This week, we begin with Lori up in heaven. She meets Albert Einstein and Beethoven! “Hey, Lori,” God says, “sorry about all those zombies. We had kind of a mix up at the front office.” Lori’s eyes open wide. “George Burns?!” she says. George Burns winks. George Burns was God the whole time! Oh shoot. Lori isn’t dead at all. WOMP WOMP TROMBONE. She’s sprawled out at the bottom of her flipped over car and apparently has been for hours because it’s night now. A zombie is trying to get in there and eat her up through the hole that her head made in the windshield. It doesn’t even notice that the broken glass is stripping its rotten skin from its skull face. Come on, dude. Notice. You’re being gross. Lori lets out a weird scream and makes her “scared” face which is honestly not that different from her “normal” face. Ugh, Lori’s face is just the worst. Always. Anyway, she tries to get out of the car but that’s not working and the zombie pulls her hair and you know how Lori gets about her hair, so eventually she finds a screwdriver or something equally unlikely but convenient but not as convenient as the gun that it will turn out was right next to her the whole time and she backhands the screwdriver through the zombie’s eye socket? If I was making an infomercial about killing zombies this would definitely be in the flickery, black and white “there’s got 2 be a better way!” portion of the infomercial. She wriggles out of the car and oh no there is another zombie and this time she sees a gun lying right there and gets the gun and shoots the zombie in the face. Sure. One has to wonder if it wouldn’t have made for better television and a better show in general if the zombies had just killed and eaten Lori out there on the road, but I guess we need to see her get in her one millionth fight with Shane soon and THEN can we kill her off? After we hit this wonderful benchmark? (My memoir is going to be called This Wonderful Benchmark.)
Back at the bar, we pick up where we left off, with Rick having just shot those two guys. This feels like a little bit of revisionist history? If I remember last week’s episode, and I feel like I do, because it was ONLY LAST WEEK, the entire bar scene played out in the greasy half-light of a late summer afternoon. But now all of a sudden it’s pitch black? Sure. That is literally the LEAST of the problems with this show, so let’s not even worry about it. Grimes and Glenn and Herschel pick through the dead men’s pockets for some shotgun shells and old tissues and a piece of gum with no wrapper and a Canadian nickel and it’s time to head back to the barn except UH OH there are people outside. Everyone get down! Everyone gets down. It’s a very lucky thing that Grimes and Friends saw the car lights when they did, because otherwise they never would have even known that there was an ambush waiting for them outside oh wait just kidding yes they would because holy moly do these other dudes love to shout their every thought and intention. Here is my impersonation of this scene:
“SHHH. THERE IS OUR FRIENDS’ CAR. CAREFUL, THERE ARE ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO LOUD NOISES SIMILAR TO THE ONES THAT WE ARE MAKING. IS ANYONE IN THIS BAR? HELLO? SHUT UP, MAN, WHAT IF SOMEONE DANGEROUS IS INSIDE. DO YOU HAVE TO EAT THOSE DORITOS SO LOUDLY? YOU KNOW I LOVE DORITOS! THAT WAS A GOOD POINT YOU MADE ABOUT DANGEROUS PEOPLE BEING IN THE BAR SO WHY DON’T YOU STAND RIGHT HERE AND I WILL STAND RIGHT THERE AND WE WILL SNEAK UP ON THEM BUT FIRST WE WILL SHOUT AT THEM AND THEN WE WILL SNEAK UP ON THEM. HELLO? WE ARE LOOKING FOR OUR FRIENDS BUT IF OUR FRIENDS ARE HURT WE WILL SHOOT YOU SO WE WANT TO MAKE VERY SURE THAT YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE AT ALL TIMES. DID YOU WATCH THE GRAMMYS? DID YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD TRIBUTE TO WHITNEY HOUSTON CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF TIME THEY HAD OR DID NOT HAVE TO PREPARE? WAS THAT QUESTION DIRECTED AT ME OR THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR? THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR. HELLO?”
When they say that they are looking for their friends, the camera literally pans between the dead bodies. OOOOOHHHHH, THOOOOOOOSE FRIENDS. Yoops! The show seems to be suggesting that they’re in a pickle BECAUSE they killed those two dudes, but in reality if they HADN’T killed those two dudes then they would definitely be surrounded and taken prisoner and forced to lead everyone to the farm. So it’s actually kind of a false predicament. But no one ever said this show was good or made sense or was well written or had any internal logic whatsoever.
