John Travolta Continues To Rest His Case

Gabe Delahaye | May 9, 2012 - 9:30 am

Yesterday, it was reported that John Travolta was being sued by a male masseuse for grabbing the man’s penis and then masturbating in front of him. (Oh, and GOOD MORNING, by the way.) Travolta is denying the accusations, claiming that he was in New York the whole time, which, fair enough, your honor, but also haha, your honor. And now, today, he is being sued by another male masseuse for a pretty similar “crime” (now that we’re talking about it, I’m starting to wonder what is actually illegal about this whole thing. Gross and sad and lame, yes, but maybe not illegal?) and to complicate things the new masseuse is represented by the same attorney as the old masseuse, which either makes their case weaker or stronger, I’M NOT SURE. Right? Like, it could really go either way! On the one hand, it feels a little suspicious and a little opportunistic, and on the other hand, patterns are formed and each accusation lends credence to the other. But most importantly, the new masseuse has a VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION of what seems to be THE PROBLEM. This is a kind of NSFW description so EARMUFFS! But for your EYES! From the HuffingtonPost:

“[Travolta had] a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table…Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat…Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of ‘Glutes’ work meaning a massage on his buttocks…While [the plaintiff] was massaging near Travolta’s buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus.”

Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2’s hand on Travolta’s scrotum. Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2’s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover.”

Haha. That sounds about right. “These sheets are too sticky!” Classic Travolta. And I’m not even sure why the part about him pulling his butthole open is mentioned in the case. He was getting a massage wasn’t he? What was he supposed to do with his butthole?! HEY! STOP TORTURING THE MAN, NORTH CAROLINA! (That’s kind of an easy way to segue into a discussion of last night’s disappointing and morally unacceptable vote in North Carolina to create a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, but also hey, FUCK THEM! What a hateful, backwards thing to do. It’s just another vote that’s going to have to be repealed in the slow march of progress, but it stands as a black mark on the history of humankind that we’re going to have a real tough time explaining to future generations. Why couldn’t gay people get married even though they loved each other? And why is the Earth covered in water? Shut up, Junior. Eat your hoverpeas.) Really, though, it is the same overarching bigoted tone of our dumb society that leads to things like North Carolina and the self-destructive, legally impactful, sexually wanton behavior of possibly closeted celebrities and/or non-celebrities who feel that they cannot lead the lives that they would like to lead. Who cares who touches whose dick when the towels get too hot? GET A LIFE, JEWS.