Shark Alert! Stay Out Of The Water!

Kelly Conaboy | July 16, 2012 - 12:30 pm

It’s summertime, we’re in the middle of a heatwave that has made it incredibly unpleasant to be anywhere other than the room you have your window-unit air conditioner in, and I know many of you guys are probably headed either to the beach or to your pool or to the pool of someone you’re friends with. That’s just great. That’s really nice for you guys, totally. So nice. And once you’re there you’re probably going to Tweet a few things about how it’s so great to take a swim on such a hot day, or how you really “needed this,” and you’re going to Instagram photos of your legs on the beach, behind whatever book you’re reading, and the beach is going to look so beautiful and clean and the water is going to look so blue and inviting, so much so that some of us may look at the your photos and Tweets from their muggy apartment where they are working for a living like they ASSUMED EVERYONE HAD TO?, and think, “I hate this person.” So searing their hatred will be that they’ll think that you MUST, IF THERE ARE ANY GODS IN THE UNIVERSE, be able to feel it slightly, at least for one passing moment. But you won’t be able to, of course. You, sitting on the beach or sipping on a frozen cocktail near someone’s incredible pool that couldn’t possibly be anywhere near the city so I have no idea where you are or why you aren’t at work — you’ll feel none of it. You’ll only feel the refreshing splash from someone playing a game in the pool, the soothing grains of sand on your feet, the warm sun nicely complementing the cool waters. You’ll feel relaxed. You’ll feel rejuvenated. You’ll feel A SHARK SNEAKING UP ON YOU AND BLOCKING YOU FROM GETTING BACK TO YOUR BOAT, HUNGRY FOR YOUR STRESS-FREE FLESH!!!!!!!!!

Stay out of the water, you guys. Stay in your hot, disgusting apartments. Go to work for what will apparently be the first time in your lives. STOP RELAXING. (Via TheDailyWhat.)