.

See, wasn’t that fun? If you’re still intrigued watch the full video.

Fun fact: TODAY marks the twentieth anniversary of the “We Are the World” recording session, As I’m sure you remember, Lionel Richie and Michael Jackson composed the USA For Africa ballad and 43 big-name musicans and Dan Akroyd gathered in Quincy Jones’ basement to record it. The single raised millions of dollars for famine relief (and won Grammys for Song and Record Of The Year). You can check out photos and the music video here or pick up the two DVD set (benefitting tsunami victims) on 2/1. I always found the video so much fun to watch. All the celebs turned on their most extreme personalities because each person only got to sing a line or two. So Cyndi Lauper is so unusual, Bruce Springsteen gets all super Springsteen-y, and Michael Jackson is like, “I’m so famous I won’t even be in the same room with you people.” You know Kenny Loggins was all, “Quinnnnnnnncy, how come Bruce gets like, ten lines and I don’t have ONE?”