The State Of The Union Drinking Game

Tonight is Barack Obama’s last State of the Union address for his first term in office, and possibly his last State of the Union address ever if Mr. Doubtfire (Gingrich) or Robo-Prez 5000 (Romney) or John Grisham’s The Racist (Santorum) or Child Dressed for a Funeral (Paul) manages to eke out a win in the fall. Good luck to all of the creeps! Anyway, you gonna watch this speech? If last night’s Florida debate is any indication, he’s going to be talking a lot about NASA and Terri Schiavo. You know, the things that matter to normal Americans. (Personally am I looking forward to his promise that he will use his second term to create a constitutional amendment banning invitations to join Linked In.) But, so, wait, you didn’t answer the question: are you gonna watch this guy’s TED Conference Keynote address? You should watch it! Amistad dumped all the tea in the river so that we could watch it! OK, good, I’m glad you’re going to watch it. And while you do, here’s a drinking game for you to play:

Drink every time:

  • Barack Obama vows to use his second term and the full weight of the executive branch to federally outlaw Linked In invites.
  • Obama sings a few bars of LMFAO’s “Party Anthem.”
  • Something something Nancy Pelosi’s face/eyes.
  • John Boehner looks so grumpy about a thing.
  • Barack Obama addresses an issue you didn’t realize was an issue. Like, federal funding for swimming pool lifeguard training, or increased exploration of the medical uses of breakfast cereal.
  • A Supreme Court Justice folds its hands quietly.
  • A special guest is introduced in the balcony and you’re like “Who?”
  • The Republicans refuse to applaud out of party loyalty, which sometimes makes sense, but in this case is something like Barack Obama being like, “we need to stop shooting children in the face,” and it’s like, no, nothing?
  • Soy Bomb rushes the stage.
  • All of the world’s problems are solved and it turns out we’d been living in a Utopian paradise the whole time.

A State of the Union drinking game is so appropriate and mature. It’s basically a civic duty at this point, I’m sure.