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No More Questions From Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Please!

By Gabe Delahaye / September 27, 2012 - 1:15 pm

Earlier this week, Barack and Michelle Obama appeared on The View to talk about the day’s Hot Topics, or whatever. (Michelle can’t believe that the woman in Idaho who got gum in her hair went to the emergency room and agrees with Joy that the emergency room shouldn’t be used for hair related problems even if it is a lot of gum!) Some people have complained that the President of the United States shouldn’t even be appearing on The View in the first place, which seems like a decent argument/complaint but that ship sailed a long time ago. At this point we should just all be glad that the candidates in a general election year aren’t appearing on a special episode of Wipe Out! where the mud is red white and blue paint and the boxing gloves have important issue keywords on them. “Oh, and there goes Mitt Romney, taken down with one punch by Social Security.” PLOP! But, so, I stumbled across a clip from the episode in which Elisabeth Hasselbeck “grills” Obama on some of the important questions concerning American voters in this troubled economy (you can watch the clip here) and it suddenly made me so angry. It’s pretty natural to get angry when Elisabeth Hasselbeck opens her mouth because so much of what comes out is self-righteous, unearned, total nonsense. And such is the case here except that she is doing it in front of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Like, really holding his feet to the fire as if she has a mandate from the American people* to ask the tough questions, even if she herself doesn’t understand the wording of the questions. (I also like in that clip how she feels the need to point out that she likes Barack and Michelle Obama personally, just not politically, again as if that is her duty as a Judge of the Court of Thinking and Political Philosopher to separate the two. We are rational creatures are we not?!) I mentioned to Kelly how angry I was that a fucking reality show contestant had been secretly and mysteriously elevated to the point of Valued Opinion Haver in our society such that she was then granted access to the President of the United States, and Kelly asked if I was talking about the Conan segment where he yells about that, and I hadn’t even seen the Conan segment yet! So then I watched the Conan segment:

Ha ha. Seriously! (What this proves, of course, is that I should have my own talk show. Right? I am sure that is what this proves. Me and Conan O’Brien had the same independent thought one time ergo give me a TV show. It’s called logical rhetoric, and it’s a tautology.) But, so, Conan makes a good if at this point repetitive point: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN TO BE QUESTIONING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? Let’s make something very clear: I am not arguing that the President is infallible or that no one should ask the President questions. You know I am not arguing that. The President is a Bloopers Machine, and he should be asked difficult, gotcha questions on a daily basis. Just not by former reality show contestants on a bloviating garbage show hosted by a group of self-satisfied hens. Remember when Star Jones said that God had blessed her by not killing her in the Tsunami that took 300,000 other lives? Or how about when Sheri Shepard said she didn’t know whether the world was round and that maybe it was actually flat in her first two weeks on the show. THIS IS A REAL SHOW? AND WE PRETEND THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THAT IS WORTH LISTENING TO?

Conan took up the cause again last night in another clip clarifying his “position”:

The throw away point that Conan defends against, that somehow he was just saying the things he said in the first clip because he is a liberal**, which–PUH-LEASE–brings up an even more curious question: aren’t conservatives embarrassed to have her on their team? The fact that she really DOES represent some brand of republican brain trust on The View, to spar on equal footing with Whoopi (LOL, come ON, what are we TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE?) should be a red flag to someone who believes in smaller government, personal resonsibility, and legislating against women’s reproductive freedom. It’s a bummer!

Anyway, I know Conan is joking when he urges a constitutional amendment against reality shows being allowed to ask the President questions unless they win their show, but I really do think we should put an end to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s access. Take away her backstage pass! Put her in the bleachers. Give her a pair of binoculars and a score card. She can watch the game just like everybody else. Have fun! Shut up!

*The problem of course being that she kind of DOES have a mandate from the American people, one that was admittedly purchased whole cloth for her by ABC, but which grants her this audience-approved license. It says a lot more about us than it does about her. That being said, we can take her mandate away at any time, so why don’t we take her mandate away?
**The counter argument would be that it’s no better to have Jon Stewart, say, ask the President questions. Honestly, that’s fine. Let’s not have either of these people ask the President questions. I do think one of them is worse because one of them is a fucking idiot, but no, yes, leave the questions to serious people. That’s fine!