A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Bristol Palin Is Leaving Hollywood

Gabe: hey
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Well, I have some bad news.
Gabe: ok hold on
Gabe disconnected.
Gabe reconnected.
Gabe: Keep holding.
Kelly: I am holding.
Gabe: i’m waiting for time to pass
Gabe: and for the tide to change
Gabe: i’m just not sure i can deal with any bad news right now
Kelly: One thing you have to understand though
Gabe: are you holding?
Kelly: Yeah I’m holding.
Gabe: just keep holding
Kelly: Is that you can’t outrun bad news
Gabe: fine, what is it?
Kelly: You know how you were really excited about the career of up-and-coming Hollywood starlet Bristol Palin?
Gabe: so wait
Gabe: you have bad news
Gabe: but first i have to play a guessing game?
Gabe: i have to WIN my bad news?
Kelly: It’s not a guessing game it’s a yes or no
Kelly: And moreover a rhetorical yes or no
Kelly: Because OF COURSE you remember
Kelly: So, I’m sorry, because she is moving back to Alaska.

Gabe: also, i am actually not sure
Gabe: that i understand
Gabe: what you just said
Gabe: you really took the scenic route on this bad news
Gabe: i actually feel like this news is old now, for how long you took to explain what it was
Kelly: Well you did make me hold on for about 45 minutes
Kelly: But Bristol Palin was on Dancing With the Stars and decided she wanted to be a Hollywood actress
Gabe: you got to start somewhere
Kelly: So she bought a home in Arizona, naturally
Kelly: But now she’s back in Alaska because she doesn’t want to be a Hollywood actress anymore.
Kelly: And you are super upset about it
Gabe: now who will make miserable cameos on ABC Family shows no one has ever heard of?
Gabe: well, obviously, Hollywood loses an immense talent
Gabe: but i’m sure Alaska is excited to have their Favorite Daughter back
Gabe: The Pride of Alaska
Gabe: that is what all the license plates with her face on them say

Kelly: You’re right. I guess there are two sides to every story.
Kelly: Now all of the girls in Alaska have someone to look up to again.
Gabe: haha yeah
Kelly: Their own royal whatever her name is [Ed. Note: Kate Middleton]
Gabe: i find it very powerful
Gabe: of her
Gabe: and courageous
Gabe: to decide that she’s not into Hollywood
Gabe: considering how badly Hollywood wanted HER
Kelly: Hahah I know
Kelly: To throw all of it away
Kelly: Just to go back home.
Gabe: is she taking her baby with her? or is the baby staying in Hollywood?
Kelly: Well to be fair she did only buy a house in Arizona rather than anywhere in California so I think the baby will probably stay in Arizona
Kelly: It made friends, it has a home there, why tear the baby away.
Gabe: thank you for being fair
Gabe: it is very cool of you to be so fair
Kelly: Well you’re not going to leave a baby by itself in California
Gabe: is there anyone more wonderful and talented than Bristol Palin and do we please get to keep talking about her forever?
Kelly: Both no. Our beautiful Hollywood princess is out of our lives forever now.
Gabe: sad day for America
Kelly: contiguous USA at least
Kelly: and Hawaii
Gabe: at least we will always have that season of Dancing with the Stars
Gabe: she can’t take that away from us
Gabe: no matter how hard we might wish that she would