A Fake Interview With Anderson Cooper
[Anderson Cooper is a successful journalist and a popular television personality who has just started a brand new daytime talk show. With the hectic scheduling that putting together an hour of programming every day entails combined with the difficult work of establishing your voice and presence in a new format, Mr. Cooper has no time to talk with us. This interview with him is a fake interview.]
Videogum: Anderson–may I call you Anderson?
Anderson Cooper: Sure.
VG: Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and talk with us, I know how busy you must be with the new show.
AC: It’s pretty crazy, but as someone who is often on the other side of the interview process–
VG: How do you mean?
AC: Well, I have interviewed plenty of people myself, so I’m just saying I know how rewarding it can be to ask people questions and get to the bottom of a story.
VG: Like what questions do you ask?
AC: It depends on the subject.
VG: What’s a subject?
AC: A subject is the person who you are interviewing.
VG: Why don’t you just call it “the person you are interviewing”?
AC: Well, for one thing, subject is a lot fewer words.
VG: Whoa. You ARE good at this!
AC: Thank you.
VG: So, Anderson, on your new show this week you tried coffee and spinach for the first time.
VG: What the fuck?
AC: Excuse me?
VG: Yeah, what the fuck is up with that?
AC: How do you mean?
VG: Well, for one thing, aren’t you, like, 70?
AC: No. I’m 44.
VG: But your hair is white!
AC: Yes, it is. Clever observation.
VG: Don’t try to flatter your way out of this, Anderson Cooper.
AC: I was being sarcas–
VG: OK, even if you’re only 50–
VG: –years old, it is still weird that you’ve never tried coffee or spinach, don’t you think?
AC: I’m a picky eater, what can I say.
VG: Uh, you can say “I’m going to be an adult and try different things because that is what adults do, and I’m not going to live 50 years on this planet without even tasting super obvious things that everyone knows about.” You could try saying that.
AC: I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m a particularly picky eater and I’d never tried those things. Even if you would have liked me to have tried them before, I hadn’t, so I don’t really know what you–
VG: And you call yourself a journalist.
AC: Yes, sir, I do.
VG: Maybe you should get the scoop on coffee and spinach.
AC: Well in a way you could say that that is exactly what I did when I tried them for the first time on my show.
AC: Now what?
VG: It’s just, I don’t know, it’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think? A whole show about you tasting something you hadn’t tasted before that everyone else has tasted?
AC: Not really. I think it’s a pretty universal experience to be afraid to try new things and it is maybe interesting to see other people face those fears. Maybe it will inspire someone.
VG: You are seriously going to sit there and describe taking a sip of coffee as facing a fear?
VG: Whatever, man.
AC: Let me ask you a question.
VG: Go ahead, you’re the self-proclaimed expert.
AC: Well, I’ve actually made a very decent living with this kind of thing, so I’m not so sure how self-proclaimed it is.
VG: Now you’re just bragging about how much money you make? You are a real piece of work. What’s your question?
AC: You wrote about this segment earlier this week and said a lot of the same things, so I don’t feel like you’re really adding anything new to the conversation. Like, I understand that you didn’t like the segment, and unfortunately not everyone is going to like everything that we do on the show. But why don’t you just get over it and move on? Surely you have better things to do with your time?
VG: Why don’t YOU just get over it and move on? Surely YOU have better things to do with YOUR time!
AC: OK, well, thanks again for inviting me to this interview. I hope it was as interesting for you as it was for me, and please watch my new show!
VG: I won’t.
VG: Coffee is delicious.
VG: Say it.
VG: Say that coffee is delicious.
AC: I won’t say something that I don’t believe to be true.
AC: Now what?
VG: Uh, I think you mean a lie, brainiac. Something that you don’t believe to be true. Hahahaha. You’re so dumb.
AC: I’m so dumb? I’m the one who has a syndicated daytime talk show after years of award-winning cable network journalism and you are the one writing out fake interviews with celebrities on a pop culture blog.
VG: HEY! TAKE IT BACK!
AC: I won’t.
VG: YOU’RE SO MEAN!
AC: You’re mean.
VG: ANDERSON! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
AC: You hurt your feelings. This interview is fake.
VG: Oh right. Shoot. OK. Well, good luck on your new show!