There’s an old bit of rock apocrypha — since refuted — that goes a little something like this: On the eve of the two-and-a-half-year Use Your Illusion tour in 1991, Axl Rose gathered the other members of Guns N’ Roses, and threatened to quit the band if they didn’t sign over to him all rights to the GNR name … which, of course, they were forced to do, lest they lose everything altogether. Let’s assume for a second that’s stone-cold fact: That tour may have — arguably! — kicked off with more turbulence than the one upon which Morrissey is set to embark.

To recap: First Moz canceled a bunch of tour dates due to a bleeding ulcer. Then, he got into an insane (and STILL unresolved) battle of wills with L.A.’s Staples Center regarding the venue’s alleged agreement/lack thereof to go vegetarian for his 3/1 performance. Then he issued a public ultimatum to Jimmy Kimmel, announcing that he would not appear on Kimmel’s show if another scheduled guest, the animal-slaughtering cast of Duck Dynasty, were also to appear. (Somewhere in here, too, he managed to do an interview with Rookie that made Schopenhauer look like Regis Philbin by comparison.) So Kimmel called Moz’s bluff, went with Duck Dynasty over the former Smiths frontman. Fair play, Kimmel! I wasn’t going to watch either way! But then, to stir the pot a bit, Kimmel decided to spend generous portions of his broadcast mocking Morrissey, and — by extension — depression, animal-rights activists, animals, and vegetarians. Among other things, Kimmel said that he chose Duck Dynasty over Morrissey because “they have guns and Morrissey doesn’t.” Ha! Stinging barb, Kimmel! Except, of course, Morrissey is wielding a handsome tommy gun on the cover of You Are The Quarry. Maybe you should have said, “We went with Duck Dynasty because they have beards and Morrissey doesn’t.” Or — and I’m just spitballing here, feel free to massage this one till the language is just right — “We went with Duck Dynasty because they have 6.5 million viewers and Morrissey doesn’t have a record deal.” Whatever! Next time!

Anyway, the barrage of jabs proved too much for Morrissey, who was forced to exit his cone of silence and make a statement in response. Said Moz:

I was disappointed with last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Show wherein our smiling host managed to ridicule depression (70% of Americans suffer from depression according to the National Institute of Mental Health). He then found time to ridicule healthy eating (the obesity epidemic in the U.S. costs $147 billion per year in medical expenditure), and he also ridiculed the notion that animals should be entitled to the possession of their own lives. Furthermore, he found time to jokingly promote gun-ownership — hugely amusing for the parents at Sandy Hook, no doubt. He also promoted his special guests Duck Dynasty — who kill beings for fun. None of the above issues are, of course, as important as Jimmy Kimmel himself, who has finally revealed his show to have an overwhelming loss of meaning. Tune in and relive the intellectual fog of the 1950s.

Where’s the beef? It’s right here, and it is H-O-T hot! Except it’s tofu, kid. Dee-lish.

Watch Kimmel and the Duck Dynasty gang mock Morrissey below.

UPDATE: Kimmel addressed the drama in Wednesday night’s monologue:

“This has nothing to do with people who eat meat versus people who don’t. I’m completely respectful of people who do not eat meat, but the statement he made is ridiculous. I’d like to invite him to join the show to discuss. I’m an open, even-handed person, and I consider all points of view. … If I keep saying it, maybe it will be true. I’ve invited him to talk this out, and perhaps we will both be better men for it, but probably not.”

Comments (83)
  1. ZZZZzzzzz..

  2. Is the part where he said “he keeps finding ways to depress us” when he “ridiculed” (Morrissey) and “mocked – by extension” (‘Gum) depression? Just making sure I have this right…

  3. This is a pretty intellectually dishonest response. Making fun of depression? Obesity? Dragging Sandy Hook in to make a point? That’s pretty gross, Morrissey.

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      • You didn’t really admit you don’t know what Duck Dynasty is and then proceed to comment on it, did you?

        • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • How does one become so pompous? I wish I could make such broad, reductive statements so easily, but that would require me to shut off the part of my brain that does critical thinking. Sadly, this prevents me from reducing the complex issue of gun violence to the knee-jerk “It’s the media’s fault!”

          • Jesus man, all I said was there’s no way a show like this helps with the issue of violence in our culture. When did I say it’s entirely the media’s fault? I completely agree that you can’t blame it on one thing, but I do think if we want to solve the problem then it’ll take a ton of tiny steps, and getting rid of violent reality shows might be one of those steps. I guess that makes me a pompous ass though huh.

