Videogum

“Ain’t No Homos Gonna Make It To Heaven”

By Gabe Delahaye / May 31, 2012 - 11:45 am

After the jump, I have posted a low-quality cellphone video of a very little child dressed in a sweater vest and standing on stage at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle church in Greensburg, IN, reciting some kind of original composition song/poem that ends with the line “I know the bible’s right, somebody’s wrong, ain’t no homos gonna make it to heaven.” Good song/poem! You know it’s a good song/poem because as soon as he’s finished singing it, he gets a STANDING OVATION. Oh, the adults are just so impressed their terrible little piece of shit. It is just rapturous. This kid is the fucking Beatles to these garbage adults. Now, let’s remember something: it’s 2009, OK? And that goes both ways. What I mean is that on the one hand, you feel like it’s mildly shocking to witness such overt and proudly hateful bigotry, and on the other hand, we should no longer be shocked by displays of overt and proudly hateful bigotry. I mean, at this point what do we expect? Although there are a few things that are kind of “interesting” about this. For one thing, it’s not even talking about the gay marriage debate, which does seem to be the touchstone equality issue at the moment, right? I didn’t know we were still talking about HEAVEN. That’s very intense, and actually a little surprising. I mean, heaven doesn’t exist, but that FACT aside, I thought the people who believed in heaven were in agreement that those people who made lifestyle choices on Earth that would deny them entry were to be pitied and every attempt was supposed to be made to get them in there, because heaven is the best and there’s room enough for everybody as long as you just clap your hands loud enough and believe. You were supposed to pray for people, not applaud their eternal damnation. No? Am I the one who’s being weird on this? Do you see what I’m saying? We are talking about SHIT THAT HAPPENS AFTER EVERYONE IS DEAD, and there is a STANDING OVATION when a little boy implies that millions upon millions of human beings are going to end up in the only clear alternative for someone who ain’t gonna make it to heaven: hell. APPLAUSE BREAK! It’s one thing for people to think that two people who love each other shouldn’t be allowed to get married because marriage is reserved for the sanctity of one man reality show contestant and one woman reality show contestant. Those people are so wrong it’s physically painful, BUT, that’s at least a tangible, empirically demonstrable thing. Their hatred has an actual target, which is those two seemingly nice gentlemen holding hands and eating gelato. But here we are just straight up cheering because when everything is said and done and we have all used up the very limited time that we have on this Earth, THEN THE HOMOS WILL LEARN THE ULTIMATE LESSON AND THANK GOODNESS NOW LET’S ALL HAVE SOME MEATLOAF. Hold on, let’s actually watch the video:

Guuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh. Here’s a genuine question: what are these guys so scared of? Again, let’s set aside the gay marriage thing. There is no counter-argument to equality,there just isn’t, but I’m willing to play devil’s advocate insofar as imagining a person who genuinely believes that somehow legalizing gay marriage threatens the foundations of their experience of the world. That’s not true and it’s a boring game of devil’s advocate we are playing, but just bear with me. Here, though, the fear is even more deeply-rooted. It is one’s simple existence that is threatening. Why? Because of how all the non-gays are going to get ass-raped by the gays if we’re not careful? I mean, that is true. That is bullet point #4 in the Gay Agenda. (Download a PDF of the Gay Agenda on Tumblr.) But it can’t JUST be the mandatory ass-rape everyone is going to receive from the openly gay soldiers serving in the military. There has to be something more to it. And this might be a tired or boring question not unlike “Who built stonehenge?” or “Why is the sky gay?” but that doesn’t make it not worth asking again (and again and again): what is the fear?

Either way, what a bunch of fucking assholes. I know “God didn’t make no junk” but it kind of seems like he came close with the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle church in Greensburg, IN. (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)