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Duh Aficionado Magazine: Charlize Theron Was NOT Bullied In School

By Gabe Delahaye / November 28, 2011 - 5:45 pm

Charlize Theron is beautiful and a famous actress. Good for her. But, in the run up to her new movie, From The Mind Of Diablo Cody’s Young Adult, she now also enters into that Elite Pantheon of beautiful, successful people who try to claim that there was a time when they weren’t beautiful or successful. It’s always a weird thing for these people to do, because it falls so flat and does not make them relatable, but it DOES make them seem like delusional assholes who do not know what life is actually like for human beings. From the NY Daily News:

“I actually got a lot of the mean girl stuff from the ages of 7 to 12,” she told People magazine. “I was pretty much a mess in primary school. But I got that out of my system by the time I got to high school and was more immune to all of that stuff.”

Right, OK, so just to clarify: Charlize Theron was not incredibly beautiful and successful BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7 AND 12. Must have been rough. Sounds like a real fucking nightmare. She is the 99%. She puts her pants on just like the rest of us, from 7 to 12. What else, Charlize Theron? You poor soul?

Theron, who gets the chance to see things from the other side as a reformed mean girl in this winter’s “Young Actress,” claims it took her a while to grow into her looks, almost painfully so.

“I wore really nerdy glasses because I was blind as could be and the boys didn’t like ,” she said. “I didn’t have any boyfriends, but lots of crushes.”

First of all, New York Daily News, Charlize Theron doesn’t “get the chance to see things from the other side.” She gets to see things from exactly the same side. She is basically playing herself. She is literally a beautiful woman who is probably kind of mean in person pretending to be a beautiful woman who is definitely mean in person. But also, just to clarify, Charlize Theron wasn’t always beautiful and popular and successful because SHE DIDN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND AT THE AGE OF 7. Got it. Dan Savage is working on a video for her as we speak. And also this:

“I wasn’t in the popular crowd,” the stunner, 36, said of her growing pains. “There was a really popular girl at school and I was obsessed with her. I mean you would go to jail for that stuff today.

“I was in tears one day because I couldn’t sit next to her.”

What? Little girls go to jail today for being obsessed with the popular kids? I don’t think that’s true. Also, you cried one day because you couldn’t sit next to her, which suggests that other days you did get to sit next to her. The story just doesn’t add up, and also I hate the story so much. What a fucking LIAR. What a beautiful, famous, beautiful liar. Someone should make an honest woman out of her. CALL ME, CHARLIZE THERON, LET’S SETTLE THIS AT THE ALTAR!