A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Is Daniel Craig’s James Bond Body Too Buff?

staff | November 28, 2012 - 5:40 pm

Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Not much, it’s pretty cold where I am and I thought I was going to get a pair of shoes in the mail today but I didn’t
Kelly: So those are the only 2 things
Kelly: What’s up with U??
Gabe: ouch
Gabe: so sorry 4 u & ur life
Kelly: thx
Gabe: i’m fine
Gabe: just catching up on the latest
Gabe: jared leto terry richardson photo shoot
Gabe: are they or real roommates?
Gabe: how often do they hang out?
Gabe: once a day or more than that?

Kelly: I don’t know the answer, but it WOULD be hard to stay away from someone who allows you to create your best work
Kelly: Every day they don’t have a photo shoot is a day wasted
Kelly: Luckily they have one every day
Kelly: & it’s always hott
Gabe: one of the great friendships of our time
Gabe: i hope they publish their collected letters
Gabe: “Dear Jared, it has been four moons since I last had you take your clothes off and put this gun in your mouth.”
Kelly: hahahaaaa
Kelly: “Terry, tonight I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. Do you think that the true Jared is visible only through your lens?”
Gabe: 4,000 pages of letters and SEXTS in one volume
Kelly: <3 <3 I just hope they publish them before x-mas Kelly: Speaking of the hot men, I’ve been meaning to ask, do you think Daniel Craig is too buff to be James Bond?

Gabe: no
Kelly: Ok great me neither
Gabe: no one does
Gabe: not a single person thinks that
Gabe: Daniel Craig is perfect
Kelly: hahah whoa
Gabe: i defy you to find one person
Gabe: who thinks otherwise
Kelly: Ok what about Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen??????
Gabe: not a real person, you just made him up
Gabe: FAIL
Kelly: he thinks James Bonds should be old men who know how to discreetly tip valets
Gabe: i bet his editor at the washington post was like
Gabe: “another homerun, dick, i’m not even going to read it, i already sent it to the printers, A++”
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: this is a very dumb editorial
Gabe: “it used to be that only women were upheld to unrealistic standards of physical beauty, but now men who portray incredible action heroes are also expected to have a modicum of physical fitness? bah! why don’t we all just kill ourselves this life is so unfair!”
Kelly: Hahaha right
Kelly: “Since when is this something I have to deal with?”
Gabe: what is he even complaining about?
Gabe: that the bar used to be lower for grown ass men in their 50s to make believe fuck 20 year olds in fiction?
Kelly: Yes, I think that is exactly what he is complaining about
Gabe: is that even a real problem that needs addressing?
Gabe: also, look, if we are really going to go down this ad hominem hole

Gabe: it doesn’t matter who plays james bond
Kelly: hahahahahaAAAHAhahah
Gabe: Big Cohen Dot JPG
Kelly: Poor Dicky Cohen
Gabe: maybe he just made a mistake?
Gabe: and didn’t realize that his diary entry
Gabe: was going to get published in a newspaper?
Gabe: also there are 100 james bond movies, just go watch one of your old james bond movies and jerk off to that if you’re so sad
Gabe: why do you even care?!
Kelly: Clearly if James Bond in Skyfall were 55+ and not physically fit
Kelly: Rich Cohen would be getting boned by 20 year olds on the reg
Gabe: ““Skyfall” is a lot of fun — don’t get me wrong — but it still says something about our culture that, in the autumn of my years, I do not like.”
Gabe: UH OH
Gabe: “it was a lot of fun, but also my body is decaying and his isn’t”
Gabe: honestly i do not know
Kelly: It’s really just too bad
Kelly: That Daniel Craig
Kelly: Is changing the Hollywood culture from one that regularly displays and respects normal body types to one that praises abnormally beautiful ones
Gabe: i’m also pretty sure that what he’s saying doesn’t even make sense
Gabe: like, i think sean connery and cary grant
Gabe: were in pretty good shape for their time
Gabe: they didn’t look like daniel craig
Gabe: but
Gabe: they were more ripped than the rest of the BEASTS roaming the countryside
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: yes
Kelly: And had handsomer faces

Gabe: yeah
Kelly: Maybe Richard Cohen grew up thinking, like
Kelly: “When I’m old I’m going to be James Bond because James Bond is old.”
Gabe: “it’s unfair that james bond has a handsome face”
Gabe: “it used to be that people with ugly faces”
Gabe: “were the real heroes of my imagination”
Kelly: “Whenever I read a novel the hero is always unattractive.”
Gabe: again
Kelly: richyyyyyy
Gabe: “it says something about our culture that there are movies”
Gabe: he might as well have complained that the villain in skyfall used email
Gabe: whereas the old bond villains didn’t even have computers
Gabe: “it used to be that you could be evil simply by strapping a lazer to a shark”
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: “With these new gadgets, the rest of us don’t stand a chance!”
Gabe: his wife loves this post
Gabe: “oh richard, you never cease to surprise me!”
Gabe: his wife who is half his age
Gabe: i’m sure
Kelly: I bet he’s super super sweet to her though
Gabe: i’m sure, as long as she keeps it tight and pretty
Gabe: and fixes his Old Fashioned the way he likes when he walks in the door
Kelly: R.I.P. culture, you were wonderful while you lasted.
Kelly: Which was until Skyfall came out.
Gabe: at least Richard Cohen and I have entered our autumn years and will not have to suffer for too much longer
Gabe: the rest of you are fucking doomed
Kelly: Ugh you’re right
Kelly: For both of your sakes, I hope the movie stars in Heaven are disgusting.
Gabe: arthritic fingers crossed