Tom Cruise And Rob Thomas Are Lovers

Stereogum | June 30, 2005 - 10:19 am

I’ve been forwarded this e-mail 6,000 times this week. (Please stop, thanks.) So ridiculous, but it’s about Rob Thomas (i.e., music-related) I get to post it and read all your witty dismissals. Rob Thomas, no so ‘smooth’ after all? I’m assuming the glossy gossip weeklies aren’t touching this one. Independent Sources, why do you hate Scientology so? Didn’t you listen to that heartbreaking Leonard Cohen ballad I posted?

Tom Cruise and Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas are lovers!

No doubt that anyone with an Internet connection has read about Tom Cruise being gay. According to rumor lore, he has had a long-time boyfriend in Chicago who is an Asian pilot for American Airlines. This is an accusation that Cruise and more importantly Cruise’s many attorneys vehemently deny.

There have been many stories that supposedly corroborate his sexuality but never a smoking gun. Rumor mongers attribute this to the fact that Cruise goes to great lengths to cover his tracks. We are told that everyone around him signs extensive confidentiality contracts with enormous penalties for indiscretion. (Exhibit A: the 8-page confidentiality contract Cruise’s housekeeper was forced to sign).

Such stories have been around for years and Cruise has evidently attempted to counter them with a series of high-profile heteronormative relationships. First, Nicole Kidman, then Penelope Cruz, and most recently Katie Holmes. In each instance, the “relationship” is actually a contract that gives the women a boost to their careers, a lot of money, and an elegant lifestyle.

Here is where this particular rumor gets interesting. Not long ago, Marisol, the wife of Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas (who has had to contend with his own rumors of bi-sexuality) found her husband in bed with Tom Cruise causing Cruise’s people to shift into high gear.

First, Mrs. Rob Thomas was bought off for an undetermined sum.
Second, Cruise and his handlers set out to immediately find Cruise a girlfriend. Second-tier actresses were targeted. A list was drawn up with Jessica Alba (#1 pick) and three other girls who fell out for various reasons. Originally targeted (#3 I think) but later rejected as “undesirable” was rumor queen Lindsay Lohan. Way down at #5 on the list was Katie Holmes, but that was the one with whom they were able to strike a deal.

Once the contact was signed, photo ops were set up, leaks were made to the right places, and we’ve had celebrity relationship on steroids ever since.

One thing I will credit this rumor for is how it nicely explains Tom’s behavior this past few months-including the couch jumping episode on Oprah. Cruise simply didn’t have time for the Holmes rumors to circulate at its normal speed and he couldn’t allow it to be second page news while the tabloids focused on Brad, Jennifer and Angelina. No, this relationship had to immediately become the “it” topic.

Well, that’s how we hear it.

[A reminder to those of you reading this who have trouble differentiating truth from unsubstantiated rumor: at this point this is all conjecture.]

Oh, come now … everything on the Internet is unsubstantiated rumor! I hope Billy Corgan takes out a newspaper ad or something so we can get to the bottom of this.