Courtney Stodden’s Music Video Is Here! Courtney Stodden’s Music Video Is Here!

Gabe Delahaye | February 13, 2013 - 11:45 am

I’m not sure why untalented people whose only ambition in life is to be famous and who are willing to do anything and everything to achieve this goal because they don’t differentiate between forms or degrees of attention all want to have a music video, too. You never hear about the Heidi Montags, Paris Hiltons, or Courtney Stoddens of the world having a one woman show at some photo gallery, or trying their hand at stand up comedy. The obvious answer of course is that these creative forms take a minimum of effort, and do not feature the world’s most important resource: TELEVISION CAMERAS. So I get it. I’m not an idiot. But still, it seems like there has to be more than one way to skin this dead cat. No? Just horrifyingly terrible auto-tuned dance music that even the most molly-ed out club kid who ran away from home because his parents didn’t understand his need for dance would take a bathroom break if it came on, accompanied by an embarrassingly low rent music video that proves the exact opposite of its maker’s intention: that in fact the singer/reality star is desperately alone and without financial or creative resources, and apparently without even the resources of a good friend to say “hey, this is not good, let’s try and think of something else for you to do, because I care about you and your goals are important to me, and I think this is actually going to be a step backwards on your path.” No? Just that? OK! Here we go again then!

How did the pitch for this video go? “So Courtney goes to this party and she sees this total nerd. I mean, this guy is just such a nerd. Not so bad of a nerd that he isn’t at the same rooftop party as the person who is supposedly the opposite of a nerd. He got an invite, too. And he’ll be standing with a group of friends, so he has friends, and he’ll be drinking casually and not seeming particularly uncomfortable, and it’s also worth noting that as soon as Courtney, who our video is positing is one of the sexiest “women” alive, sees him she will immediately go up to him and begin to grind her body against him and also undress him, so yeah, there’s definitely worse nerds out there with crippling social anxiety and little to no sexual charisma much less irresistible sexual charisma, but still: glasses? Uh, nerd alert. Sweater? Swirlie time! But so, Courtney sees this total nerd, and she rapes him. That’s most of the video. It’s kind of weird, I guess, since the only reason anyone even knows who Courtney is is because of the scandalous marriage she made to a much older man, to whom she is still married, so why exactly is she just raping people at a party? Does her husband know? Surely this is putting a strain on the relationship! But anyway, in the video, sometimes when she is not raping a nerd, we will have Courtney on a plywood pallet that says ‘Reality’ on it which is also the name of the song even though it is clear that Courtney has no grasp on actual reality and if it’s a reference to reality TV, which you would almost think makes sense, you then remember that her only real experience with that was as part of an ensemble cast on a little-watched Vh1 show about troubled relationships (see: above) and that hardly makes her NeNe Leakes, or whatever. But back to the pallet: it will be carried by four men in gold masks and undershorts who look like they are about to cry because whatever decision tree they have followed in their lives that has led them to this moment is finally too much. And these sad men will carry the sad pallet down one of the saddest looking streets in all of the world that is just in some fucking neighborhood who even knows, you guys are literally paying me in Lender’s bagels and used XBOX games, so stop being picky.” I bet it was something pretty close to that.