Poor Gwyneth Paltrow, Though

By Gabe Delahaye / May 9, 2013

THE WORLD IS CHANGED, I CAN FEEL IT IN THE WATER. This is the second post in less than a month defending Gwyneth Paltrow against her detractors, despite the fact that I myself, and Videogum in general, has done as much if not more detraction as anyone. And look, she is still a terribly disillusioned fame monster whose pretty, pampered eyes are so fogged up from the myopic luxury of the bubble in which she lives that she has no idea what happens outside of that bubble nor what the bubble looks like to people who aren’t in it, and so she spends half of her life when she is not raking in cash from a movie set or writing cookbooks about macrobiotic lasagna simply describing the inside of the bubble to other people as if that is fun and useful for everyone rather than a painfully tone-deaf reminder of just how absurd the universe is and how deeply unjust the distribution of wealth has become that someone can profit from a website whose sole purpose is to make people feel poor. She is and will always be THE WORST. But even someone who is the worst, which Gwyneth Paltrow is, deserves some modicum of happiness in this life, and I am beginning to suspect that she doesn’t, and that’s too bad. Like, what does Gwyneth Paltrow actually LIKE? What does she ENJOY? Besides name-dropping “Jay-Z,” which, incidentally, if they were really as good friends as she was constantly saying they were, would she really call him “Jay-Z”? What about “Sean” or even just “Jay”? SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN LIARMARK! Anyway, the two Gwyneth Paltrow stories that have emerged this week from the Met Costume Institute Gala are really making me (not really, I have other things to do) worry about her!

First it was reported that Chris Martin, her husband, continued to refuse to walk the red carpet with her, despite the fact that they were at an event whose sole purpose is to be seen walking a red carpet. From US Weekly:

After 10 years of marriage, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin kept up their tradition of avoiding being photographed together at the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City on Monday, May 6. Proof that Paltrow, 40, and Martin, 36, were both in attendance, however, was captured by South Korean pop star Psy. “Making new friends at Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow,” the “Gangnam Style” singer tweeted with a picture of himself and the Iron Man 3 actress. ” . . . And her husband Chris Martin,” he added with a photo of himself and the Coldplay singer.

Haha. You won’t take a picture with YOUR WIFE, but you will take a picture with PSY?! What’s up though with that for real though my dude? That is kind of WEIRD. I’m not saying that being a celebrity instantly forces you into accepting much less enjoying all of the public facing posturing that the role entails, but if it is really so hard for you JUST STAY IN YOUR CASTLE. I am not sure I understand the idea behind going to a party with your wife and then treating her like a piece of shit. (Because here’s the other thing: if your wife DOESN’T mind posing for pictures on the red carpet, then your refusal to do so with her is absolutely a judgmental position to take and you are being a bad husband out of some petulant, childish desire to have everything your way at all times, even when it is humiliating for everyone involved, including people who have to read about it and don’t even want to know what you are up to in the first place.)

And now Gwyneth is saying that she will never attend the Met Gala ever again. From Dlisted:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

Ugh. You didn’t enjoy it AT ALL?! It’s literally just a glamorous fucking party where you got dressed up in a beautiful dress and spent the evening drinking free champagne, YOU POOR THING. But, so, this is kind of my point: if she cannot even enjoy this anymore, WHAT CAN SHE ENJOY? (Besides NEVER KEEPING HER MOUTH SHUT. Good God. People obsess over photos from the Met Gala, just PRETEND like at the very least it was FINE and not “A NIGHTMARE.”) She’s so open about her marriage that we know she isn’t exactly enjoying it. Now even parties are a disaster. I know she likes Spain and I know she likes “being in spaces that are clean and feel nice” but otherwise I am starting to worry about her jk she’s fine but still. HANG IN THERE, GWYNETH PALTROW! I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU WENT TO A FUN ENOUGH SEEMING PARTY AND COULD NOT EVEN ENJOY IT AND I AM SORRY YOU MARRIED THAT MAN WHO DOESN’T SEEM TO WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR $3500 COFFEE MAKER DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME.