Listen, crooks. We’ve put up with your nonsense for far too long — giving us rotten deals, stealing our packages, robbing banks, taking our Sunday New York Times, accepting our dinner delivery from the dinner delivery man as if you were the one who ordered it, pretending to work at a store and when someone pays pretending to put the money in the register but actually putting the money in your own personal money bag, trying to get us in on pyramid schemes, stealing our dogs, coming into our homes and looking around for loose cash, putting on our clothes and pretending to be us with a fake voice, pulling off heists — each heist larger and more elaborate than the last. For years you’ve done your crook business without hesitation, and maybe it’s our fault for not stopping you, but this is the final straw. Steal gold from a billionaire’s secret gold shelter, sure. Stuff money down your shirt and pretend to be a pregnant lady so the cops don’t catch on, of course. But you do not — YOU NEVER — steal a seven foot Gumby statue from the yard of a nice older couple. YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, CROOKS! AND DON’T YOU THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOU’LL GET AWAY WITH IT!
Aww. Come home, Gumby. So kids can come and look at you, hopefully with an adult. Just please come home. (Via Arbroath.)