Dear Hollywood’s Least Valuable Actors,
Good morning! How are our little champs doing today? Did you have a good breakfast? Orange juice, coffee, pastries, and whatever else you wanted probably? (Super strong bloody mary?) That’s great. Really, really great. I imagine at this point you’ve skimmed Forbe’s top ten list of the most overpaid actors in Hollywood, only to find your name at the top (Eddie Murphy, so sorry), somewhere in the middle (Jack Black — please take this as some sort of compliment — it seems like you’re doing better than I would’ve guessed), or at the bottom (Sarah Jessica Parker, my girl). While the amount you are overpaid varies, one fact remains constant between you: Your recent films earned only a bit more than what you (you beautiful, precious star) were paid to be in them. That fact might scare you. “Is my star burning out?” you’re probably wondering. “Are people going to stop paying me quite as much to be in movies in the future?” “Will reservations be harder to make?” “Will my vacations be a bit less beautiful?” I’m sorry that you even have to think about these things, you beautiful diamonds, but I have to tell you that the answer is “maybe.” The answer is “maybe” because I don’t know. Probably? I’m not totally sure how Hollywood works. You’re all still very famous and you will probably still get paid, like, a ton of money to be in movies. Or maybe you will have to do guest spots on TV shows until you are finally forgotten, left to age ungracefully until you die. “Oh, remember Mr. or Ms. So-and-So?” people will say when your name scrolls across the bottom of omg NOW!, announcing the news of your death. “Not really,” someone will respond. “C’mon, you remember! The actress/actor from that movie, uhhh, PS I Love You?” And, no, you were not in that movie. But the fact that you weren’t in that movie shouldn’t faze you. The important thing to remember is that the people in this conversation will not have their names scroll across the bottom of omg NOW! when they die, because they are nobodies. You all — you’re somebodies. You’ve reached your place in the sun and no list of how overpaid you are could ever change that. Except in the case of Katherine Heigl, probably.