[Cue Coffee, Clocks, and Paperwork] The end is upon us, and so many questions remain. Will Will McAvoy propose to Mackenzie despite the black hole that exists where their romantic chemistry should be? Will Allison Pill apologize for her haircut? Will Charlie Bowtie bemusedly grin? Will Sloan solve the mystery of the anonymous bidder who bought the book that she didn’t autograph in German or whatever? Will Obama defeat Mitt Romney? Who will Deus Ex Machina end up giving the final rose to? What will happen to Twitter after Coach Taylor moves to Philadelphia? Why can Locke walk now?!? WILL JIM SKYPE HIS GIRLFRIEND FROM THE STAIRCASE?!? All of these questions will be answered in The Newsroom’s thrilling season 2 finale.
And, yes, Jim Skype does Skype his girlfriend from the fucking staircase.
A bunch of characters (I can’t remember which and also who cares) are in Don’s office recounting (election pun) everything that happened last episode. “As you know,” says whoever, “we uncovered a statement from the early ’90s that implicates a potential California House Representative as a rape apologist, which lead to our uncovering of General Patreus’s extramarital affair by way of soft blackmail, as you know.” Oh, we know Newsroom. We know. So they babble at one another for five minutes and use their Columbia J School training to decide that rape apologists make for better TV than extramarital affairs.
Time Elapsed: ~5 minutes. Hate Index: 666 out of Hate.
Meanwhile, back in reality, Jim is Skype-ing with Not-Maggie from the staircase again. “The other bloggers don’t approve of me talking to old media,” says Not-Maggie, whose blog, everyone should note forever, is called “The Blog.” Welcome to Tomorrowland, this will be your guide, Aaron Sorkin. “But I love you, not Maggie, Not-Maggie,” says Jim. “Okay,” says Not-Maggie. Storyline over.
Will McAvoy learns via the gorgeous former Republican publicist that everyone on the senior staff is planning on quitting. He summons the whole senior staff to his news lair and is like, “Are you all planning on quitting.” And they are all like, “No. We love you. We would never quit on you in a million years, Will McAvoy, you perfect person you.” Storyline over.
Time Elapsed: ~15 minutes. Hate Index: 666 to the bazillionth power out of Hate.
Charlie Bowtie attends the ACN election night gala in an attempt to convince CEO Jane Fonda to let CEO Jr Chris Messina decide Bowtie’s and McAvoy’s fate. “Whatever,” says CEO Jane Fonda, “I’m high.” (CEO Jane Fonda has apparently been high this entire season. Pray that spinoff is in the works.) Satisfied with his tidy plot resolution, Charlie Bowtie makes for “the after,” but not before he walks right into a tray of appletinis carried by none other than Dwight’s fuck buddy/Allison Pill’s roommate/Jim’s ex-girlfriend! This is called plotting, and you can tell it’s called plotting because one of the characters tweets it.
Jim and Maggie trot out the blindfolded Asian numbers whiz for a hilarious victory lap. She eases all their Mississippi election concerns (real thing) with her superior Asian math and walks headfirst into an intern and hopefully out of our lives. Over in Makeup, Will McAvoy informs Mackenzie that he only bought her an engagement ring whenever ago as a prank. “What a hilarious prank,” says Mackenzie. “What’s next, sweeping girls off of their feet?” “Nailed it,” says McAvoy. “Proposal adequately foreshadowed,” says you.
Time Elapsed: ~25 minutes. Hate Index: Sweeping Girls Off Their Feet Prank out of Hate.
Dev Patel tells Olivia Munn that whomever won the bid on her fake-signed favorite economics book artificially inflated the price by bidding under multiple pseudonyms from literary history and old movies. As no one expected, this creepy subterfuge was perpetrated by none other than our very own grease-slicked Don who is in love with Olivia Munn, as we all are. Not creeped out at all, Olivia Munn marches to the control room, real-signs her favorite economics book, and smooches Don IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. “Hooray!” says my mouth. “Butterflies!” says my belly. “Pray that spinoff is in the works,” says my recap.
Then some dumb shit happens. Jim and Maggie’s roommate make up. Dev Patel updates Mackenzie’s Wikipedia page. Will McAvoy interrupts Olivia Munn ad nauseum and she makes Halpert face at the camera. So Newsroom goes. Storylines over.
Time Elapsed: ~35 minutes. Hate Index: Munn + Don Forever out of Hate.
More dumb shit happens. Maggie reveals to Jim that she cut her hair after that plot device got shot on her back in Africa. This reveal is followed up by the reveal that she fell in love with Jim after he clicked a yellow news alert on his computer, since that’s the second lowest priority news alert, and that demonstrates Jim’s character, I guess? This stupidity is followed by a flashback to a dramatic slide of a computer mouse. Just more dumb shit happening.
Then the dumbest shit happens. The dumbest shit being that The Genoa Incident forces Will McAvoy to realize that he loves Mackenzie and must propose to her posthaste so he runs through the studio with a Tiffany’s box like Adam from Girls runs through Brooklyn with an iPhone and just like when that happened when this happens you think, “STOP IT/WHY.” Will McAvoy stutters the flattest proposal ever, in turn causing every copy of Pablo Neruda’s Love Poems to burst into flames the world over. Of course, Mackenzie accepts. As they emerge into the newsroom with their perfect news, CEO Jr Chris Messina appears with his prostitute and his perfect news: that no one will lose their job over Genoa! Per existence, and I’m not kidding, not one bit, this really happens, everyone spends the rest of the episode SMOKING CIGARS AND POPPIN’ BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE LIKE THEY’RE IN MEATPACKING WITH DRAKE. Click the yellow news alert. Season over.
Time Elapsed: Eternity. Hate Index: Hate out of Hate.
We are all Will McAvoy. Until next season, good night.