Axl Rose

The Super Bowl is but a distant memory, yet the Chili Peppers’ Cordgate controversy continues to annihilate our nation’s collective sensibilities. Flea already gave us his side of the story — “[We] were playing along with the pre recorded track so there was no need to plug in our guitars, so we did not … We thought it better to not pretend” — but that hasn’t stopped armchair guitar techs everywhere from weighing in with alternate scenarios. Today, none other than Axl Rose has offered a theory.

In a guest post for Hollywood Reporter, Axl admitted that he had no insider knowledge, but maybe — just maybe — “[I]n the name of science and for all mankind Flea courageously had a newly invented breakthrough in microchip technology installed in his ass that picked up the frequencies of his bass and transmitted them to his amplifier … Maybe they all had microchips installed in their asses and not only pick up the frequencies of their instruments but get Direct TV and the internet too! Like Google Glass… Google Ass!”

Google Ass. Get on that one stat, porn entrepreneurs of the internet. Gotta love Axl: timely and sane as always. Read his full guest post here or below.

In The Name Of Science

In regard to the internet’s “no wireless” controversy regarding the Red Hot Chili Peppers Superbowl performance as reported on ESPN…

I enjoyed the show and I’ve no idea what the real story is nor would I want to suggest or imply anyone wasn’t actually performing or that what they were playing wasn’t what we actually heard. That said I feel it’s important to always look on the positive side of things and to give the benefit of doubt.

So consider that maybe sometime before their actual performance that rather than use a guitar cord or standard wireless, that in the name of science and for all mankind Flea courageously had a newly invented breakthrough in microchip technology installed in his ass that picked up the frequencies of his bass and transmitted them to his amplifier.

Maybe they all had microchips installed in their asses and not only pick up the frequencies of their instruments but get Direct TV and the internet too! Like Google Glass… Google Ass! They could be “Scientific Pioneers!” Like Buzz Aldrin and shit! True (pardon the pun) ASS-tro-nots! Or like Superbowl crash test dummies for bands kinda like those cars that drive themselves!

And besides… If the band wasn’t really playing or wireless or whatever and Anthony was really singing they may have set a new world record for the largest karaoke audience ever! Awesome!

So relax and show some pride! This is probably all just Google finding new ways to enrich our lives with the selfless volunteering of the Peppers and the ever ongoing creative process of true innovation or perhaps a new lounge bar record of super magnificent proportions and a new pinnacle of human achievement not seen since the sign language guy in South Africa!

God Bless America, the Peppers n’ technology… PN’T!

Ax

Comments (22)
  1. ferns  |   Posted on Feb 5th +1

    Hey – this was kind of funny! Did not expect that.

  2. Google Ass! Suck on that, Chris Thom.

  3. This is easily the best thing he’s done since Use Your Illusion I & II.

  4. Sounds like someone implanted a comedy chip in Axl’s uptight ass as well.

  5. aic  |   Posted on Feb 5th +1

    Google Ass is the new November Rain

  6. Metamucil Rose

  7. Metamucil Rose

  8. A technology that transmits vibrations from your ass to an amp would certainly explain Chinese Democracy

  9. There is an insane divide between the people who comment on Stereogum’s facebook’s links and the people who actually click through and comment on the articles. It seems merely clicking through makes you a nicer person. Of course the odd Chris Thom slips through, but other than that, the system works.

    The system works.

  10. if we put axl in charge of ‘google ass’ we can be sure it will come out in 20 years

  11. what does slash think?

  12. it’s a better theory than a guitar player who has a KFC bucket for a head.

  13. Man Axl, WTF happened?!

    “WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, WE GOT LOTS OF CAKE!!!”

    • this inspired me, let’s make this happen:

      welcome to the bakery, we got cakes and buns
      we got everything i want, i’ll gain 500 tons
      we are the people that you find, insulin we’ll need
      if you got the honey, money, we got your disease

      • This made me laugh!

        Despite his embarrassing appears, I still have Axl in my top 5 all-time frontmen (Rose in his prime that is)…. but he hasn’t aged too well in comparison to Slash, Izzy and Duff

  14. sd  |   Posted on Feb 5th +5

    When did Axl Rose turn into David Spade

  15. Axl Rose has a theory.
    I almost died.

    • I’ve been looking for a band name, that has a nice ring to it… “Axl Rose Has a Theory”, maybe “Theory of a Rose”?

  16. Reinventing Axl Rose…or wait

  17. Wait, that’s a photo of Kathy Bates, not Axl Rose.

  18. People! it’s just a “theory”. he even said he had no “insider” information. So why are you all getting all heath Ledger Joker about it?

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