It Is Time For Chris Hansen To Arrest The Whole Internet

Gabe Delahaye | May 1, 2013 - 3:30 pm

Matty B is a straight up child, so I am not even going to get into how I feel about his “work” because that is between me and my God, and everyone is allowed to do whatever it takes to find happiness and fulfillment in this world even if they have a completely unsophisticated concept of what those two words mean built entirely out of parental over-indulgence and Saturday morning cartoons. (Needless to say, I am not a huge fan, but I’m also not his target demographic of 9-10 year-old children with no taste and/or 40-45 year-old women with no boundaries.) But, like, HIS PARENTS KNOW THIS IS A SONG ABOUT FUCKING, RIGHT?* If they didn’t before they do now because HE SURE IS LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT IT IS ABOUT. (Although it’s not even as much about fucking as Flo-Rida’s “Whistle” is about fucking, which Matty B also covers, obviously.) So gross. Very upsetting. Where are the handcuffs? I’m holding my hands out for the handcuffs. NO, MATTY B, NOT THOSE KINDS OF HANDCUFFS, REAL HANDCUFFS LIKE FOR TRANSPORTATION OF CRIMINALS INTO THE PENAL JUSTICE SYSTEM. Oh great, now Matty B can’t stop laughing about the word “penal.” I don’t mind going to jail if I get to bring everyone with me, starting with Matty B’s parents. How complicated is THAT relationship?

Matty B’s Dad: We spend anywhere between 30 and 70 thousand dollars a year on Matty’s videos, but we make most of that back in the ad-sharing deal we have set up with YouTube and the occasional appearance on Ellen. But more importantly it just makes him and my wife so happy.
Matty B’s Mom: He’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen when he dances.

THESE GUYS KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. Let’s go, hands out for the handcuffs. No whining, we all know what we all did.

*In Matty B’s cover of Justin Bieber’s song “Boyfriend” they made him change the lyrics to “if I was old enough to be your boyfriend,” which suggests a certain level of awareness of how intense and inappropriate this whole thing is getting, and yet they still don’t care enough about their child’s well-being NOT to hire a film crew and post the video on the Internet as if they had no choice so it is hard to even say what is going on over there. The one thing we know is that it is GAH-ROSSSSSSSS.