This Week In Movie Trailers, You Guys

My grandparents are in town visiting this week and they asked me if there were any good movies out right now. My grandparents love movies! The thing is though, I didn’t really know what to tell them. No? Not really? I told them they could see The Master, but that my feeling about that movie is that it’s like eating a really fancy, expensive meal and still being hungry after. (But the chefs’ acting is superb!) I told them I was looking forward to the new James Bond but that it hadn’t come out yet. And that’s about all I could think of. What am I going to say? End of Watch? No. (Although End of Watch is not bad, I think I told you. But the ending is awful. And also fuck found footage movies in the face, enough.) So fingers crossed that some of these upcoming movies will ge grandparent-recommendation worthy! (JK I already know they will hate all of these.)

Iron Man 3

I hate to be the one to say this, but this looks bad. Like, the part where Bizarro Iron Man scares Pepper Pots and Tony Stark in bed is pretty good, but otherwise it just looks kind of…lame. Dragging the suit through the snow? That’s the kicker! And also “Rule number one heroes? There are none of those.” I know that’s a misquote but that is the clunkiest line ever. I hope this movie is good, but I have qualms. QUALMS! DJ Qualms.

Evil Dead

This is too scary. I know that the Evil Dead is supposed to be an actual horror movie, and I also know that Sam Raimi is nominally involved in this, and there’s something to be said about getting to make your idea with the actual means that you were originally lacking, but isn’t it the campiness of the original that makes it such a success? This just looks boiler plate. Good luck. One adult for no thank you.

A Haunted House

Haha. OK! You got me. I will never ever see this or any of the Marlon Wayans meta-parody movies, but this trailer made me laugh. It’s just enough! No more! That’s plenty! Thank you, though! That was perfect!

Holy Motors

This looks very ’90s, but in a good way. It’s got a real David Cronenberg, The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover kind of feel to it. (I know that’s not a David Cronenberg movie, I’m posing two separate examples!) I’m sure it has a lot to say about, like, our obsession with physical beauty and maybe the insipidness of the fashion world, or maybe sex, and also limousines, and don’t forget white eyeballs as metaphor for the decrepitude of our collective vision. Hahah. But this looks good I mean.

Empires Of The Deep

Fuck you, I’m not even watching this trailer whatever the fuck this even is what is this no.

Safe Haven

Sparks pulls [a book] off the shelf. “A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write,” he says, putting it back. “That’s what I write.”