A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Remakes, Reboots, And Sequels
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Not a lot, same as ever
Kelly: Anything up with you?
Gabe: thank you so much for asking
Kelly: Well, you’re welcome.
Gabe: mostly i have just spent the whole day
Gabe: staring at that photo
Gabe: of someone aggressively dunking a donut
Gabe: into a cup of coffee and splashing it everywhere
Kelly: Oh yeah I saw that photo
Kelly: Very intense, it must have been a very full cup of coffee
Gabe: that person (you?) needs to relax (is it you in the photo?)
Kelly: (to be honest, I had to ask myself that when I saw it too. I don’t think so though, only because my nails are much longer.)
Kelly: Is it ok if we spend the whole chat talking about that photo or do we have to talk about something else?
Kelly: Did you see that photo at a capital one bank?
Gabe: I did see it at a Capital One Bank
Kelly: I pass a capital one every day and I have seen that photo, but I never noticed how intense it was until you pointed it out
Kelly: You’re like Jerry Seinfeld
Gabe: funny you should mention that
Gabe: because of how Jerry Stiller
Gabe: who played George’s dad on Seinfeld
Gabe: was a capital one spokesman recently
Gabe: this is just a great chat
Kelly: I’m learning a lot
Gabe: well, ok, see you around!
Gabe: thanks for the great chat!
Kelly: I already left! you’re saying goodbye to no one!
Kelly: So wait I’m still here are you
Gabe: why are you still talking to me?
Gabe: i feel like we covered everything
Kelly: We pretty much did but I forgot that I wanted to ask you when you wanted to go see Titanic 3D
Gabe: oh my god, you haven’t seen it yet?!
Gabe: hahah what a lame-o dork loser dork!
Gabe: everybody’s seen it already, kelly, you’re OUT
Kelly: oh nooo!!!!!
Kelly: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAW IT WITHOUT ME
Kelly: I’ll have to see it alone, the way it was MEANT to be seen.
Gabe: i am not going to see Titanic 3D
Kelly: Why not
Gabe: because i do not like that movie, i think it’s a bad movie, and i saw it 100 years ago
Gabe: in many respects, it’s actually incredible that i even survived
Gabe: so long as to see a black Titanic 3D in my lifetime
Gabe: are you excited?
Gabe: as a WOMAN?
Kelly: As a woman I’ve already fainted about it and cannot even respond
Kelly: No, to be honest, Gabe, I’m not excited about it either.
Gabe: because you’re anti-love
Kelly: I’m anti-sadness
Kelly: And anti-3D
Kelly: Because the glasses
Gabe: but pro LEOOOOOOOO
Kelly: Obviously pro Leo, I have EYES and a HEART
Kelly: But I don’t really understand the need to re-release Titanic a million years later in 3D
Gabe: that’s an easy one
Gabe: it’s called
Gabe: HELLO, ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
Kelly: But WHEN ARE THE BILLIONS GOING TO RUN OUT?
Kelly: Like looking at what movies are in right now
Kelly: 21 Jump Street, Titanic 3D, The Lorax, American Reunion, and Mirror Mirror are in there
Kelly: and that’s just today
Kelly: and you know
Gabe: love it, hate it, love it, hate it, love it
Gabe: keep going
Kelly: When are people going to stop paying for the same stories over and over again? EVER?
Gabe: well, you see, here is the rub
Gabe: everyone sees it as either/or
Gabe: the business people who are making these decisions
Gabe: seem to feel like the payoff from the sequel/reboot/franchises negates any value in doing much of anything else
Gabe: and the people who are “against” the sequels/reboots/franchises ignore the actual pleasure that people get from those things
Gabe: i love a good sequel!
Kelly: Sure but when is the last time you saw a good sequel?
Kelly: “hangover 2″
Gabe: and actually, i will say this, too: everyone who’s always complaining about how there are too many sequels and reboots and not enough original material are the same clowns who LOST THEIR PANTS last week when Will Ferrel said they were making Anchorman 3
Kelly: Are they, Gabe? ARE THEY?
Kelly: But I don’t really think that people complain about sequels
Kelly: Or, I should say
Kelly: The majority of people
Gabe: not real people
Gabe: right, no
Kelly: Because there are people who complain about everything
Gabe: human beings don’t
Gabe: just BLOGGERS or whatever
Gabe: but it is a confusing argument on both sides
Gabe: like, i totally understand why Hollywood makes sequels: because they tend to make a ton of money and Hollywood is a business
Gabe: but you can also make fun, really good and interesting stuff for much less money
Gabe: and that is obviously, to people like you and I, totally worth it
Gabe: and you don’t have to spend $250 million John Carter style
Gabe: but even John Carter is confusing to me
Kelly: I think John Carter is confusing to everyone
Gabe: for example, did you know that between the domestic and foreign box office
Kelly: It made $10?
Gabe: John Carter has already earned back its exorbitant production cost?
Gabe: it made $250 million
Kelly: No way, really?
Kelly: I actually did NOT know that!
Gabe: but it’s considered one of the greatest flops of all time
Gabe: so, i am just confused
Gabe: like, how does that work?
Gabe: i understand that i was the only one who saw it in the theater (true story, there was no one there)
Gabe: but from an economic standpoint
Gabe: it’s at the very least a wash
Kelly: Yeah that’s not too bad at all, congratulations to John Carter.
Kelly: Especially with that information, I have no idea how it all works.
Gabe: the other thing, though, is that it’s actually probably not even close to as big of a problem as people like to complain that it is
Gabe: culturally speaking
Gabe: like, America likes tons of stupid, bad shit
Gabe: that’s just how it goes
Gabe: and we still got to watch Drive last year
Gabe: and The Trip
Kelly: Ugh, The Trip
Gabe: The Trip was wonderful
Gabe: don’t be an IDIOT
Kelly: Let’s not even get started on The Trip, Gabe.
Gabe: ugh, i can already tell this is going to be
Gabe: You Can Count On Me all over again!
Kelly: Oh and do NOT even get me started on You Can Count On Me and how genuine and wonderful and not full of impressions for what feels like 6 hours it is
Gabe: there, are you happy now?
Kelly: phew, yes thank you
Kelly: But anyway yes, you’re right
Kelly: There are always good movies
Kelly: And even more than that, there are always small, bad movies
Gabe: no joke
Gabe: so many terrible passion projects
Kelly: And those terrible passion projects are probably more often worse than their terrible big-budget film counterparts
Kelly: If only because we expect more from them
Kelly: So what are we even complaining about
Gabe: and because we donated to their kickstarters
Gabe: just kidding
Kelly: So does all of this mean that you DO want to see Titanic 3D this weekend?
Gabe: I TOLD YOU EVERYONE ALREADY SAW IT, KELLY, LET IT GO