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This Is Just A Good Bruce Willis In Die Hard Mural On The FOX Studio Lot

Gabe Delahaye | February 4, 2013 - 2:00 pm

Studio Executive 1: So we got the OK to put up our Bruce Willis in Die Hard mural on the lot.
Studio Executive 2: Oh great. Now we just have to pick an image to capture indelibly.
Studio Executive 1: How wonderful!
Studio Executive 2: Just this process alone of picking out the image will almost be as fulfilling and joyful as the mural itself.
Studio Executive 1: To be sure.
Studio Executive 2: So? What should it be? What about when John McCain strangles that bodybuilder with a chain in the loading dock!
Studio Executive 1: John McClane.
Studio Executive 2: What?
Studio Executive 1: The character’s name is John McClane.
Studio Executive 2: That’s what I said!
Studio Executive 1: Let’s move forward. I think that image might be a bit too violent.

Studio Executive 2: OK, how about we do a real graphic, hip hop, street-style type thing, right? Like a Die Hard mural painted by Crisp? So you’ve got a silhouette of the office building, right? And maybe, like, OK, a silhouette of John McCaine–
Studio Executive 1: –McClane–
Studio Executive 2: Exactly! Leaning against the building. And then over this in some big typeface font it just says “YIPPEE-KAI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER.”
Studio Executive 1: That’s very imaginative and you know I love Crisp, but I think maybe we should not have the word Motherfucker emblazoned in 80-foot-high letters on the side of a soundstage.
Studio Executive 2: I see what you mean. Jeez, this is fun, and I know it is the journey and not the destination, but it’s a lot harder to come up with a loving and permanent tribute to the movie Die Hard for our studio lot than I had at first imagined!
Studio Executive 1: We’ll get there. [Presses button on intercom.] Samantha: could you bring in some fresh cocaine? This cocaine has gone cold.
Studio Executive 2: Wait. I’ve got it!
Studio Executive 1: Wait on the cocaine?
Studio Executive 2: No no, let’s have some cocaine. I just mean, like, hold on.
Studio Executive 1: So hold on to the cocaine? For later.
Studio Executive 2: Sorry, I’m not expressing myself clearly. Let’s not make any changes to the cocaine. I just think I might have an idea for the mural.
Studio Executive 1: Go on. [Snorts cocaine.] I’m listening, I can listen and do cocaine.
Studio Executive 2: [Does cocaine.] What about that scene where he’s crawling over broken glass in bare feet?
Studio Executive 1: That’s very gruesome. But I feel like you have something with this crawling thing. I like crawling. Is there anywhere else that he crawls?
Studio Executive 2: Yes! In the air duct!
Studio Executive 1: OK. OK. Yeah. This cocaine is really good by the way, have you tried this cocaine?
Studio Executive 2: Yeah!
Studio Executive 1: Yeah!
Studio Executive 2: Cocaine!
Studio Executive 1: I know!
Studio Executive 2: Let’s kiss!
Studio Executive 1: Let’s finish the mural idea first.
Studio Executive 2: Fine. So, what if it’s the scene where he’s crawling through the air duct, but we make his face, like, so big.
Studio Executive 1: Hahaha yeah. Like, almost too big.
Studio Executive 2: People will be like, “whoa.”
Studio Executive 1: “Whoa, that’s a gigantic face.”
Studio Executive 2: It will be a little unsettling.
Studio Executive 1: It will make people think.
Studio Executive 2: Yeah.
Studio Executive 1: Like, open your eyes, sheeple.
Studio Executive 2: Faces are out there.
Studio Executive 1: What if the whole world is actually just a face?
Studio Executive 2: It’s so hot in here. Are you hot? I’m burning up.
Studio Executive 1: Take your shirt off!
Studio Executive 2: Too late!
Studio Executive 1: [Pushes button on intercom.] Samantha: cancel the rest of my meetings.
Studio Executive 2: We did it, Brian.
Studio Executive 1: You and me, Dutch.
Studio Executive 2: Here, I want you to have this.
Studio Executive 1: Your father’s watch? I can’t accept this.
Studio Executive 2: Then throw it in the garbage.

[Transcript continues for another four hours.]