A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: The TMZ Tour Comes To New York
Kelly: Hey gabe what’s up
Gabe: oh, hi, kelly
Gabe: it sounds weird when you do it
Kelly: What? It sounds just like the commercial.
Gabe: you should tape yourself doing it and listen to the tape
Gabe: maybe it sounds right in your head
Gabe: but it sounds weird to everyone else
Kelly: hmm maybe
Gabe: hear the difference?
Kelly: ahh see no that sounds wrong to me
Kelly: I’ll tape mine later though and check it out
Kelly: Though I’ve never gotten a complaint about it
Gabe: do that for sure
Kelly: Well that’s settled. Now what do we talk about?
Gabe: i don’t know, did any celebs have diarrhea today?
Kelly: I haven’t come across any unfortunately
Kelly: I read that Rihanna likes getting brazilian waxes
Kelly: Because she likes the pain
Gabe: what book did you read that in? or was it the congressional record?
Kelly: It was in the New York Times this morning, but then I think I heard it again on NPR’s morning edition
Kelly: Oh speaking of did you read the NYTimes piece about the TMZ tour coming to New York?!
Gabe: my apologies to new york
Gabe: a city beset
Gabe: cannot catch a break
Kelly: I’m mostly just upset that it began two weeks ago rather than two months ago
Kelly: So I could’ve gone on it rather than spend a full day at the Steve Wilkos show
Kelly: Now I have NO idea how I’m going to justify going on it.
Gabe: just live your life, kelly
Gabe: if you want to go on that tour, do it
Gabe: you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone
Gabe: except me
Gabe: and i am saying it’s fine
Gabe: but you will have to use a personal day
Kelly: That’s fine, yay!
Gabe: why would anyone go on a TMZ tour of New York?
Gabe: like, as horrible as the TMZ tour of LA is, I get it
Gabe: if the tour fits
Gabe: it seems anathema to what New York is all about
Gabe: which is pizza and urine smells
Gabe: i also feel like celebrities are the least interesting characters in that city
Gabe: justin timberlake has a loft in Tribeca? who gives a fuuuuuuuuuuu
Gabe: SHOW ME WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED, LITERALLY
Kelly: Right and also, though this may go for the LA one as well
Kelly: If you were eager to see, like, the nightclub where Drake and Chris Brown got into a fight
Kelly: Or the area where Lindsay Lohan lived when she lived in New York or whatever
Kelly: You could just go to it
Gabe: well that is true of everything, i think
Gabe: like, you can take a tour of stone henge or you can just go to stone henge
Kelly: I guess so. But I was thinking more like you’d take the TMZ tour
Kelly: if you didn’t know
Kelly: what tacos brad pitt liked or whatever
Kelly: And wanted the tour guide to explain it to you.
Kelly: Like you’d expect a tour guide to give you more insight about Stone Henge than you’d have yourself
Gabe: sure, but again, by your own example
Gabe: i am not as convinced as you
Gabe: that everyone is so intimately familiar
Gabe: with the nightclub where drake and chris brown got in a fight
Gabe: or the area where lindsay lohan lived when she lived in new york or whatever
Gabe: they might need help finding those places
Kelly: Sure I guess so
Kelly: In that case I have no problems with it, it sounds good
Gabe: hahaaha man
Gabe: you sure take a LOT of convincing
Gabe: you, like, barely acknowledge that not everyone knows where lindsay lohan lived in New York
Kelly: Hahaha well if you’re taking a TMZ tour
Gabe: although the idea that you are suggesting
Gabe: is very funny
Gabe: just someone driving around
Gabe: in a zip car or a cab
Gabe: and pointing out the window
Gabe: and telling themselves
Gabe: “that’s the club!”
Kelly: Well in my scenario they would walk there
Gabe: what’s that?
Kelly: It’s like roller blading but slower?
Kelly: But what I was going to say
Kelly: Is that if you’re taking the TMZ tour you probably are interested in these celebrity things enough to know what happened and where it happened
Kelly: I think it’s just because LA seems harder to navigate to me, that it makes more sense to go on a TMZ tour
Gabe: well, you are also supposing that everyone on the tour
Gabe: lives in new york
Kelly: Nah uh
Kelly: Anyway this is so boring to talk about
Gabe: listen, Kevin McCallister
Gabe: as someone who has actually taken a TMZ bus tour
Gabe: i take issue with this part of the article:
Gabe: “For that reason, and because the story was splashed all over TMZ, I sat slack-jawed in disbelief when the bus rolled down Broadway through Times Square, and no mention was made of Amanda Bynes. This is my main complaint.”
Kelly: Hahah, why do you take issue with that part?
Kelly: Because you know how long it takes to put together a good TMZ tour and that you can’t just toss in recent headlines?
Gabe: THAT is the complaint?
Gabe: that there was a deeply troubled celebrity they failed to mention?
Gabe: you are the NEW YORK TIMES
Gabe: your complaint isn’t with the shrill narrator and the entire concept of the enterprise?
Gabe: it’s that they didn’t mention Amanda Bynes?
Gabe: I CANNOT WAIT FOR TWITTER TO DESTROY YOU THEN, NYT
Kelly: Well it’d have to be a much longer article then
Kelly: Hahah it’s easier
Kelly: To just say “My one complaint,” and then get out of there
Kelly: Though this writer went on TWO DIFFERENT TABLOID TOURS!
Kelly: You’d think they’d be out of their mind wanting to complain about it
Gabe: oh, i see
Gabe: so all that matters is doing what is easiest?
Gabe: apparently you and the new york times and the TMZ bus tour should get triple married
Kelly: oh my goodness I was kidding
Gabe: i bet the nyt writer thought he was kidding too
Gabe: BUT YOU DON’T JOKE AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO THE TMZ TOUR
Gabe: and you will have the rest of your life living with them to learn that lesson
Gabe: because you are MARRIED
Kelly: You do realize
Kelly: That earlier you were defending the idea of the TMZ bus tour TO ME
Kelly: So at the most I am married to the NYTimes
Kelly: and you are married to the tour
Gabe: well, i will always stand in defense
Gabe: of an American’s right
Gabe: to be chauffered around
Gabe: that is what this country was built on, it is in the constitution
Gabe: you’re like “just walk there!” Gabe: it’s disgusting
Gabe: GO BACK TO RUSSIA
Kelly: Hahah I will admit that I was possibly misguided
Kelly: With my kneejerk reaction
Kelly: That people should just go to the sites if they want to, rather than take the tour
Gabe: i mean you do realize
Gabe: that what you were proposing
Gabe: was a TMZ WALKING TOUR
Gabe: which is literally insane
Gabe: if you’re going to be garbage, be garbage and ride around in your garbage truck
Gabe: dont’ HOOF IT
Kelly: Can you imagine being in a TMZ walking tour
Kelly: Standing in a big group in front of somewhere
Kelly: Being told the most embarrassing things while people try to get around you
Kelly: If you personally harass a celebrity you get a t-shirt
Kelly: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Kelly: But, you know, I did already admit I was wrong
Kelly: As a truce do you want to come to NY and take the tour with me?
Gabe: NO PEACE NO SURRENDER