No one says a word and then Grimes just tells them everything. UGH, GRIMES. Herschel makes the correct face:
Grimes seems to be under the impression that the middle of an Apocalyptic wasteland filled with blood-thirsty re-animated corpses is the appropriate time to argue with people rationally about the absurd and hopeless cycle of violence. It’s weird how that doesn’t work. Considering how they just get in a gunfight anyway, they miiiiiight have wanted to hold onto the slight advantage that they had in knowing where the other people were without giving away their position. No? Want to have some kind of rhetorical argument through the doorway in the middle of the night with so much panic and fear on the air that you can actually taste it? Let me know how that goes, Grimes. Everyone opens fire. Aww. So weird! Can’t believe they didn’t listen to Grimes’s boring speech!
Meanwhile, back at the farm, everyone is sitting down to dinner when they realize that Lori is missing. Haha. “I thought it was delightfully quiet and gas-face free around here.” Shane decides to go after her. Hopefully he will get waylaid on the way to get Lori who was waylaid on the way to get Grimes so T-Boz will have to go after Shane and he will get waylaid and one by one until everyone’s just gone. Where did they go? Who cares.
There is a whole thing between Darryl and Sophia’s mom that I don’t even want to get into. The only thing I’ll say about it is that Darryl’s kind of right, all Sophia’s mom DID have to do was keep an eye on Sophia. She seriously wasn’t in charge of anything, although I guess she did do laundry in the quarry that one time, but even then she had four other women helping her.
Shane finds Lori’s flipped over car and then two minutes later he finds her. The whole Lori plotline is so drawn out and made to seem dramatic, but when you actually think about it, it’s almost comical how much of a non-starter it was. Like, let’s recap: last week she drove two feet and flipped her car over. This week, she is pretty much uninjured, escapes a couple of zombies with very little trouble really, and then is immediately rescued by Shane and brought back to the farmhouse. So, a big nothing. Just like this whole show! Shane shines a flashlight in Lori’s eyes…to make sure…she’s OK?
Hahaha. Good job, Shane. Very helpful. At first Lori doesn’t want to go back to the farmhouse because she needs to find Grimes. Does she? I still don’t understand why she thinks she needs to find Grimes. Like, if he was OK, he’d be back at the farmhouse. And if he’s not OK, I’m not sure what a bruised-faced Lori ON FOOT is going to be able to accomplish? But Shane lies to her and says they’re all back safe. She is relieved. For two minutes. Until they get back and it turns out Shane lied. And then she returns to her natural pissed state. As they say, Lori’s face always finds its level. Shane explains that he had to lie to her to protect the baby and everyone’s like “WHAT BABY?!” and again, I remind everyone, YOU LIVE IN A WORLD OF ZOMBIES NOW SO MAYBE RELAX ON THE GOSSIP QUEEN ATTITUDES. Honest to God, if the world was overrun with zombies and someone let it slip that they were pregnant I wouldn’t even hear them over the sound of my fist smashing a rock repeatedly into a can of peaches because who cares about your stupid fucking zombie-bait baby when I’m about to eat delicious peaches if I can just get this can open?!
Grimes and Herschel and Glenn are trying to find an escape route from the bar because it’s all like PEW PEW PEW! Grimes tells Glenn to escape out the back and make a run for the car. Uh, cool, thanks, Grimes. “Can I?” Glenn says excitedly. “Can I run into a hail of gunfire while you just stand here?” It seems like everyone is always suggesting that Glenn get himself killed, which I totally understand, but then it’s like what about Andrea? Or Carl? Why can’t they be told to run into bullets? Glenn goes to the back of the bar, which is a very spooky art studio or something. Seriously, what kind of small town bar has a giant hangar space in the back? Normal. I’m pretty sure that was where Gabe Liedman, Max Silvestri, and Jenny Slate hosted Big Terrific before the world ended. Grimes tells Herschel to go after Glenn. WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE? You guys could all just make a run for it? Herschel does a thing that people in TV and movies do which is called Silently Sneak Up On Someone Who Is Freaking Out And Holding A Gun and then Act Surprised and a Little Mad When They Almost Shoot You. How about just whispering “Glenn, it’s Herschel, don’t shoot me in the fucking face.” Herschel was all like this:
But then he was all like:
The way Herschel holds a gun is hilarious. Relax, Herschel. I feel like the actor who plays Herschel insisted that he be allowed to hold the gun that way and the director told him he wasn’t allowed to because it was too stupid but he just did it anyway and pretended like his hearing aid was turned off. It’s so silly. I’m not sure I’m making it clear just how ridiculous it is what Herschel is doing with his gun. Some stuff happens. A guy falls down. Glenn hides in a dumpster, Never Ending Story style. One of the “bad” guys gets his mouth eaten off by zombies. (It’s funny how these are the bad guys even though Grimes just killed their friends. Next week, on a very special episode of The Walking Dead: “There are two sides to every story. Also: Glenn is molested by a neighbor.”) Another guy falls off a roof and gets impaled on a fence. Jesus, guys, GET IT TOGETHER. Cool rescue party. The one remaining dude takes off and leaves his buddy for dead because there are zombies everywhere. Grimes doesn’t want to leave him. Even Herschel is just like “shoot him in the head and let’s go home.” Grime insists on amputating his leg. This is really THE FINAL STRAW as far as Grimes is concerned because even for Grimes this is indefensible. The dude is going to bleed out, a DOCTOR SAID SO. There are zombies coming in from all sides. All they have to perform the surgery is a bacteria stained hunting knife. PUT THE DUDE OUT OF HIS MISERY.
