The Perfect Crime: Holiday Lawn Decorations Heist

Gabe Delahaye | December 13, 2011 - 2:00 pm

You can’t just go out and commit the perfect crime. It takes days, weeks, months, maybe years of strategic planning. You have to track people’s every day movements until they’re more familiar than your own. You have to plan escape routes, contingency plans, alibis. A perfect criminal’s life is often a lonely one because you cannot form any personal attachments. Personal attachments will make you second-guess yourself. Personal attachments can be used against you. No, the perfect criminal putting together the perfect crime must be sharp, focused, and cold-blooded. That way, when you drive by your neighbor’s house in the middle of the night and steal their inflatable Christmas decorations including an inflatable Christmas Eeyore (?!) and a very festive Mickey Mouse on a horse (?!?!?!?!) right in front of your neighbor’s home security camera and then drive less than a block away and put the decorations up on your own lawn, it goes off without a hitch and two days later you’re drinking margaritas on the front lawn and making plans to finally go straight, maybe fix up that 10-speed bike you found in the trash. The easy life, for sure, because you earned it, because you’re a mastermind and a goddamned genius. Wait, they arrested you? BUT HOW?!

Oh, Florida. That should be Florida’s new slogan on their license plates and tourist souvenirs. “Oh, Florida.” And a picture of a pelican smoking a cigarette with its wings in handcuffs. “The Nick Nolte of states!” (Via Dlisted.)