A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Quentin Tarantino’s Retirement
Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: kelly, what up dog
Kelly: Not much, dog!
Kelly: Hanging out on the stupid, boring Internet
Kelly: Same as ever
Kelly: What’s up with you?
Gabe: i’m in this little cafe called starbucks right now
Gabe: it’s this hidden gem of a cafe
Gabe: my little secret
Kelly: It sounds really, really delightful.
Gabe: it’s real charming
Gabe: it’s like being in europe
Gabe: i would imagine
Kelly: That’s sounds sooooo nice.
Gabe: don’t tell anyone, though
Gabe: i don’t want it to get overrun with HIPSTERS
Gabe: taking pictures of these amazing capuccinos
Gabe: for their food tumblrs
Kelly: OMG don’t even get me started on hipsters and food tumblrs, I definitely will not tell anyone about it your secret’s safe with me.
Gabe: thanks dummy
Kelly: Speaking of dummy, did you hear that Quentin Tarantino is retiring?!
Kelly: After he makes three more movies?!?!
Gabe: well, that makes sense
Gabe: he IS a 600 year old vampire
Kelly: Ugh but it’s always so sad when they have to hang up their crumpled vampire skin for good.
Gabe: i kind of support when artists retire
Kelly: Strong words
Gabe: but it’s always weird
Gabe: when they just loosely threaten to retire
Gabe: in 10-15 years
Gabe: like, i understand the impulse to be protective of your body of work
Gabe: and i think quentin tarantino is mostly right taht directors don’t get better with time
Gabe: for whatever reason
Gabe: but if he’s not retiring right away
Gabe: how does he even know he will live long enough to make three more movies?
Gabe: we all might die tomorrow
Kelly: That’s a good point
Gabe: all of us, together
Gabe: JUST SAYING, NO REAL PLANS OR ANYTHING
Gabe: it is like me saying “I will probably sell my house eventually.”
Gabe: i don’t own a house
Gabe: but, like, if i do ever own a house, i bet maybe i sell it and buy a different house?
Gabe: i like that he also says that he also might not retire after three more films if he has a great idea that he wants to turn into a film
Gabe: so it’s like, what are we even talking about anymore?
Kelly: I have no idea why he is even talking about retiring.
Kelly: It is only going to be embarrassing for him and disappointing for the rest of us when he makes 100 more movies
Gabe: “I’ll probably retire one day unless I never retire. What was the quesiton again? And who is asking it?”
Gabe: who is asking him about retiring?
Gabe: how did this come up?
Kelly: It was the 20th anniversary of Reservoir Dogs?
Gabe: “Your movie Reservoir Dogs came out 20 years ago, and in the next 20 years, other things will happen. Do you agree?”
Kelly: Hahah. I am looking and I really do not know. It seems like it’s just an idea he’s thrown out in a few interviews.
Gabe: That he doesn’t want to be an “old-man filmmaker.”
Gabe: it’s funny because “retirement” is completely meaningless
Gabe: when you are a multi-millionaire celebrity director
Gabe: who makes movies whenever he wants
Gabe: he might stop making movies, but that’s not “retirement”
Gabe: he will still be drinking diamond smoothies out by the swimming pool he had built in the shape of Bruce Willis’s dick or whatever
Kelly: And we’ll still have to see his face all the time, I bet.
Gabe: i hope so
Gabe: i hope he becomes a judge on X Factor
Gabe: i mean, the other side of him talking about retiring and not wanting to make bad movies is that it brings up a weird question of what the point of making movies is in the first place
Gabe: what i mean is
Gabe: if quentin tarantino is an artist, and i believe that he is
Gabe: then the point of his making movies is a grand-scale ambitious form of self-expression
Gabe: so, how/why would that impulse just go away? because of fear?
Gabe: i guess he could just start doing water colors or write fan fiction or something
Kelly: Well I think what he’s saying, and why he wants to do a strict “retirement,” is because the impulse will not go away.
Kelly: But will lead to worse films.
Gabe: right, ok, that makes sense
Gabe: how do you stop that impulse?
Gabe: when everyone is encouraging you
Gabe: to indulge in that impulse?
Gabe: how is he going to be able to know
Gabe: that his new idea isn’t any good?
Gabe: he was pretty sure his old ideas were good
Gabe: they were! his movies are great
Gabe: except grindhouse
Gabe: that is horrible
Kelly: Well, I’m pretty sure the answer is going to be
Kelly: That he won’t be able to stop that impulse
Gabe: but, like, it’s going to be the same brain telling him “no, you should do this, it’s great,” that told him that the last time
Gabe: he handcuffs himself to the radiator
Gabe: and tells Uma Thurman not to uncuff him no matter what crazy things he says in the night
Kelly: He should just write a letter to his future self that says, “Remember what younger Quentin would’ve wanted.”
Gabe: well, obviously, our hopes and prayers will be with Quentin Tarantino in 10 to 15 years after he finishes three more movies
Gabe: that he finds his way
Gabe: i hope some other people read what he has said
Gabe: and think about their own futures
Gabe: COUGH RICKY GERVAIS COUGH COUGH COUGH
Gabe: COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH
Kelly: Uh-oh! Are you sick?!?!
Kelly: I will keep both you and Quentin in my prayers.
Gabe: sorry, something just went down the wrong pipe
Kelly: Oh phew
Gabe: you know how you have different pipes?
Gabe: and some of them are the right pipes and some of them are the wrong pipes?
Kelly: Yeah there are 2 pipes one’s for food and one’s for liquid.
Kelly: I WENT TO SCHOOL JUST LIKE YOU GABE
Gabe: doubt it
Kelly: Hahah wait is that how you went to school?
Gabe: no, this is
Kelly: OH SHIT!
Gabe: and this is how you went
Kelly: :( :( :( THAT IS PRIVATE!!
Gabe: see? different.
Kelly: :( You’re right.
Gabe: have you ever thought about it?
Gabe: early retirement?
Kelly: Well I have to tell you, Gabe, that I have a feeling that no matter how I respond it is only going to end in you firing me.
Gabe: kelly, please
Gabe: you and i both know
Gabe: that you could save yourself a lot of embarassment
Gabe: by simply offering your resignation
Gabe: which i would gladly accept
Gabe: don’t you want to enjoy more time with your family?
Gabe: take up a hobby!
Kelly: I guess more time with my family would be nice, yeah.
Gabe: like “learning how to blog and not get fired”
Gabe: or “knitting a new job”
Gabe: i’m jealous
Kelly: You should be jealous!
Gabe: it’s good to know when to get fired when you’re ahead