The Worst People Of 2011
The Worst People of the Year list is always a hard one to put together because there are so many options! Where do you draw the line?! Eventually you have to just put your pencil down and say enough is enough. We’ve done the best we could trying to catalog all of the worst offenders, but we know we definitely missed a few, and hopefully God will take care of them for us. We’re only human and we have our own lives to lead. We can’t be forever consumed by making sure our list is entirely exhaustive because that would be an impossible task. But boy oh boy are there some stinkers in this world. Get out of here, stinkers! You stink! You stink so much! After the jump, the Worst People of 2011:
Gwyneth is a member of the Old Guard when it comes to the Worst People List, but there’s a reason: she earns her spot each and every year. This year she kicked things off right out of the fucking gate with her bonkers advice to struggling mothers, she put out an Emmys “scrapbook” that was as boring as it was self-aggrandizing, and who could forget when she heroically SAVED LIVES ON 9/11 by not hitting people with her SUV. Finally, of course, there was the launch of the Goop iPhone app. Congrats, Gwyneth. Can’t wait to see you in 2012!
Wha happen?! There was a time not that long ago when Ricky Gervais was someone many of us respected and admired for creating one of the most brilliant TV comedies ever. Extras. Just kidding. But The Office was incredible! No duh! Extras wasn’t that good, but he was still trying. We are even fans of the animated Ricky Gervais show on HBO. But holy moly did he demolish any shred of his credibility or likability this year. (There were warning signs, like that movie he made that one time, and his first year hosting the Golden Globes, so maybe it’s our fault for not paying attention.) Between his insufferable and condescending rants about God to his disgusting display of stupidity in regards to his straight-forwardly bone-headed “retard” jokes on Twitter, to his miserable performance at this year’s Golden Globes that he thinks was controversial but was simply unfunny, the guy seemed like he was on a mission to make everyone hate him, and he basically succeeded! His only saving grace was being somehow involved in that incredible clip of Liam Neeson, but all credit goes to Neeson on that one, nice try, Gervais. You retard. (See you here again in 2012, I’m sure, Ricky!)
Chris Brown’s banner year was 2009, obviously, and he laid very low in 2010, something he should have continued to do for the rest of his life. But he emerged once more in 2011, and it turns out the dude is a bigger piece of shit than ever! You’re welcome to separate the artist’s life from his work as much as you want, and we don’t care if he has some hit songs on the radio–business is business and the kid sells records. (The fact that there’s a market for it is its own discussion, but it’s a boring one.) But when he had a violent outburst following a completely acceptable and wholly appropriate question about his discomforting past and trashed a Good Morning America dressing room only to have the producers do some kind of weird inverted apology to HIM, it’s just, like, come on, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THIS GUY! What a horrible asshole! (Who makes others look horrible for putting up with it!) Enough. Squash it. Squash him.
Even though his movies are often built out of one-sided tautological arguments and feature way more footage of Michael Moore than any rational discussion of [insert genuinely important social issue here] would ever require, the dude’s heart is clearly in the right place and he’s working towards the better good. But in the wake of Occupy Wall Street, his weird, public, flop-sweat-soaked disengagement from his own personal wealth was painful to watch, and a distraction from what we should have actually be talking about (evil ATM machines, I think?). Why couldn’t the guy just admit that he was very rich, but that he’d earned his money by trying to make the world a better place, and that he would continue to do so despite the economic distance he’d put between his blue collar origins and his Hollywood celebrity? You are allowed to be rich AND care about other people, and if more people were like that, the world would be a better place. He actually missed a great opportunity to set an example for other rich people by trying to lie about his bank account. Boo!
