Hi. How are you? I’m really, really great. Thanks so much for asking. Anyway, my name is Dave Hill and- as hinted at in the title of this posting- I am totally going to guest edit the fuck out of Videogum today. I realize that- this being the Internet and all- there are some of you who might already be familiar with me. Also, I am really, really famous and also extremely wealthy (a fact that has afforded me the luxury to- after lengthy and heated negotiations during which everyone involved stormed out of the room at least once- agree to do this today ENTIRELY FREE OF CHARGE).
With the introductions and formalities out of the way, I just wanted to say that I am really, really excited to be doing this, not only because Gabe said I wouldn’t have to put pants on at any point during this process, but also because he said it was totally fine if I used the F word, which is to say the fuck word, which- in turn- is to say the best word. At least I think he did (and Gabe, if you didn’t, I’m really sorry about everything so far. This is really showing a lack of professionalism on my part to say the least. I know- not cool). Furthermore, Videogum is all about movies, TV, and Internet stuff. I have seen movies (like, a bunch of them, even), I own a television (state of the art 1994 and I STILL have the remote, thank you), and I have been on the Internet since roughly 1998 (I mean, not the whole time since then, but that’s when they started letting me on the computers at the library unattended). In short, I was basically born to do this, as I will undoubtedly demonstrate like a motherfucker up until that point later in the day when they tell me I can stop and get back to just sitting here in my underwear without all the clickety-clackety of this damn laptop (which- for the record- gets so, so hot sometimes when you’re not wearing pants. What about my children?) going on.
Okay, I need to stop typing now so I can get back to plotting and planning my next post, one filled with substance, profanity, and- I am hoping- some of the classiest dick jokes you’ve ever read. In the meantime, please watch this message from one of my many, many corporate sponsors above. Since Gabe said I couldn’t collect all of the ad revenues that come in today (something that my friend Phil and I thought to be TOTALLY REASONABLE), I have been forced to offset the costs (e.g. Funyuns) of my personal operation by other means.