          • Thank you! Finally! Someone who sees the link between duck hunting and homicide! How does Duck Dynasty have the nerve to make a show about a family who owns a company that makes duck hunting supplies, while our country is still healing from the atrocious repercussions of this violent video game?

          • Nathan, take it easy on the poor guy. He hasn’t even seen the show, but yet somehow felt qualified to comment on it.

          • I’ve never actively watched the show, but it’s been on around me before, and I’m pretty sure your admittedly ignorant take is also pretty inaccurate. The show follows a family who are from backwoods Louisiana who made a shit ton of money making and selling duck calls, which are decoy ducks used by duck hunters. They’re basically rubber duckies for grown ups. While the show may involve hunting, but it’s really about the supposedly hilarious hijinks that arise out of the paradox that this family of hillbilly-looking fellows have fuck-you money.

            I’m not saying the show has any redeeming qualities, but it’s not “about shooting at ducks.” It’s the “Beverly Hillbillies” meets “The Osbournes.” If you’re gonna argue that it glorifies gun culture, then so does pretty much every other piece of culture out there. At least Duck Dynasty doesn’t involve shooting at humans, which I can’t say about “The Wire,” “The Sopranos,” “The Godfather,” “Pulp Fiction,” etc. etc.

      • Doing nothing about the gun epidemic does not equal supporting guns and violence. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself as an overly complacent person.

  4. Um sum ppl have 2 hunt 2 survive Morrisey bb.

  5. Ugh. Naturally Moz lacks the self awareness to realize that Kimmel is actually just attacking is inflated ego, albeit in an unfunny way.

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    • Morrissey goes about these incidents completely wrong. I’m a vegetarian and I’m utterly embarrassed by him. He could book shows more responsibly instead of bitching a few days before, when it’s too late to successfully change anything. It’s so obviously an attention grab, and it does nothing to promote animal rights, but instead scares people away from it, for fear that they may too become douchebags if they stop eating meat. Kimmel could have made smarter jokes, but he has free reign to ridicule someone who attempted to ruin his show.

    • Kimmel gets paid to make fun of celebrities.

    • Loreena is either an uber butthurt vegan or the ultimate troll.

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  9. Absolutely nothing wrong with what Kimmel said. Morrissey needs a sense of humor.

    • Right? His response, bringing in Sandy Hook and all that stuff, made me sick. I mean, get over yourself, it’s a joke.

      Morrissey’s antics lately have been less and less amusing and more obnoxious.

      • First off, I love Morrissey and animals. I’m not saying this as a defense to Kimmel, but rather just in regards to Morrissey upping the ante in general with his animal rights agenda, but when your beliefs get to the point where you cannot reasonably coexist with others who are reasonably different than you, it doesn’t make you some sort of hero for standing up for your beliefs — It makes you part of the world’s problems. Yesterday, Morrissey made a remark in some interview where he said that the reason we have wars is because there are too many heterosexual men who want to kill each other. I’m inclined to believe the reason we have wars is because people like Morrissey do not know how to tolerate differences.

      • @fistofan

        Same here, I half expected him to enlighten us as to how Kimmels rant affected 9/11 victims

  10. Moz should’ve gone on the show and stood up for himself instead of cancelling.

    I still think Michael_ had the right of it saying he’s just looking for excuses to cancel more gigs.

    • Another theory I’ve come up with tonight is that he still doesn’t have a record deal and is hoping these publicity stunts are a means to ignite interest in his brand (even if it’s negative and kind of makes him look unmarketable to play shows and book appearances.)

    • “Moz should’ve gone on the show and stood up for himself instead of cancelling.”

      Exactly! Start a friggin dialogue instead of stamping your feet like a toddler because you can’t have your way.

      • It would have also had the bonus effect of showing ticket holders that he CAN actually perform in the year 2013.

        • However, many well respected bands have made stands by not performing with certain guests being booked. That happened on SNL with casts members who wouldn’t perform because the chauvinistic Andrew Dice Clay was playing. Sometimes not performing is the ultimate stand up for your ideals. I still think Morrisey is quite over the top, but at the same time, its not easy to just say its a publicity stunt and/or blame it on a hope to boost record sales. He’s made it his mission in life to have his ideals and morals reflect every inch of his entertainment engagements. For better or for worse, at least he’s standing for ideals that I should hope must of us think are noble. Its not completely as black and white as some on the board make it. He does run his mouth off alot, but while he may have gone slightly over the top in his assessment of Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes, ect., its just too easy and not appropriate to brand Moz an attention whore.

