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Paula Deen Refuses To Rest Her Case

By Gabe Delahaye / June 26, 2013 - 2:00 pm

On the one hand, my human empathy forces me to recognize that I am sure this past week has been genuinely painful and difficult for Paula Deen, but on the other hand the human hunger for invasive and judgmental voyeurism forces me to gobble up every new development. NOM NOM NOM, right, Paula Deen? Get it, Paula Deen? NOM NOM NOM! This Today show interview with Matt Lauer is DELICIOUS!

Here’s the thing that I don’t get about the whole Paula Deen thing: why do her people let her keep talking? I know someone has to do some talking in all of this, but clearly it shouldn’t be her. Every time she opens her mouth it just gets worse! Like, this interview, holy moly. First of all: enough with the waterworks, Paula Deen. Your window for genuine remorse closed last week when you thought it was fine to just post a 45 second non-apology, heavily edited as if you could not get a single sentence out without using a racial epithet. Now it is time, and it has always been time, but now it is time for you to just be actually honest, but because you cannot do that, then maybe it is time for you to put a stick of butter in your mouth and hush it. (OK, that butter joke was lazy, but you know what it wasn’t? SUPER RACIST!) I seriously think that all Paula Deen had to do from the very beginning was say, “Hey guys, I said and did some fucked up stuff. There is no real apology for it, other than to say I acknowledge that I have a lot of work to do and while I don’t expect you to forgive me, I simply ask for you to be patient as I learn from my mistakes.” Something like that. It didn’t have to be that EXACT phrasing, but just own the whole thing. You’re bold enough to try and throw your brother a “slave themed” wedding in 2000-whatever, you might as well screw up that same courage to BE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING ABOUT IT. Instead, as you will see in this interview, she claims that she only used the n-word because someone LITERALLY held a gun to her head, and that the only people she is racist against are “thieves and liars.” Haaaaaaaaaa. Oh brother.

Perhaps the boldest move, and don’t get me wrong, the alligator tears, the gun to her head defense, and the claim that she is only racist towards thieves were all very bold moves, but easily the boldest move is saying that she doesn’t know whether or not black people find the “n-word” offensive because of the things she hears young men calling each other, and then goes into a condescending, patrician lecture about how these young men should live their lives. AHHHHHHHH PAULA! MAYBE DON’T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE JUST IN THIS ONE MOMENT. YOU ARE KIND OF ON THIN ICE AS IT IS, IT SEEMS LIKE, AND PERHAPS YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE ISSUE IS NOT THE MOST MORALLY CONCISE! EVEN MORE TO THE POINT, WHEN YOUR LIFE IS CRUMBLING AROUND YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR PROBLEMATIC VIEWS ON RACE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RECONSIDER BLAMING BLACK PEOPLE FOR RACISM. ALSO: YIKES!

The second boldest move is when she says that she, as a business woman who understands the power of branding, would not have fired herself. Very brave. So strong. What a rock in the face of adversity that all of the Paula Deens can look to for inspiration when times get tough for Paula Deens. WILL THIS WOMAN NEVER REST HER CASE? At the very least, let the court break for lunch. Right, Paula? Lunch? NOM NOM NOM RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!