Sounds Like Joe Francis Is Doing Great

By Gabe Delahaye / May 22, 2013

The Hollywood Reporter did a new profile of Joe Francis after he was recently found guilty on three counts of false imprisonment and one count of assault (!!!) and it seems like our old friend is doin’ just fine! This is literally the opening paragraph of the article:

Joe Francis digs his fingers into my knee. “I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally f–ing retarded and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself,” he shouts. “You are the weakest members of the herd. Goodbye! And if that jury wants to convict me because I didn’t show up, which is the only reason why they did, then, you know, they should all be lined up and shot!”

Phew! A lot of men might buckle under the pressure of such intense legal difficulties, but not good old Joe Francis. He’s got his head on straight and is remaining cool, no COOLER than a cucumber. People are like, Joe, how do you stay so grounded? And he is just like, guys, I don’t know what to tell you, everyone has to find their own path, but know that we are all part of something larger than ourselves, and that you can’t find peace in the world until you find peace within, and that all juries are fucking retards who deserve to die. Anyway, the article about how even-keeled and put together Joe Francis is continues with more examples of his supreme normalcy:

“You know why I’ve been criticized, why I’ve been brutalized?” he says. “Anybody who criticizes me, anybody who — it’s just a jealous guy. Everybody who says, ‘Oh, Joe Francis is this’ — look at their penis and tell me if it’s small. Tell me!”

And how about the size of his own, um, manhood? He laughs gleefully. “It’s been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove” — upon which he tries to do just that, tussling with his rather sweet girlfriend and urging her to tell me about his assets. She wriggles away, mortified.

“Tell him!” he laughs.

“No way!” she yells, vanishing into the kitchen.

Fun! Fun exchange! I love to see young people in love. You know what else I love? When fucking lunatics consider any and all criticism to be a manifestation of simple jealousy, as if jealousy alone accounts for multiple accusations of sexual assault from various women spanning years and years. JEALOUS! (I’m also not entirely sure how we are supposed to look at everyone’s penis and then tell Joe if the penis is small or not, but I bet if you can’t figure out how to do this it’s just because you are JEALOUS.)

Incidentally, Joe Francis talks about spending six months on “death row” in Panama for another crime he claims that he didn’t commit, to which he only plead guilty to get out of jail after the inmate next to him committed suicide because the surroundings were so dire. And later he gets emotional describing the time he was robbed at gunpoint in his own home and left for dead in the trunk of his own Bentley, which sounds genuinely horrific in deeply lasting and effecting ways that I cannot even fathom. So, uh, WHAT ARE WE JEALOUS OF EXACTLY?

Finally, after many glasses of sweetberry wine, Joe opens up about the current allegations against him:

“All I did was do a nice thing,” he says, recounting how he invited the women home after meeting them at the Supper Club in Hollywood. “It just proves that any celebrity in Hollywood should never give a ride home to any girls. I mean, there were 20 people in the afterparty. They [say they] got their head slammed on a tile floor and they were imprisoned here for hours. They said it was here on the tile floor. I don’t see any tile right here. Now you’ve been here for hours. Have you been imprisoned?”

Look, no one knows for sure what happened that night, and I do believe that celebrities can be falsely accused of certain things by equally horrible people looking for a quick (not that quick, though, when you think about it) payout or whatever, so who knows. But “you’ve been here for hours, have you been imprisoned” is a very strong argument and I hope that Joe Francis had the foresight to represent himself in court. And to REST HIS CASE.

OK, this part is sad:

As I leave him to ready for the trip, he gives me a great bear hug and a kiss. “Just don’t do what everyone else does,” he says. “Don’t make me look crazy.”

But otherwise he’s obviously doing great. Whoever invented the expression “All good!” was talking about our pal, Joe Francis. See also the expression “So good.” He is an inspiration to us all, I’m sure.