Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Top Comments

By Gabe Delahaye / April 19, 2013

Let’s not get too maudlin, but this week has been, you know, something. And while there are very few if any things that genuinely lift or ease the weird and dark existential panic that these moments breed, where your sense of security and the idea of living in a world that makes any sense whatsoever evaporates and all that is left behind is this thin gray film of anxiety and this troubling and painful reminder of what human beings are willing to/capable of doing to each other (although the converse is that it is also a hopeful reminder of what human beings are willing to/capable of doing FOR each other as well) I do have to say that for as useless and powerless and hopeless as things can feel especially when it comes to BLOGS and JADEN SMITH NEWS, the comment threads WILL NOT QUIT. That’s cold comfort, but WE WILL TAKE WHATEVER COMFORT WE CAN GET THESE DAYS. Hugs all around. If you are in Boston, but also if you are anywhere, please stay safe, and here is to next week being a bit nicer overall. But also as you will see our comment ranking software is all systems go so actually things aren’t even that bad, and America can finally get down to the real business of RATING COMMENTS.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Robert Downey Jr. Uh What? Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#4  Patrick M | Apr 12th Score:47

Thanks for all the Editor’s Choice awards! I like the new system where only people who got them can see them

Posted in: Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments
#3  neverabadidea | Apr 15th Score:47

Honestly, I don’t give a shit what people say on Twitter, if they want to tweet about Boston then let them. My home town got bombed today and I am freaking the fuck out. I am trying to make sure everyone I love is safe. All those tweets/fb posts/everything are just showing support. And good lord, it’s nice to know that not everyone in the world is terrible.

Posted in: Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy
#2  flanny | Apr 18th Score:47

He’s not THE most famous woodworker.

Posted in: Let’s Run A Quick Internet Status Report
#1  KajusX & Chainsaws | Apr 15th Score:59

Hopefully if Anne Frank were alive today she would tweet out well wishes to the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing.

Posted in: Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy

[Assoc. Ed. Note: You all never cease to be funny and smart and wonderful, even when the rest of the outside world is threatening and unstable. You're the best. Great job.]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

Stephen Meowlkmus | Apr 12th Score:-17

Catweazle, trust me that I have zero interest in engaging you, were you so inclined. I’m not looking for an argument. I just wanted to express my opinion on this matter. That you, willfully or not, misrepresented my point of view in order to make a straw man argument about something else entirely is disheartening. Consider this my “you can’t fire me, I quit” comment.

Posted in: Terry Richardson Is Just America’s Photographer Now, Ladies

[Ed. Note: As often happens, I'm not sure why this is the lowest rated comment. I looked around and I think this guy was defending Terry Richardson, which is a tough defense to make in my opinion, but certainly this particular comment isn't so bad? He just seems to be saying that he wanted to say something, and he said it, and now he doesn't want to fight about what he said, which is OK, y/n? But maybe people were just already so mad about the other thing he said that they confused this thing as the bad one or something? "It's Complicated" - Facebook. Hang in there, everybody.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

  wi_ngo | Apr 16th Score:42

True story. Many moons ago when I was a young, idealistic barista, RDJ came in and ordered something not on the menu. This was when he was deep into his pre-rehab shenanigans. When I told him I was unable to make the specific ‘non-fat ice-blended’ that he wanted, he basically did the ‘deal with it’ glasses thing for real and said very seriously, “I’m OUTTA here.”, stormed out and dramatically lit a cigarette before stomping off down the street. It was perfect.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Robert Downey Jr. Uh What?

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, wi_ngo! You earned it. ]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

  lawblog | Apr 18th Score:44

Ok. Listen the fuck up everyone because I’m only going to say this shit FUCKING ONCE.

87 years ago, our fucking fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the fucking proposition that ALL FUCKING MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Do you need me to repeat myself? Or are you guys just retarded, and not deaf, too? No? Good.

Well guess what? Now we are engaged in a great civil war. A CIVIL FUCKING WAR. Now how the fuck are we supposed to endure that shit? Hmm? Did you not just listen to me? That part where we’re all fucking equal? Yeah. Well now we are met on a great battle field of that war. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live because that’s what good Goddamn Americans do. And what are we? That’s right. Not boring ass French. Or weird ass Chinese. Fucking Americans.

Hold the fuck on, though, because big fucking picture? We can’t consecrate or dedicate or any fucking hallowate this ground. Those brave bitches who fought here? Who put their fucking LIVES ON THE LINE? Yeah. They’re the motherfuckers who consecrated this shit. News flash time: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. Ok, faggots? It is for us the living, rather, the living who aren’t too retarded to know what day it is, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. “But, Lincoln” You’re probably saying, “What are we supposed to do?” And to that I say, “Stop fucking whining before I cunt punt you. Now listen.” We gotta remember that these bitches died, ok? FUCKING DIED for this country. So every time you’re like “but I don’t want to” or “What’s a sport?” or “I’m pretty sure the 2nd amendment applies to assault rifles” remember what happened here, and fucking resolve that they have not died in vain. Resolve that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Got it, fagtards?

Posted in: A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Planning The Sorority Girl E-Mail Movie

[Assoc. Ed. Note: A lot of good work here.]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

 

Eric Shorey | 4:07pm Score:8

I feel like, despite how difficult this week has been, we’ve been gifted with really sagely advice.

“Worry about yourself.”
“You’re beautiful; anybody telling you anything different right now is full of fucking shit.”

Posted in: Schwarz “U R Beautiful” (Official Video)

[Ed. Note: This is a really good point. I almost forgot about worry about yourself if you can even believe it. And at a time like this, nothing is more important than NEVER FORGETTING.]