The 39th annual People’s Choice Awards happened last night, as I bet nearly none of you know. “Oh no, I forgot to mail in my choices!” “I bought that box of Pop Tarts specifically so I could cut out the ballot on the back and mail it in, and then I just threw it in the garbage! Nooooo, not again!” That’s you right now. (I don’t know if People’s Choice Award ballots are printed on the back of Pop Tart boxes for a fact, but I cannot imagine the voting system working any other way.) The Big Bang Theory star Kaley Cuoco hosted for the second year in a row, and for the 39th year in a row I did not actually watch the show, but I’m sure she did a lovely job. Why would they have her back for a second year if she didn’t prove that she could do a lovely job the first time around? See, you don’t actually have to watch these things, you just have to use a little logic. CBS News did watch it, though, and painted this horrifying image of how the night began:

“The show opened with a montage of Cuoco in scenes from hit 2012 movies like “The Hunger Games” and “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″ before battling zombies dancing to “Gangnam Style.”

STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! What a nightmare! The winners were, as tradition demands, almost all garbage. The Best Aging Weirdo and Best “Down-To-Earth” Starlet awards, who were taken last year by Johnny Depp and Emma Stone, were given to Robert Downy Jr. and Jennifer Lawrence. (For Silver Linings Playbook, right?) (lol, jk.) (Also those guys aren’t garbage.) Adam Sandler got Best Comedic Movie Actor, and I am POSITIVE that it is only a coincidence that he also starred in a comedic movie this year. (That’s My Boy, if you are wondering.) “We just like him!” Hahaha, Zac Efron got “Best Dramatic Movie Actor” because of course he did. What a perfect awards show. I love it. Leverage got Best Cable TV Drama, whatever that even is. Basically all of our favorites. Check out the rest of the list, and also please check out the wonderful photo gallery.

Movie: “The Hunger Games”

Movie actor: Robert Downey, Jr.

Movie actress: Jennifer Lawrence

Action movie: The Hunger Games

Action movie star: Chris Hemsworth

Face of heroism: Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games

Comedic movie: Ted

Comedic movie actor: Adam Sandler

Comedic movie actress: Jennifer Aniston

Dramatic movie: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Dramatic movie actor: Zac Efron

Dramatic movie actress: Emma Watson

Movie franchise: The Hunger Games

Movie superhero: Robert Downey, Jr., Iron Man

On-screen chemistry: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, and Liam Hemsworth, The Hunger Games

Movie icon: Meryl Streep

Network TV comedy: The Big Bang Theory

Network TV drama: Grey’s Anatomy

Cable TV comedy: Awkward

Cable TV drama: Leverage

Premium cable TV show: True Blood

TV crime drama: Castle

Sci-fi/fantasy TV show: Supernatural

Comedic TV actor: Chris Colfer

Comedic TV actress: Lea Michele

Dramatic TV actor: Nathan Fillion

Dramatic TV actress: Ellen Pompeo

Daytime TV host: Ellen DeGeneres

Late-night talk show host: Jimmy Fallon

New talk show host: Steve Harvey

Competition TV show: “The X Factor”

Celebrity judge: Demi Lovato

Male artist: Jason Mraz

Female artist: Katy Perry

Pop artist: Katy Perry

Hip-hop artist: Nicki Minaj

R&B artist: Rihanna

Band: Maroon 5

Country artist: Taylor Swift

Breakout artists: The Wanted

Song: One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful”

Album: One Direction, “Up All Night”

Music video: Katy Perry, “Part of Me”

People’s voice: Christina Aguilera

Humanitarian: Sandra Bullock