Whoever Cheered When Rick Perry Bragged About How Many People He’d Executed
Earlier this year, during one of the many republican presidential primary debates, moderator Brian Williams tried to ask candidate Rick Perry about the moral implications of having overseen as governor of Texas a record number of executions of other human beings (234 human beings!) and whether or not this ever gave him pause, but before he could even get the question out, the audience ERUPTED INTO APPLAUSE! Eek! Eventually, Rick Perry did go on to say this number gave him no trouble whatsoever, and wore it as a badge of honor. Cool. Cool guy. (Coolest guy?) That’s gross of Rick Perry to do, but he’s a conservative politician in a race that demands conservative bona fides to be proven, so even if the man were up all night biting his nails and wondering at the weight he was placing on his soul by taking on such a responsibility, he’s not going to tell US that. But the people in the audience who were elated at the simple statement that 234 people had been murdered by the state is disgusting, and horrifying, and unacceptable. Shame on those people. I hope they die.
This is a difficult thing to say, but it’s possible that some of us kind of really like the show Millionaire Matchmaker. It’s possible that some of us even said at one point during the past season, “I like how this show is an hour because after half an hour you’re like, ‘This has been great, but I NEED MORE’ and then you get more!” But, those of us who may be very familiar with this show were kind of surprised when those of us who don’t finally realized the absolute nightmare that is Patti Stanger. (And then kept realizing it.) Like, uhh, yeah of course she said terrible things about Jewish people and gay people. She also says terrible things about women and, like, MOST DEFINITELY black people, though we don’t have any info to back that statement up right now. She is a terrible human! And she doesn’t believe that curly-haired women will ever get a man. And she has a terrible handmotion that she does every episode that means…actually, nevermind. It means no oral or regular or anal sex before monogamy. GROSS! Ugh, gross, keep your hand to yourself. She is the worst! She has a wonderful television show that is a total transparently produced fake-y train wreck every week, but she is a despicable human and it’s nice that everybody knows that now, in 2011.
Hank Williams Jr.
For some reason, there isn’t one coming to mind right now but I’m sure it’s out there, we hadn’t talked about Hank Williams Jr. at all before this year. WHAAAAAAAAAT? Who knows. Some things just fall through the cracks. So it was at least MIDLY surprising to find out how crazy of a person he was! Want to watch him on Fox & Friends talking about how Obama is like Hitler and he and Biden are like the Three Stooges again? Why not. Let’s watch it. And then if you want you can re-watch him not apologizing on the View. Hahaha, ooohhh, jeeze. We didn’t know you very well before, Hank Williams Jr., but it’s nice to know you’re out there, somewhere, being the worst. And NOT asking us if we are ready for some football, which we are not.
Certainly almost the entire group of GOP hopefuls could be considered for the “worse people of 2011,” but there is something about Rick Santorum — be it his face, or the way he speaks, or the gross, uninformed, nonsense hateful things that come out of his mouth — that really stuck out to us in 2011. He hasn’t gotten the appropriate amount of heat for how awful he is, we think, because there is no way he is going to be the republican presidential candidate. Which is fine. No one cares about Rick Stantorum at this point except for us, right now, talking about how he consistently uses the bible to defend his bigotry, wants to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to take away the special privilege (?) gay people are currently receiving in the military, and has a face that you JUST HATE SO MUCH! Ugh, goodness that guy. Just the worst guy.
Although Brett Ratner has never seemed to us like anything other than a sweaty gross jerk, 2011 seemed to be the year that it ALL came down for him. First he was going to produce the Oscars, then Eddie Murphy was going to host the Oscars, then he said rehearsing was for fags and something disparaging about having sex with Oliva Munn, then he dropped out of producing the Oscars, then Eddie Murphy dropped out of hosting them, and mixed in there at some point was a story about masturbating with shrimp cocktail or something? GROSS! Gross, Brett Ratner. We didn’t like you before and we don’t like you now!
Oh speaking of gross, BOOOOOOO JIM CARREY! How dare you send an inappropriate video to Emma Stone saying that if you guys could do it it would be amazing, and subsequently ruin your entire career for the rest of us! WHAT IF SOME OF US LIKED SOME OF YOUR MOVIES? And now those same people can’t even hear your name without thinking of your gross old brain? One time a friend had a VHS of some movie and one of the quotes on the cover was that the lead actor was “As funny as Jim Carrey!” THAT WAS THE ACCOLADE! Now look at you. Trying to explain yourself, saying it was a comical love letter? Boo. Gross. Yuck!