Who Is The UNCOOLEST Person Of The Year?

By Gabe Delahaye / December 15, 2011

Joel Stein, writing for Time magazine, has declared Ryan Gosling the “Coolest Person of the Year.” Good point, Joel Stein. He started awarding this incredible prize last year in reaction to the “dorks” (his word) that the editors of Time were always choosing as Person of the Year. Again, good point, Joel Stein. Adds Stein about this year’s winner:

Our first choice was the members of SEAL Team 6, who seem insanely badass. But they are also very secretive, and there is the slim chance that one of the 24 who raided Osama bin Laden’s mansion does something totally uncool like that Borat high-five thing. We also rejected Melissa McCarthy (too energetic), Julian Assange (too 2010) and Zach Galifianakis (too beardy).

So the 2011 Coolest Person of the Year is a man who is tough but emotional. A movie star who broke up a fight on the streets of Manhattan and was also caught walking down a Manhattan street playing a Strumstick, which is like a ukulele only ukulelier. An Oscar nominee who also smokes, tags graffiti and has a predilection for posing with a fist to the camera but makes dioramas and takes public ballet classes alongside little girls too. He’s the only actor since Andy Kaufman to work as a waiter after making it in show business. One who has a rock band that spent a month accompanying a children’s marionette show in Los Angeles. He is a man who caused a protest outside our very own Time & Life Building when People magazine chose Bradley Cooper instead of him as the Sexiest Man Alive. I doubt Cooper is cool enough that his fans would object to his loss of Coolest Person of the Year by protesting in front of our building and blocking foot traffic with an annoying publicity swarm (Sixth Avenue and 50th Street, northwest corner most visible).

In your face, Seal Team Six! It’s true that Ryan Gosling has had quite a year. And this award definitely seems very legitimate and meaningful, especially because it definitely sounds like Joel Stein knows what is and is not cool and is a good person to be in charge of calling things that. But just as he introduced the Coolest Person of the Year award in response to the Person of the Year award, we are introducing the Uncoolest Person of the Year award in response to both. WHO WAS IT? Yin and yang, light and dark, sweet and sour, cool and uncool. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! The winner will receive NOTHING because they SUCK! Hahhaha. GOTCHA. Post your nominees in the comments. Winner will be selected at random, because that’s lame. Fun. 2012. Losers. Glee. Kindle Fire. Goodnight!