One of our favorite Internet developments this year is the ubiquity of the “Would You Hit It?” headline. I’m sure this is much older than this year. People in caves probably painted pictures of bison with arrows pointing at their bison butts and scrawled “WOLD U HIT URT?” but still. It seems like this year it has become The Question to ask. What a horrible question! For one thing, it’s gross, and dehumanizing, and kind of sad. (It is also almost exclusively asked about HIGHLY HITTABLE people. No one is ever like, “Nick Nolte Mug Shot, Would U Hit It?” It’s just a beautiful person NOT WEARING MAKE UP while they get A CUP OF COFFEE. Gross? Unfuckable?) All of that being said, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WE WOULD WANT TO GET TO KNOW BEFORE WE HIT IT BUT WE WOULD DEFINITELY PROBABLY KISS IT AND WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH IT AND ASK IT QUESTIONS ABOUT ITSELF. Here are our crushes of 2012:
PADMA! SWEET SWEET PADMA! I have a feeling that if we had also done this list in years past, by now Padma would be the senior most entry, hanging on through five difficult years, because that’s the kind of woman she is. Haha, just kidding. Did you read those quotes about her from Salman Rushdie’s new memoir? What a fucking nightmare. What a fucking beautiful, poised nightmare who loves eating just as much as I do. Let’s get three-way married, Padma! You and me and a full-length “skinny” mirror!
As mentioned in the Best TV of 2012 list, Ben and Kate is a really good TV show and you should watch it. It’s good in no small part due to Dakota Johnson, who has such an easy and natural charm on the show that I “had” to look her up during the second or third episode to see who she was. DING DONG SURPRISE! It turns out that she’s the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. So, you know, her actual being a human being thing could really go either way. But she’s cute and fun on TV! And that is enough for US!
Hannah Simone plays Zooey Deschanel’s best friend on New Girl. Well, more accurately she plays Zooey Deschanel’s character’s best friend on New Girl, but that felt too laborious, as if this is somehow less laborious?! Back to Hannah: she supposedly has a degree in foreign relations and political science, which, you know, kind of sounds like all of those early-00s rumors about how Ashton Kutcher was an astrophysicist or whatever, but in this case I am choosing to believe it. Also she is a stone cold fox. “Gabe, it seems like you have a bit of a thing for Indian women.” “You, mind your business. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS! AND THIS HEART WANTS HANNAH SIMONE! OR PADMA! BUT ACTUALLY JUST HANNAH IF I REALLY HAD MY CHOICE! OK THIS IS GETTING CREEPY NOW!”
We weren’t really that into Jessica Chastain until we saw Lawless and then we were, uh, totally into Jessica Chastain. We realize that she played a reformed prostitute in that movie, but everyone deserves a second chance, OK?! (On a similar note, we almost included Bérénice Marlohe, who was the main Bond girl in Skyfall, and yes, she is a pretty lady, but there was something weird about saying “wasn’t that former child sex slave smoking?” and not just weird for us, ALSO WEIRD FOR JAMES BOND, COME ON JAMES BOND!)
One hilarious, beautiful half of our favorite hilarious, beautiful Portlandia duo, and also a rock star. R U KIDDING ME W/ THIS CRUSH?
It was a tough year for those of us who are in love with Aaron Paul and deserve to be with him more than anyone else in the world, because we love him more than anyone else in the world ever would or could and don’t we all deserve to be with the one blogger who would love us better than anyone else? But we’ve learned to get over it. The world has to keep spinning, and crushes have to keep crushing, even if you can’t marry them anymore. R.I.P. We’ll love the fake you we’ve created in our mind (that the real you on Twitter continues to distort) forever, Aaron Paul!
Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch. It has been quite a year for this guy! It was even the year when some of us — certainly not all of us, but let’s just say some of us — watched Sherlock for the very first time, even though people told us to watch it last year, as well, and WOWOWOWOW! What a dreamboat! What a sociopath! What a weirdo! WHAT A DREAMBOAT! We had no idea he was such a dreamboat until we saw him as Sherlock (which is possibly because he isn’t necessarily a dreamboat otherwise?) (shhhhh), but now he is a very strong Top Crush.
Jake Johnson! The second New Girl cast member to make the Crushes list! That show is just FULL OF CRUSHES! Jake Johnson’s character on New Girl is actually a nightmare, but that is hardly enough to keep him from being a very attractive, sweet, hilarious nightmare that you’d like to hang out with in real life. And he was in one of our favorite movies of the past year, Safety Not Guaranteed! Jake Johnson, everybody!
Mark Ruffalo, from when he starred in both Kelly and Gabe’s favorite movie You Can Count On Me in 2000, to when he starred in one of Gabe’s favorite movies of the year The Avengers, has been consistently handsome and very talented. Also he just seems nice. He seems like someone who would show up at your door after you’ve had a bad day with some beers and takeout food that you never order because you’re out of the delivery zone but that you really like and he’d just be like, “Let’s not even talk about it. Want to watch TV?” Hahaha. Basically the dream man? He seems great. Love you, Mark. Love you in You Can Count On Me.
UH, YEAH, NO DUH, KING OF THE CRUSHES.
(Main image via Shutterstock.)