  11. serenity now

  12. This just in! Morrissey would like to stop being referred to as “Moz,” as it reminds him too much of mozzarella cheese.

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  14. Way to go Kimmel!

    P.S. Mike Nelson, way to completely take Morrissey’s utterly insane side of this beef.

  15. Hey, Morrissey…get over yourself, douchebag.

  16. morrisey sos intrascendente comprate una vida con las regalias de las canciones de the smiths. y vos si comes carne, de hombre, todos los dias hasta que te mueras.

    • Just for kicks I’m going to post the shitty google translation of whatever you just said:

      morrisey comprate’re inconsequential life with royalties from the songs of The Smiths. and if you eat meat, man, every day until you die.

      now let’s see if we can all rearrange those words in a way that actually makes sense.

      • Let me use my High School level Spanish skills:

        Morrissey (Sos?) Inconsequential purchases you a life with the gifts of song of the Smiths, and you all eat meat, of hunger, every days until you die.

        Morrissey’s opinions are inconsequential, because he gave you all the songs of The Smiths. You all eat meat cause you’re hungry, every day until you die.


  17. I’m glad Morrissey doesn’t take things too seriously

  18. Maybe Morrissey has actually been dead for several months now, and his management team is just trying to preserve the illusion for as long as possible.

  19. at the barbershop i go to, there’s a sign on one wall that reads “vegetarian: indian word for bad hunter.” you know, hilarious stuff. my point is, i’m a vegetarian, and although i know kimmel and the dd boys were having some fun, the segment was kind of lame, as were the jokes. also, kind of ignorant. morrissey might be acting a little presumptuous with his comments and overly insulted, but i get where he’s coming from.

  20. Apparently Kanye East can’t take a joke

  21. Baffled by the slant Stereogum (or I hope just Michael Nelson) took on this one. Listen, I know Morrissey is a hero to many of you and Kimmel is just that dude who made the Man Show, but some gentle ribbing does not put Kimmel in the wrong. Morrissey’s response is self-serving and idiotic and to defend it seems very wrongheaded.

  22. Morrissey, upset at Kimmel “ridiculing depression?” Heard any Morrissey song titles lately?

  23. What I said in the OTHER thread about Morrissey complaining.

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    • Your avatar makes me sick everytime I see it. Consider changing it, please.

    • First,
      do you really think the leader of the Smiths is jealous of a stupid american tv show? Seems pretty unlikely.

      Kill Uncle (1991)
      Your Arsenal (1992)
      Vauxhall And I (1994)
      Southpaw Grammar (1995)
      Maladjusted (1997)
      You Are The Quarry (2004)
      Ringleader Of The Tormentors (2006)
      Years Of Refusal (2009)

  25. Seems like a real down to earth kinda guy.

  26. Morrissey has gotten increasingly insufferable over the years.

  27. I dunno. He has a right to stand up for his ideals, regardless if they seem over the top. That my opinion.

  28. has anyone read that interview with rookie mag?

    “If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men”

    Has he ever heard of Jeff Dahmer?! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

  29. “If there’s something you’d like to try / If there’s something you’d like to try. Ask me I can’t say ‘no’ / How could I?”

    Morrisey, I would like to try a big juicy steak. Would you like to join me in eating a big juicy steak? You can’t say no, how could you? They’re delicious!!

  30. I once went to a Morrisey show as a teen (LONG time ago). Towards the end of I believe the second song, he just decided he could no longer ‘take’ the extreme adoration of his fans who were throwing flowers at him and trying to clamor on stage to touch him (all things he initially encouraged, BTW). He very dramatically said “I can’t go on like this… show’s over”, dropped the mic, and sauntered off the stage. His band looked bewildered, and then slowly started to shrug and put down their instruments and leave. That was it. Two songs, max.

    I was a *huge* fan, and had been looking forward to that show for months. I had paid what was a handsome sum to a teenager for good seats for me and a girl I liked. I could only think of him as an insufferable douchebag from that point on. I don’t care how awesome The Smiths were, I will still always think that guy sucks, and he’s not doing anything to change my mind to this day.

  31. Odd religion, this vegan thing. This is what I do so, I will force it on you. It is the new Spanish Inquisition.

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