Lindsay Lohan Would Like Everyone To Relax

By Gabe Delahaye / October 29, 2012

Hey, Lindsay Lohan, you fucking idiot, I’ve read The Secret cover to cover, OK? I GET IT. That stupid book is so stupid but the basic, most simple underlying premise is fine: if you think positively about your life then you will enjoy your life more. That sounds about right, actually. Of course, The Secret spends less time talking about happiness and more time about finding the perfect parking spot, but the point is the same: let’s all improve our attitudes when it comes to our own perceived satisfaction in life! Note: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO HURRICANES. The reason that people are freaking out about Sally is due to the fact that they are living in areas that have been declared STATES OF EMERGENCY by the GOVERNMENT, where there is the threat of billions of dollars in property damage, flood waters, flying glass, and electrical outages, where most of the local businesses have been shut down (although not, as of this writing, the Edible Arrangements in Park Slope, so there is still a sliver of hope) as well as public transportation. It’s not really an issue of people, I don’t even know what you think, people being mean to each other in YouTube comments? Like, somehow I actually think Lindsay Lohan is attributing HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS with the same kind of dark impulses that lead the paparazzi to scream things at her outside of the Chateau Marmont in the hopes of stirring up a dramatic reaction. Oh, Lindsay Lohan. You are thousands of miles from the storm and yet somehow you are the one I worry about most of all*. Be safe, girl! (Via BestRoofTalkEver.)

*This is a category 5 exaggeration.