It was a warm September afternoon and one young blogger and a few friends headed to the movie theater to see One Direction: This Is Us in 3D. “Hey, I’m going to get some popcorn, you guys go ahead and get seats” said the blogger, waving her friends away. Just an average trip to the movies. As she was paying for the popcorn and wondering why movie theaters don’t serve alcohol, she heard a beautiful voice behind her — “Ello, Kelly!” Whaaat? Who was it? “Ello mate, it’s me, Harry Styles from One Direction.” OMG. It was Harry Styles. Kelly– I mean, the blogger knew it was Harry Styles because he was wearing his signature “suit jacket with a t-shirt underneath” and his hair was perfect. Harry Styles knew it was Kelly, ugh, the blogger, because he was a secret big fan of hers. “I knew you were perfect at blogging,” Harry said, “but I didn’t know you were the most beautiful woman I would ever see in my life.” What?! OMG. “You can blog from anywhere, right?” he asked. “Pretty much yes, as long as there is a steady Internet connection — which rules out my apartment! Hahah. Just kidding, but I have a lot of problems with my Internet at home. Time Warner is the worst, you have no idea I bet” said the blogger. Harry liked how weird and not fun she was to talk to. “Would you like to come on tour with me and the lads?” Uh, YES SHE WOULD! “Yes!! — Wait” The blogger quickly googled “Harry Styles age.” Ugh. 19. “You’re 19,” she said. “So? Aren’t you 19?” he asked. “No, I’m 26.” “Oh…” Dang. Maybe he didn’t think she was so perfect at blogging after all– Wait, what? Ahh-hah! Whooooops! Wrong window! Eeeeek. This is embarrassing. That one should have gone here. This one’s for the review! LOL. Whoops. Anyway, let’s talk about the movie!
For those of you who opted out of our family trip to see a movie about children for children, This Is Us is a half concert/half behind-the-scenes documentary, directed by Morgan Spurlock, about One Direction’s rise from losers on The X Factor to the most beautiful and popular group of boys on Earth. Kind of. It’s less about the rise and more about the part where they are risen. I mean, nothing happens in it. Hahah. I don’t know why Morgan Spurlock directed it? It is exactly like any of the boy band documentaries I loved and thought were so funny, oh my god, they are so funny and cute, when I was young: Scenes of the boys palling around, doing things like riding on grocery carts while they’re handlers are like “don’t ride on the grocery cart, Niall, come on!”, never drinking or smoking or cursing, talking about how great their fans are, and being almost exclusively happy and adorable.
There are a few moments where the boy’s humanity creeps in — at one point Harry says that he doesn’t like his life 100% of the time, and at another point Liam wonders if anyone will love Liam for Liam. (Just give it a few years, Liam!) Oh, and there is also another moment when the group is gathered around a fire and one of the other not-Harry ones mentions that in a few years they’ll probably just have a normal life, and that they’re lives are kind of backwards given the fact that they’re enjoying professional success as children but it will be over by the time they are adults. That was interesting! Can you imagine?! I can’t imagine, I would like them to tell us more about it! But they don’t! Which would make sense, as it is a documentary about the boy band One Direction, if it were not directed by Morgan Spurlock. Didn’t you have something you wanted to tell us, Morgan? You almost never don’t!
So, what you end up with is a movie for fans to coo over and excitedly recount with their friends, which is not a bad thing. It was very fun! The concert footage? Give me a break. The accents? Could listen to them all day. Zayn talking about how he bought his own graffiti room or whatever because his mum wouldn’t let him spray paint on the walls in her house, obviously? Love it. The lads talking about how they would probably be working in factories if they weren’t insanely famous pop stars, because almost all of their dads work in factories? Yes. Good. Harry? COME ON! It was a fun movie made up of fun parts that I would’ve gone nuts over if I were a young One Direction fan. #factsonly
There is also fun wink to the adults in the crowd, when we get to see some short interviews some of the boys’ parents. Some speak about how it’s like their sons left for an audition when they were 16 and never came back. Some speak about how sad it is to know that, as a working-class parent, there’s nothing left for them to teach their child — they are already living beyond what their parents can even comprehend. Some speak about the lost moments that come with achieving incredible success that takes you away from your family at age 16. It’s like, yeah, all of this seems fun and great, but life is STILL incredibly sad! We get it. #WINK (This made up a combined, probably, two minutes of the documentary, but was 100% the most interesting part.) (There is probably a lot of sadness Morgan could’ve focused on, in all parts of One Direction’s life!) (WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE THE MOVIE SADDER, MORGAN?)
But whatever, it was fun and boring and then fun again, and ALWAYS handsome. On a scale of 1 to The Katy Perry Documentary, I give it an “almost as good, but definitely not as good.” Did you love it? Is this you?:
Hahaha. Jesus. Are you sure you don’t like your life 100% of the time, Harry?