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That’s Your Girlfriend’s Aphrodisiac Lollipop Kickstarter Campaign

By Gabe Delahaye / February 5, 2013 - 11:45 am

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. What are you guys doing for the most wonderful day of the year?!?! Being truly and deeply in love with someone who fate brought into your loving arms, arms that had almost gotten tired from all of the waiting for this person into whose eyes you look and neither of you can even believe how lucky you are to have found each other in this crazy, mixed up world, what are the odds, YES, but what else? Like what are you going to do for FUN that doesn’t make everyone simultaneously mildly jealous but also quite sure you’re a liar. For one thing you were just as miserable as the rest of us four months ago before you met Tyler, and also we know where you two met and it is NOT romantic do you really want us to bring that up? And also that is NOT how the world works you know that, right? Like, by that logic, fate brought all of those children in Indonesia together with that bus fire. Grow up. I kind of want to go see A Good Day to Die Hard. Just kidding. I REALLY want to go see A Good Day to Die Hard. I don’t know what that “kind of” business was all about. “Will you be, like, my Valentine?” No. What the shit is that. Come on, boys. It is time for us to get serious about this relationship. WE ARE GOING TO A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD, AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO EAT SEX LOLLIPOPS. (Now it’s too strong, isn’t it?)

From your girlfriend:

There’s nothing stopping you. Except for the ocean of vomit you are going to have to swim through to get to your computer to order them. Which is broken because it is submerged in vomit. And/or just a simple disinterest in purchasing these ridiculous things. That definitely stops a lot of people from buying something, the lack of desire to do so. Maybe this promotional video from the official Pandora’s Pops Kickstarter page will change your mind! (It will not change your mind! It might increase your barf though!)

You’ve been working in natural and holistic health for 16 years and the best thing you could come up with after all of that time was a gimmicky fuck lollipop but you need the help of strangers to get it made? (Sorry, I know that she also offers lollipops for reducing stress and also for flight attendants? And for while you’re reading 50 Shades of Gray? So, three different kinds of pops, including the gimmick fuck pop?) It’s an aphrodisiac for three reasons, two of which are that it is organic and it is delicious, and the third reason is just “herbs”? Also what on Earth is that “regular” lollipop that we are all so used to?

Great normal example of your run-of-the-mill everyday “pop” that is full of things that do NOT make me want 2 fuck. Sorry, I just have to ask a few questions before I pledge $45,000 towards Pandora’s Pops. It is called Due Dillergernce and it was invented by Tyler Perry.

People often ask your girlfriend, “How did this happen? How did you come to make herbal lollipops?” And she always has to tell them, well, I haven’t yet. That is what the Kickstarter is for. FINGERS CROSSED! (Via LaughingSquid.)