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  • The 55th Annual Grammy Awards
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Has it really only been a year since Adele swept the 2012 Grammys? Well, she didn’t win Best New Artist, of course, because she wasn’t eligible for that one. That particular trophy was awarded to “new artist” Justin Vernon, aka Bon Iver, whose debut album, For Emma Forever Ago, came out the same year as Adele’s debut album, 19: in 2008! Ah, ragging on the 2012 Grammys — how we’ll miss thee! But no longer. Because tonight — and for the next year — we’ll be ragging on the 2013 Grammys! And that’s why we’re here, people, at this impromptu Comment Party, to which you are very much invited.

Who will be this year’s Adele? Well, you’ll hear the names Black Keys, Frank Ocean, fun., Gotye, and of course ol’ man Mumford and his boys, called out a bunch of times. Some that have already won (but won’t be televised) include: Gotye for Best Alternative Album, beating out our best album of 2012 (Fiona Apple’s The Idler Wheel …); Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for Best Score Soundtrack; Björk for Best Recording Package; Jay-Z and Kanye West for Best Rap Performance and Best Rap Song; Drake for Best Rap Album; Black Keys for Best Rock Album and Best Rock Song; and Miguel for Best R&B Song. (Um … so what exactly will be televised?)

So, without further ado … let’s party! Before we begin, though, some dress code notes, courtesy of CBS. Ahem:

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

I repeat: “Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ’puffy’ bare skin exposure.” We straight? Cool. So let’s do this! Team Stereogum will see you in the comments, drinks in hand, properly attired. As always.

Comments (279)

  2. Pretty sure Rihanna and Katy Perry have already violated CBS’s dress code.

  3. Taylor Swift or a segment from Kids Incorporated?

  4. Is this the circus from Hell with T-Swizzle as the ring master?

  5. Anyone got a Rick Moody animated .gif

  6. They gave out so many big awards before the show. Even they know we don’t care about who wins.

  7. Cirque Du Soleil theme for Taylor Swift? Where’s the wolverine with a boner on a unicycle?

  8. I think I might be winning a Grammy tonight, by the way — So far, they’ve been handing those things out to anyone who is slightly white and male.

  9. And CBS’s blatant self-promotion begins with another one if their TV stars hosting again this year?

  10. I’m just waiting to see what Chipotle has in store for us this year.

  11. Any thoughts on Patrick Carney?

  12. Panic! @ The Swift(o)

  13. Newbie here – do I need to constantly refresh this comment party?

  14. I think LL Cool J’s rant is sending some serious side eye at the Justin Vernon and Ed Drostes of the world…

  15. Lil’ B should perform

  16. Damn, that song about the girl who smokes too much crack is so pretty… and terrible….

  17. I wish this thing was broadcast live here (and it wasn’t the middle of the night) so I could try make little jokes in this comment party. Have fun guys.

  18. Glad Ron Weasley has a career post-Harry Potter

  19. So far two performances (although neither was bad) and one really long random monologue. And still no awards

  20. Has that Fun song only been around for a year? It feels like WAY longer.

  21. Ok who wins this? I say crj

  22. First award announced at 8:20 p.m. EST.

  23. Damn Adele STILL owning the Grammys!

  24. At least Adele kept it short

  25. We should all agree to blame Tom if Mumford wins best album. And we should be really irrational about it.

  26. Well, this explains the rain boots…

  27. awww its raining on all the fun. !

  28. Wait what about Bob Marley?!?!?

  29. i <3 sofia vergara

  30. I would love to actually hate-watch the grammys, but I’m going to a Pallbearer/Enslaved concert soon and youtube exists so I should be able to see all the highlights later, right?

    • This is as good a place as any to note that the Hard Rock/Metal category was filled with artists who peaked three decades ago (Iron Maiden, Anthrax) and won by an act I’ve never heard of (Halestorm?). Also: please buy me the blue Pallbearer shirt, size L. Thanks!

    • Update: Pallbearer was awesome, Enslaved were really good (though a bit too proggy for my tastes), but Royal Thunder was probably the best band of the night. Damn, people from the South are good at music.

  31. oh HELL YES slow jam honda presidents

  32. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to ever watch cbs for anything other than football or the grammys,….

  33. “Call Me Maybe” should win every single award.

  34. is it just me, or are these country artists not very good singers?

  35. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  36. Tom must be loving this — His girl, Miranda. His boys, Mumford (w/ Sons.) Just need a Skrillex appearance, and he’ll be all set for the night.

  37. Is this what a lobotomy feels like?

  38. I think Miranda Lambert stole Barbie’s microphone. And her nail polish.

  39. oh snap miguel

  40. I’m (probably) not going to do this all night but: second award announced at 8:43 p.m. EST.

  41. I did not expect a performance from Miguel, NOR did I expect him to present…. country solo performance?

  42. Yay! Country! Too bad I live north of Tennessee and thus couldn’t care less.

  43. I’d like for Carrie Underwood to blow me away amirite?

  44. That Carrie Underwood song is NOT a country song.

  45. Not even one mention of Frank Ocean yet

    • Saving it for the end, just like they saved Arcade Fire since they know the indie-laced viewers who would not otherwise tune in will keep asking “Not even one mention of Frank Ocean yet” all the way up until 10:30pm when all their old viewers have gone to bed.

  46. A rapper and an R&B singers sending a award for the whitest music around?

  47. Think we can hold out for a surprise Fall Out Boy performance??

  48. That one token African-American just made a lot of white people feel uncomfortable.

  49. Johnny Depp to introduce the Mumford & Dump — Sh-t, first Tom, and now Edward Scissorhands is going to try to convince me they’re relevant?

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