What Is Patrick Stewart Even Talking About?

By Gabe Delahaye / May 30, 2013

Yesterday, Patrick Stewart tweeted a photo of himself eating “his first slice” of pizza. The world, naturally, lost its mind. Dude is 72 years old. Even a broken clock is pizza twice a day. No one could believe it, and one of the reasons is because it’s not even true. Vulture caught up with him and it turns out he has had a bunch of pizza because he is a human being after all. So what is he even talking about?

So, I get that you’ve had pizza before, just not a slice of pizza …
That’s correct. People misunderstood. There was a school of thought that I had eaten my first pizza, but of course how could that possibly be true? I would have had to have stayed locked up in a cellar. But nevertheless, this was my first slice of pizza, which I was only eating because my fiancée and I were a little hung-over yesterday morning and she said what we need is pizza and a soothing drink — and she was right. It solved the problem. But, in fact, it was my first slice, and when it was brought over to me, my first comment was “There’s no knife and fork.” Of course, I was mocked for thinking that I could eat a pizza slice with a knife and fork.

Wait. It was his first slice, but he’s eaten lots of pizza before? I think he’s just stuck on the idea of only paying for a single slice as opposed to, what, 100 pizzas? I guess when you’re as famous as Patrick Stewart, you just order 100 pizzas just in case, you never know who is going to show up. But, those pizzas were still cut into slices, right? He didn’t just crumple an entire pizza into a ball and shove it into his mouth? No way. He’s a serious person. Serious people don’t do that. He has still eaten “a slice” of pizza. So, like, what is he talking about? Listen to him go on and on, it makes no sense:

So, in all those years, you never, you know, walked by a pizza place, you’re hungry, you decide to go in and try a slice? How come that never happened?
I know, it’s hard to understand, isn’t it? But, you know, I would go in there and order a pizza and eat a whole pizza. It was the concept of the slice that I had never encountered before. And by the way, the pizza establishment that I went into was a well-known, well-established Brooklyn pizza place called Smiling Pizza, and I’m told that Fox News interviewed the owner, and he said, “Oh my God, if I had known it was his first slice I would have given him a second slice.”

WAIT! So he’s even been inside of a pizza parlor that sells pizza by the slice, he just never ordered a single slice? OK but so what?! If the owner had known that Patrick Stewart was a LIAR he probably would have slapped his first slice onto the floor. This is ridiculous. If you buy a six pack of yogurt where all the yogurts are still kind of attached to each other at the rim and you break one of the yogurts off and eat it then you’ve still eaten “a yogurt” even though you paid for “six yogurts.” If you buy a pack of Skittles and eat all the Skittles, you can still say that you’ve eaten “a Skittle,” you don’t explain that you’ve only ever eaten “an entire pack of Skittles.” Like, am I the crazy one here? Is there something wrong with ME?! Please leave your thoughts on whether I am the crazy one here in the comments! #Skittles