[American actor Nicolas Cage is an international superstar who is currently attending the Toronto Film Festival in support of his new movie Trespass. He doesn’t have, and will never have, time in his busy schedule to sit down for an interview with us. So this interview is FAKE.]
Videogum: Thank you so much for taking the time to do this interview, it’s really incredible to be talking to you.
Nicolas Cage: You’re welcome, I bet it is pretty incredible, I am very famous.
VG: I mean, I’m glad to be interviewing you for sure, but I was mostly just being nice. It’s not “incredible.” I don’t know, the way you responded just seemed really self-absorbed.
NC: [laughs] Hey man! It’s your dime.
NC: It’s your dime, man!
VG: Oh, I heard you. What you said didn’t make any sense.
NC: Alriiiiiighty then.
VG: That’s not even one of your characters.
[Nicolas Cage ignores this comment as he pulls off his wig and refreshes the wig glue on his wig.]
VG: Anyway, Nicolas Cage, there is a story circulating on the Internet today about how you woke up one night to find a naked stranger standing at the foot of your bed wearing your leather jacket and eating a fudgesicle.
NC: Wild stuff. Wild at heart.
VG: Oh brother.
[Apparently, Nicolas Cage did not apply enough wig glue the first time, as he now pulls his wig off again and applies more wig glue.]
VG: Well, that must have been pretty scary.
NC: You have no idea. It’s really awful. After something like that happens, you just can’t shake the feeling of violation it brings.
VG: How could you tell it was a fudgesicle?
NC: Excuse me?
VG: I mean, I’m assuming it was dark if it was the middle of the night. How did you know the guy was eating a fudgesicle?
NC: You never know how you’re going to react in a situation like this until it happens to you.
VG: And you reacted by just knowing for sure it was a fudgesicle even in pitch darkness.
NC: I guess I–
VG: In one of the articles I saw, you were quoted as saying you used “verbal judo” on the intruder.
NC: Yeah, man, well, you know, I just made my voice real powerful and commanding and was just like “What are you doing in my house.”
VG: And that’s “verbal judo”?
VG: That’s ridiculous! Who talks like that?
NC: I guess I do, man.
VG: You know your movies are almost categorically awful, right?
VG: Like, you have made a couple of really good movies: Adaptation, Raising Arizona. You’ve proven that you can do it. But for the most part, I mean, holy moly, just some of the worst movies. One after the other.
NC: What about Snake Eyes? You see Snake Eyes?
VG: That’s one of your worst!
NC: I’m just kidding, man. I know.
[Nicolas Cage gives the thumbs down and makes a fart noise. Then he rubs cocaine into his gums and grins like he’s going to murder everything.]
VG: So, let’s talk about the wigs.
NC: It’s your dime.
VG: Stop saying that. Here is my question: if you’re an internationally famous multi-millionaire–
NC: (Elvis voice) Thank you. Thank you very much.
VG: –that’s not my point. If you’re an internationally famous multi-millionaire, why don’t you get better wigs instead of such awful wigs? Surely you can afford them?
NC: Thank you for that question. That’s a really interesting question. You know, when I was a little boy I always dreamed of being a magician or a sorcerer, which is why getting to do Sorcerer’s Apprentice was so exciting for me.
VG: Is the problem just that you have incredibly bad taste in everything, and wigs are no exception?
NC: Pretty much.
VG: Fair enough. Well, thanks for talking to us, Nicolas Cage, it’s been a real treat.
NC: You’re leaving?
VG: I mean, I don’t have any more questions. I think we’ve got enough.
NC: We can keep talking if you want.
VG: I’m good. Thanks, though.
NC: You sure?
[Videogum has left the room.]
NC: You sure? Where’d he go? He left? Why’d he leave? What is that? Leopard print? Where’d you get it? Give it to me. Who says a man can’t wear a shawl. What even IS a shawl? I smell leather, does anyone else smell leather? Is that guy coming back? HOO-AH!