The 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

Kelly Conaboy | August 26, 2013 - 10:40 am

We did it — another MTV Video Music Awards watched and regretted. Did you play along with our drinking game? Rest in peace, if you did! At the very least, you died doing what you loved: hate-watching an awards show for teens that hasn’t been relevant for over a decade. #windowsphone #tacobell What was your favorite part? My favorite part was when it became clear that Daft Punk canceled their performance on Colbert for the sole purpose of standing silently on stage while Pharrell presented an award to Taylor Swift. Hahahahahah. Very exciting! A VMA moment to remember, for sure. For my money, as far as VMA moments go, first it’s Krist Novoselic hitting himself in the head with his bass, then it’s Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” performance, and then it’s Daft Punk standing silently on stage while Pharrell presented an award to Taylor Swift. (After that it is when Fiona Apple said “the world is bullshit.”) (FIONA!)

Or, wait, was your favorite moment of the night when Taylor Swift said “shut the fuck up” while One Direction was on stage? Was it when you realized that she could have just as easily said “SORRY FOR MY ARM”?!?! AHHHHHHH! It’s like that old lady/young woman optical illusion. (If you were mean, you could also say that Taylor Swift’s look for the night was also an old lady/young woman optical illusion.) (BUT WE AREN’T MEAN.) Was your favorite moment when ‘NSYNC showed up for two seconds, and how it made you feel more sad than anything else? And then when you realized that Justin Timberlake was still not finished with his hours-long Justin Timberlake retrospective, which, more than anything else, highlighted how he only has two albums and half of them stink, and also he is 32 years old? Hmm?!

One thing that was strange about the night was how, aside from Kevin Hart mentioning over and over again that he was not the host in a way that made me feel just about as second-hand awkward as Miley Cyrus’s too-consistent tongue use (you can almost hear her handlers — “more tongue! that’s your thing!”), was how there weren’t any jokes! Sure, Joseph Gordon-Levitt spoke in a weird voice at the end, but that doesn’t count. There not being any jokes wasn’t a bad thing — there are few things worse in the realm of award shows than bad award show jokes — but it was a thing. Just like Macklemore’s performance was a thing. Was it a good thing? It wasn’t a bad thing! (Was the fact that Macklemore won best hip hop video a bad thing? Hahahaha. YES.) Was Kanye’s performance a good thing? I don’t know. It’s a good song! Not one of my favorites on the album, but a good one! Was his performance on Saturday Night Live better and more memorable? Yes! Did anything memorable happen at this VMAs? No! Lady Gaga? NO! Should we have just watched Breaking Bad, which we will talk about later, DO NOT talk about it now? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, whatever. Never again? I can’t make any promises, but let’s try to know in our hearts that we will never watch the VMAs again. Here are your winners, most of which make no sense:

Video of the Year
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”

Best Male Video
Bruno Mars, “Locked out of Heaven”

Best Female Video
Taylor Swift, “I Knew You Were Trouble”

Best Pop Video
Selena Gomez, “Come and Get It”

Artist to Watch, Presented by Taco Bell
Austin Mahone, “What About Love”

Best Collaboration
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, “Just Give Me a Reason”

Best Video With a Social Message
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, “Same Love”

Best Rock Video
30 Seconds to Mars, “Up in the Air”

Best Hip-Hop Video
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us”

Best Art Direction
Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu, “Q.U.E.E.N”

Best Choreography
Bruno Mars, “Treasure”

Best Cinematography
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us”

Best Direction
Justin Timberlake feat. Jay-Z, “Suit & Tie”

Best Editing
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”

Best Visual Effects
Capital Cities, “Safe and Sound”

Best Song of the Summer 
One Direction, “Best Song Ever”

Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award 
Justin Timberlake