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Duh Aficionado Magazine: Katie Holmes Something Something Scientology

By Gabe Delahaye / July 2, 2012 - 11:45 am

As we all sit around and watch the very notion of true and lasting love die right before our eyes, a lot of attempts are going to be made to understand what happened as if it even matters because what’s the point? It’s hopeless! Lots of relationships go through ups and downs but if TomKat can’t make it work then who can? Nobody, I bet. But, so, in a desperate attempt to keep ourselves occupied while all of our hearts simultaneously break, people want to know HOW and WHY did THE DREAM die, and the answer is: no one will ever know but Scientology was probably involved no duh. Over the weekend, people started saying that Katie was leaving Tom because of Scientology. And then they got more specific: Katie was leaving Tom because she was convinced that he was going to donate (my word) Suri to Sea Org, which is a strict program within the church in which the Sea Org members serve cocktails on a boat and sign a ONE BILLION YEAR CONTRACT to the volcano Engineer or whatever (gets me every time! Sometimes I forget and then this detail pops up again and I remember and I laugh and laugh). Was Tom going to make Suri serve drinks on the boat? Would Suri spend the next one billion years in a volcano? Hard to say. And then TMZ was reporting that Scientologists might have been tailing Katie Holmes in an unmarked SUV. Yikes! (My favorite part of that story is how they point out that there is “a publication” tailing Katie, but that there are also other people tailing her. “A publication.” Could be anybody, right, TMZ? No way to know which “publication” is tailing her. Stay on the case, guys! Crack that scoop! Assholes.) But then the “church” officially told TMZ they were “not” tailing Katie Holmes, so maybe they aren’t, although they didn’t rest their case by saying “we rest our case” so the case is still open. Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch broke his legendary silence about Tom and Katie’s divorce by tweeting about it. And guess what Rupert Murdoch thinks killed love for once and for all: Scientology. And he would know because he owns the news.

There’s no way for any of us to truly know what goes on in the private lives of others, even when they are the Olympic Dream Team of Romantic Couples who are def in love forever and so sad to see them split apart and it will never be the same but the point of this story is that Scientology has something to do with it not sure what but almost certainly something no duh. No duh!