Vincent Chase is sad because a celebrity profile writer from Vanity Fair rebuffed his gross and lazy advances while trying to DO HER JOB of writing an article about him, which he also found to be unfair because it contained two sentences about his rampant disrespect for women and his view of them as sexual objects which is so obvious that even Turtle at the end of last episode was like “how is this a fucking surprise to you?”. And so, in an effort to rehabilitate his image and to show the world (but not actually the world really, just this one magazine writer) that he is a serious man with a deep well of respect for powerful women, he is…making…a documentary…next to a swimming pool…in which he interviews all his ex-girlfriends…about what they like best about him? WHAT A KEEPER! I really hope this bullshit documentary ends up on his IMDB page. And also is purchased and distributed by HBO’s documentary summer series. Turtle is editing it in iMovie so you know it’s going to be very slick and pro. Johnny Drama and E have their doubts about whether this is a good idea, and then in response, Turtle just says: “it’s classier than it seems.” IS IT? IN WHAT WAY? COULD SOMEONE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW A SELF-FINANCED POOLSIDE DOCUMENTARY ABOUT YOUR FUCK CONQUESTS TO SHOW TO SOMEONE WHO SAID NO IS IN ANY WAY CLASSIER THAN IT SEEMS WHICH IS NOT AT ALL CLASSY? But, of course, as we all know, when Turtle says something, there is no need for explanation. Case Closed. It is classier than it seems.
The documentary does look good, though.
Speaking of things that look good, Johnny Drama is looking GREAT this episode.
Anyway, Turtle has to take off because he’s got a meeting with the Don Peppe’s people about opening a baked clams restaurant in Hollywood. (Over the weekend, I saw an episode of that TLC show about people who win the lottery and there was this woman in Colorado who won 27 million dollars and she and her husband spent three million of it to build a restaurant even though none of them had any restaurant experience, which is insane, and so maybe Turtle’s attempt to simply franchise an already successful chain in a new city is not even that bad of a restaurant idea, just kidding, it’s ridiculous.) Vince offers to help Turtle out, but he insists on “fighting this fight” alone. Huh? I mean, sure, totally, I get it, except that two minutes after this scene, Turtle is on the phone to a series of professional athlete angel investors, so clearly he is not above asking people more famous and wealthy than himself for help? It would be one thing if he was funding the project himself, but he can’t afford to, and he has plenty of other celebrity backers, so why not just let Vince help? It makes no sense. And we have already spent too much time talking about it. He goes to meet the Don Peppe’s people who tell him straight to his face that originally they had only come on the trip to soak him for a free airplane ticket and hotel room, which is very cool and classy and you people are real pieces of shit and I think you’re going to love it here.
They take Turtle to a 1,000,000 seat restaurant that would be “perfect,” and if Turtle doesn’t sign the lease on it, then they won’t bring their restaurant to LA and also they won’t put in a single penny. WHO ARE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES? Seriously, what are they even talking about? What kind of grown adult with a successful New York business still takes people for a ride just for a free trip to LA and then makes weird, completely uninformed business ultimatums? Oh well. It looks like now Turtle won’t ever be able to bring baked clams to Hollywood, not unless some kind of last minute miracle that turns him into a millionaire happens.
Meanwhile, Johnny Drama is getting the run-around from Phil about his Ukrainian mining disaster made-for-TV movie. Come on, Phil! This movie is a home run! Vince calls Ari and is like “Ari?” It turns out that Ari hasn’t read the script yet because he’s been too busy giving the business to Dana, but also Dana read it? Maybe Ari is a terrible agent. Is that the twist ending? At the end of the season it turns out that Ari has been a really horrible agent the whole time?
Dana says that she will see if she can help out with the script because her friend works at the Hallmark Channel. See! Come on, Phil! Johnny Drama + Ukrainian Mining Disaster + Billy Walsh + Hallmark Channel? What’s the matter, too lazy to COUNT ALL THE GOLD? Blah blah blah, script script script. It is actually very hard to determine if the script is good or bad. Like, it makes everyone cry, but they talk about it like it’s a piece of shit? Well then why are you crying? And then Dana says that it will be easy to sell the script but that no one wants Johnny Drama in it, which, well, right. So apparently the script is AMAZZZZZZING. Vince and Ari go to visit Phil personally, and he is getting a massage in his office.
