A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: The Bachelor‘s Racism Lawsuit
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Oh, you know
Kelly: Nothing. Wondering if it’s going to rain today. What’s up with you?
Gabe: nothing much
Gabe: just sitting here
Gabe: wishing someone
Gabe: would invent technology
Gabe: that we could know whether it would rain or not
Kelly: All right
Kelly: Good luck with that
Gabe: now that we’ve successfully created photorealistic dinosaurs
Gabe: in Jurassic Park III: The Lost World
Gabe: it’s time to turn our technological attentions
Gabe: towards the rain
Gabe: so that you can GET BACK TO WORK
Kelly: UGH GABE I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SMALL TALK YOU ARE SO DIFFICULT
Gabe: if you’ve got time to small talk you’ve got time to clean
Kelly: Is that a quote from Downton Abbey
Gabe: IN THIS ECONOMY
Kelly: Well I really wanted to ease you into this
Kelly: But The Bachelor, your favorite dating show for white people
Kelly: Is currently the subject of a class-action lawsuit
Gabe: oh no, is it ok?
Gabe: is the show ok?
Kelly: I’m sure the show will be fine, don’t worry
Gabe: ok phew
Kelly: It’s just in a little bit of hot water right now because there has never been a non-white Bachelor
Gabe: are you sure?
Gabe: just kidding
Kelly: And two football players are claiming that their interviews to be The Bachelors were not taken as seriously as their white counterparts
Gabe: i really hope that these tapes are entered into the public record as evidence
Gabe: in the case of Football vs. The Bachelors
Gabe: i want to see their interviews
Gabe: these incredible interviews of two wonderful bachelors
Gabe: who were denied finding TRUE LOVE because of the color of their skin
Kelly: Their chance for a happy life was taken away
Gabe: their one and best chance
Gabe: i am sure they are right that The Bachelor has some deep racial bias
Gabe: although i didn’t know you were allowed to sue a TV show for that
Gabe: if that were the case, The Bachelor might be a little lower on the list
Kelly: Right, which really does make the part about their interviews
Kelly: And how sure they are that if they were not black they would be in a loving marriage right now
Kelly: Really the important part of the whole thing
Kelly: Not that it isn’t just nice to point out that a show is racist
Gabe: well, a) i don’t think you can sue a TV show for being racist
Gabe: and b) if you COULD sue a TV show for being racist
Gabe: the winning argument isn’t necessarily
Gabe: “because if it wasn’t, I would be on it”
Gabe: like, if the show wasn’t racist maybe SOMEONE black would be on it
Gabe: but is it for sure these two?
Kelly: It is certainly a very presumptuous lawsuit
Gabe: i hope these poor guys put a link to the deadline article about their lawsuit
Gabe: on their OK Cupid profile
Gabe: HEY LADIES, CHECK OUT THESE TWO CATCHES
Gabe: two very cool single dudes full of confidence
Gabe: “I like long walks on the beach and frivolous lawsuits.”
Kelly: Hahah, aww
Kelly: Now I feel bad for them
Kelly: Not because of racists but because they’re lonely :(
Gabe: maybe you should MARRY THEM
Gabe: just make sure the chapel has wifi
Gabe: because you used up all your sick days
Kelly: Oh sure, I wouldn’t have tried to ask for the day off.
Kelly: It needs wifi anyway so you can Skype in
Kelly: To when I marry two football players
Gabe: “how did you three meet?”
Gabe: “I read about their lawsuit on the Internet”
Gabe: “and looked them up on Orkut”
Kelly: “The Bachelor really DOES work.”
Kelly: Do you know what they want from this lawsuit?
Gabe: to end racial discrimination in America one reality show at a time just kidding?
Gabe: they’re suing for a rose, yes?
Gabe: damages: one rose
Gabe: also wait
Gabe: HOW IS IT TWO PEOPLE
Gabe: there is only one bachelor anyway?
Kelly: That will be a funny predicament
Kelly: Once they win the lawsuit
Gabe: how would the judge decide who to give the rose to?!
Kelly: DOY THEY WOULD LISTEN TO THEIR HEART
Gabe: just cut the rose in half
Gabe: and the true black bachelor
Gabe: would say not to
Kelly: Oooh right, that’s good.
Kelly: The true Black Bachelor will understand
Kelly: that winning half of a judge’s rose is not enough for a happy life
Gabe: by the power vested in me by the state of courtroom i now pronounce you the black bachelor. you may kiss the rose.