Back at the farm, Carl is saying a bunch of dumb shit about how his mom is pregnant. It’s so dumb. “Big brother Carl, that sounds pretty cool.” No, it doesn’t. What are you talking about, Carl?
Shane wants a moment alone with Lori. Everyone’s like, hey, how about you chill for TWO MINUTES but Shane insists, and Lori kicks everyone out of the room. This is when Shane delivers one of the most incredible “True Love” speeches ever delivered in the herstory of entertainment:
Shane argues that the affair he had with Lori wasn’t just an act of terror and desperation, but that it was “good” and “right.” And that it was “a long time coming.” Right. They just needed a global extermination event to finally bring these two lovebirds together. “We all saw it before you did, Lori!” say the zombies in unison. Damn, it is some sad ass shit when the only meaningful relationship you’ve ever had was with a grieving woman in the midst of a living nightmare. I know relationships are complicated and love is difficult to hold on to, and we’re all just trying to find connection in this mixed up world, but I guess what I’m trying to say is if Shane really believes that what he had with Lori was a “good thing” then he should “kill himself.”
Sidenote: what’s this all about?
Hahahha. Really? I’m not surprised to see a graduation photo from 1902 in a rickety old farmhouse, maybe on a mantle or on top of a dresser, but a gigantic portrait sized print framed right on the stairway? Cool. “I want to look at that graduation photo 10 times a day for 200 years.”
In the morning, the gang is gearing up to go find Grimes and Glenn and Herschel when a truck pulls up with Grimes and Glenn and Herschel and Randall. Oh good. There is more arguing about who keeps the camp more safe, Grimes or Shane, which is always a silly argument because it presupposes that the camp is safe in the first place. Shane and Andrea are mad about this whole Randall business, and I don’t totally blame them. That was some bullshit. But their argument is that once Randall is feeling better and sent on his way, he’s just going to go find his people and bring them back to the farm and that’s going to “start a war.” Haha. Oh, clever The Walking Dead writers. You see, now when that is exactly what happens, people will think “Shane was right!” when in reality Shane simply named a kind of complicated and unlikely interpretation of events. The guy could get eaten by zombies on the road. The guy’s people might have left. Or maybe he would find them and not remember where the farm was. Or the guy’s people could find the farm on their own, it is a farm after all. The point is that it’s not inevitable that bringing this guy back to the farm is going to “start a war” whatever THAT even means. But I’m so excited for this war everyone keeps talking about! Just kidding, I already hate it and find it boring and poorly done.
Herschel yells at Shane. Glenn yells at Maggie. Dale makes a Dale face. Shane wants to elope with Andrea. Maggie tells a story about birth control and a horse and swimming. Grimes takes his shirt off and throws it at the camera. Lori takes her shirt off and presses into Grimes. EW, DON’T HAVE SEX! Oh phew, they don’t. Lori tells Grimes that Shane is dangerous, which we know, because everyone keeps saying it out loud. She says Shane is going to kill Grimes to “protect what he thinks is his” just like how Grimes killed those complete strangers in a bar because they were assholes and peed everywhere and made threats and pulled guns on him. Perfect analogy I’m sure. That is the word I would most use to describe this show every time: perfect. Grimes makes his “serious” face:
Fade to blah.