Oh, Hollywood. This show just nails you dead to your rights, I bet. Phil puts on a robe and whines a lot about Drama because he is so upset about the Johnny’s Bananas strike that lasted all of five minutes. Really? He is supposed to be a high-powered Hollywood mogul now who wears bathrobes to business meetings and is best friends with Les Moonves, but he is angry because a total doofus went on strike for two days to get a pay raise and did end up getting a pay raise? What does he even care?! VInce offers to give him 100,000 dollars for some kind of animal charity and now the movie is going to be made at CBS and Johnny Drama is on top of the world. SNORE FART BARF SNORE.
E is still fucking his ex-fiance’s ex-stepmom, which is very crazy and makes no sense. It’s one thing to pretend like he got drunk on a gang of appletinis and made a huge mistake one time, but, like, what the hell is this:
Yuck. And also NO. What? Why? No. He gets a phone call while he is lounging around in this slippery bed from Turtle who has spotted Sloane and Galecki just straight NURSING a couple of carrot juices at the farmer’s market (haha) and E runs right over WITH his new girlfriend, which is, again, very crazy to do. So now everyone is angry. Except for Melinda Clarke who just makes “fuck me” eyes at a basket of organic eggplants or whatever. She don’t care. She wants you inside her. You being a basket of organic eggplants.
Sloane storms off and Galecki fires E. Haha. Oh no! Not Galecki! Back at the office before any of this even happens, Scott Caan is trying to convince E not to make him fire Galecki because they’re about to make a lot of money off of him, which, I’m no businessman, but that makes sense, and actually if you did hate someone why wouldn’t you just at least drain them for as much as you can and THEN tell them to go fuck themselves? At least that is how I see it. (I’m a cutthroat fat cat!) But, in this argument, E tells Scott Caan that if he doesn’t fire Galecki that he will dissolve their partnership and makes some big point about how if he does that then Scott Caan will be totally screwed but I”m really not sure how.
Scott Caan may be the one rooster puffing his chest out in tight silk shirts with nothing underneath, but he is not the one fucking and getting fired by all of their clients? I think Scott Caan is going to do great, and I think E is the one who needs to take a night course in Basic Business Management. (Lesson 1: don’t go screaming at your ex-fiance with her fucked out ex-stepmother in tow at the farmers market in front of one of your clients right before closing the big deal. CLASS DISMISSED!)
Drama drops off the ex-girlfriend documentary at the Conde Nast offices and somehow it actually works? Sophia, the journalist, calls Turtle and sets up a date. Wait, what? ARE THEY ALL GOING TO HAVE A FOUR-WAY? This is a disgusting love square. Sophia says that she actually liked Vince, she just never dates celebrities. Huh. That is not really what she has said ever before, but OK.
So the one time she is going to break her rule is when one of them makes a delusionally misguided documentary about his sexual history and has it delivered by Johnny Drama in an Adjustment Bureau hat? Should have thought of that when you tried to date her, Matt Damon. This is also funny:
“Told you we’d get Clooney on Entoruage before the end.” – Doug Ellin
So Drama’s getting his movie and Vince is getting his date, but what about Turtle? He can’t seem to raise the extra money for the Don Peppe’s lease. CURTAINS! To make matters worse, he is watching TMZ out on the sundeck (obvs) and sees a report that Mark Cuban just took his luxury tequila stock public. Hahahhahahahahahahahaha. Remember how Turtle sold all of his luxury tequila stock TWO DAYS AGO, even though Mark Cuban was like “You should really sit on the stock for two more days because we are going to go public and you’ll make a ton of money?” And Turtle was like “No time! Baked clams!” Well that really blew up in his face. What a dummy. He honestly doesn’t deserve to have any money because this whole thing is so dumb. Vince walks in and Turtle apologizes for giving him such bad business advice. “If we hadn’t sold our stock, I would have made four million dollars and you would have made 15 million.” (This must be some tequila!) “I’m so stupid,” Turtle says.
Well, yes. You are stupid, Turtle. You have always been stupid, long before this tequila business. “You’re not stupid,” Vince says. Yes he is, Vince. “You’re smart.” No, Vince, he’s stupid. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have gotten into this tequila thing. And I’m smart for not listening to you.” And then Vince explains that not only did he not sell his stock, which, right, of course, because WHY WOULD ANYONE HAVE DONE THAT, but that he also BOUGHT TURTLE’S STOCK BACK FOR HIM AS A SURPRISE. “Turtle’s a millionaire?” Drama says. Yup. Turtle’s a millionaire now.
HOLY FUCKING HELL. There is no other show in the history of television that would just casually resolve a plotline by using the deus ex machina of someone becoming a millionaire all of a sudden for no good reason. CLASSIC ENTOURAGE. STILL GOT IT! Unbelievable. Oh, also, Ari’s going to go win his wife back (no duh) and Sloane is pregnant (no care).
NEXT WEEK: More of the same!