[Andy Serkis is best known for his motion-capture roles in such movies as The Lord of the Rings, King Kong, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, in which his body movement and facial expressions provide the template for digitally animated creatures. He is very busy. And he might not even actually exist for all we know. So this is a fake interview.]
Videogum: Hello, Andy Serkis!
Andy Serkis: Allo, guv’nah!
VG: Oh, right. You’re British.
VG: A lot of people probably don’t know that because of how you don’t ever have any lines in movies and also are almost kind of not in movies really.
AS: I’m in movies, mate. Loads of big budget Hollywood smashers.
AS: How do you say, euuhhh, in the states?
VG: Now you sound kind of French.
AS: Well this interview is fake, so if my accent isn’t holding up, I would say that’s more your fault, innit?
VG: It was announced in the press today that you just signed up for a series of Planet of the Apes sequels, so congratulations on that.
VG: You were also in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You played Gollum.
AS: Aye, brutha.
VG: Now you’re Desmond from Lost?
AS: Your collection of Britishisms is fairly limited.
AS: At’s awright.
VG: I have a pretty funny story about your performance of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies. Have you heard it?
AS: Have I heard your story?
AS: Uh, no. How would I have heard it?
VG: Hey, who’s interviewing who here, hahahahhahaha.
VG: OK, well, so, my mom works with at risk kids in a low income school district, just, you know, kids who have a lot of drug abuse and violence in their homes, and she does this thing after movies where she is always talking about how any character in the movie we just saw that showed the slightest bit of being unhappy or troubled, or even if they were completely full-blown crazy, reminded her of her kids at school. It’s ridiculous. Every movie. Anyway, she did that one time after we went to the movies. She was like “Oh that one guy reminded me so much of the kids at my school who have borderline personality disorder,” and I was like, “MOM! No. Gollum from Lord of the Rings did not remind you of your kids at school.”
VG: You didn’t like my story.
AS: I think it’s a funny story, but it would be funnier if you found out at the end that she was talking about Gollum. But since you said the story was about Gollum before you even told it I basically knew the punchline way before you ever got there.
VG: Sure. I mean, this isn’t a joke telling workshop.
AS: Oh, so that was a full on joke now?
VG: In Rise of the Planet of the Apes, one of your co-stars was Freida Pinto. True or false?
AS: True. But surely you could have looked that up on IMDB. You didn’t have to bring me all the way down here to–
VG: What is she like?
AS: Freida Pinto.
AS: She’s nice. We didn’t have that many scenes together, really. I met her at the premiere party, she seemed nice.
VG: You know she’s dating Dev Patel, right? They were co-stars in Slumdog Millionaire.
AS: I did know that, yes. I’m not sure how that’s relev–
VG: They both were seeing other people when they started making that movie, and then they fell in love on the set, but you know what they say about relationships that start that way.
VG: You know what they say about relationships that start with cheating?
VG: They end with cheating.
AS: So what?
AS: So what? I don’t get it.
VG: So I’ve still got a shot.
AS: A shot.
VG: You’re kind of dense, Andy Serkis.
AS: What, you’re going to get Freida Pinto to cheat on Dev Patel with you?
VG: d) It is written.
AS: Ugh. You’re the worst.
VG: Look, Andy Serkis, I’m not saying that I’m going to get Freida Pinto to cheat on Dev Patel with me. You said that, not me. What did I just say? Relationships that begin with cheating end with cheating, and what Freida and I are going to have is going to last forever. I’m just saying, life is all about timing, and when it does end, maybe I will just happen to be in the right place at the right time to pick up the pieces. That’s where you come in.
VG: Where is she?
AS: How would I know!
VG: You worked with her, didn’t you? You said you worked with her.
AS: Yes, it is common knowledge that I worked with her. But I don’t know where she is, or whatever you are even asking. What, you’re just going to sit outside of her flat and wait for her relationship to fall apart?
VG: Haha, “flat.” You ARE British.
AS: Yes. I am.
VG: You really don’t know where she is?
AS: What? No.
VG: Hmm. OK. Well thank you for taking the time for this interview, Andy Serkis.
VG: We all look forward to you continuing to not really be in movies.
AS: I’m in movies!
VG: Sorry, we are outta time. This is Videogum signing off!
AS: Signing off what?
Videogum has disconnected.