Remember last week how Sookie and Lafayette got dissaparated by the witch? (Little Harry Potter keywords humor for you keywords-heads.) Well, she just took them inside the store, which is kind of hilarious. Like, you have the magical power to teleport multiple people at the same time, and you just take them inside your strip mall store? This witch seriously lacks imagination. Inside, everyone is still freaking out about the whole, you know, being trapped against their will by an evil spirit thing. Uh, well then maybe you shouldn’t have clipped the Buy One Witch Club Get Second Witch Club At Half-Price coupon out of the Sunday circular. Sookie says that Bill and Eric are going to blow up the store and they all need to get out of there. The witch explains that they aren’t being kept against their will, and that she is just trying to protect everyone, but that they are free to leave whenever they want, and then she throws a bejeweled, ancient dagger onto the floor. “Use that against the vampires.” And then she sing-songs “good luuuuuuu-uuuuuuck,” in a way that is definitely normal and not at all threatening under any circumstances much less coming from an unhinged spirit-monster. As a general the combination of throwing ancient daggers onto the ground and sing-song-ing “good luck” is how the fishermen knew that all was well. Aubrey Plaza from Parks and Recreation screams “fuck you!” and makes it, like, two steps forward before the witch magic flings the knife into her chest and she dies. Hahahhaha. Oh. I guess she was kidding? At least the witch didn’t drag the joke out for too long. What was that? 15 seconds? Perfect. Good one, witch. LOLOL. “Get it, guys?” The witch is like, “Get it?!”
Outside, Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica and Vampire Pam are about to fire a rocket launcher at the witch store. Haha. Perfect strategy. Problem solved. Human Jason Stackhouse runs up and is like “Don’t fire the rocket launcher at the store, Sookie is inside.” Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric are like “RETREAT!” Pam is pissed. “Do not tell me you put our entire species at risk for a gash in a sundress.” Oh Pam. Classic Pam. Gash in a sundress just about does describe it, though. Jason and Vampire Jessica have some kind of Junior High talk about their feelings. Then the mind-controlled vampires come running out and tackle Bill and Eric. Uh oh! (Just kidding, this will be resolved in the very next scene, I promise.)
Meanwhile, Sam is still at the Werewolf Bike Store trying to find out where the pack leader is who “killed” Tommy, which is not really true, but sure. Some combination of skinwalking (SKINWALKING), getting werewolf punched, and then refusing Vampire Medical Treatment is what killed him. But, so, Sam isn’t really getting anywhere because the guy he is pistol-whipping is more of a SASSWOLF, but that is when Sam’s girlfriend comes in and says that the pack leader kidnapped her daughter and now Alcide is like “this isn’t about being in a werewolf pack, this is about right and wrong.” Holy shit how many takes do you think are required for every line of dialogue on this show? I assume 100. Each line of dialogue involves 100 ruined takes where the actor can’t stop laughing and barfing and then finally he squints his eyes real tight and says “this isn’t about being in a werewolf pack, this is about right and wrong.” CUT! PRINT! That’s why they call you 100 Take Tony!
The pack leader, Marcus (haha, what an alpha-name!) is at Alcide’s house fucking Alcide’s drug-addicted girlfriend. Cool. Sounds fun. She explains that she loves Alcide and she can’t be with Marcus. The only thing she can do is secretly fuck Marcus in lingerie while kidnapped children run loose in her house, but nothing more. He says that he can give her the one thing Alcide can’t, which I’m assuming is that he can put her on his health insurance at work, but then he says “children.” Oh. Right. Children. But then he points to his pre-existing daughter that he had with another woman and says “Emma needs a real weremom.” HAHAHAHAHA. I am laughing at “weremom” (not actually in the show, just made it up, but still funny), but I am mostly laughing at the suggestion that the one thing Alcide refuses to give his girlfriend is the chance to raise another woman’s child. “Do you really mean it, Marcus?” The weird thing is apparently that IS what she wants? Is to just kidnap a child and raise her as her own in her lingerie? Oy. The hell with both of these wereidiots.
The 400-year-old witch doesn’t think it’s very cool of Marnie to have killed Aubrey Plaza with that Hammacher & Schlemer World’s Best Letter Opener, so she barfs herself out of Marnie’s mouth and says that she quits. But Marnie casts a binding spell on her and swallows her back up.
Uh, wait a second. This Spanish witch is 400 years old and the source of all of Marnie’s powers, so why can’t she just counter-act the binding spell? How does Marnie win that fight? And once she is bound to her, why does she have to keep helping her? Can’t she just sit in Marnie’s butt or whatever with her ghost arms crossed and refuse to do anything? Similarly, outside, the mind-controlled vampires (which were immediately overpowered and so are basically useless and what is even the point of them?) keep saying things about how great Marnie is and how all the vampires are going to die, but remember when Eric was mind-controlled and was talking normally to Sookie about how he wished he didn’t have to kill Vampire Bill but that’s what he was being commanded to do? So which is it? Does the spell only control your body or does it control your body and your thoughts? THIS SHOW IS SO INFURIATING! Anyway, Jesus says that Aubrey Plaza still has a pulse and he thinks he can save her by carrying her into a broom closet. Good thinking. In reality, she is still dead but he needs her corpse to conjure a bruja spell and cast Antonia out of Marnie’s body. Sure. Do whatever you want. I don’t even care anymore.
Andy Bellefleur fucks a fairy in the graveyard.
Somehow, Sookie convinces Marnie to negotiate with the vampires, so everyone goes outside and Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric demand that the witch let Sookie go and she says she will if the two of them kill themselves. They agree. What? (Oh, also, the forcefield around the store? Yeah, that harnesses the power of the sun so it is deadly to vampires because OF COURSE IT IS AND THIS IS A GOOD SHOW AND THE DETAILS ARE COOL AND MAKE SENSE AND ARE GOOD WRITING.) Like, I know those two idiots like Sookie, but they came to this store to end necromancy forever and now they are both going to sacrifice themselves just to get Sookie out of Witch Jail? It seems like a bad trade, dudes. Get a second opinion. They prepare to shoot each other and it’s supposed to be very intense and emotional but, you know, it isn’t.
Then Pam fires the rocket launcher even though Eric like totes commanded her not to.
The rocket hits the forcefield and explodes in Jason Stackhouse’s face.
Oh jeez. Sookie and the witch walk back inside. The negotiations have failed, I’m sure.
Speaking of negotiations, the little girl who got kidnapped calls her mom and everyone rushes over to Alcide’s house. Sam tells Luna and the baby to wait outside, and then him and Alcide go upstairs to confront Marcus and Debbie. It’s worth pointing out that at no time during this entire situation has Debbie bothered to put on some pants. Like, when a strange woman’s daughter was standing in the doorway to her bedroom, Debbie might as well have been slowly dipping chocolate covered strawberries into her vagina. And now that her boyfriend is home along with a dude she’s never met before she is just like “PANTY RAIIIIIIID!” She sucks. Everyone sucks. Marcus starts taunting Sam about being a pussy, which doesn’t really seem based in anything? “Only a pussy fucks another man’s estranged wife and is upfront and honest about it and makes no attempt to lie or hide his feelings about the situation.” What is this based on, this pussy thing? Anyway, Sam tells Alcide to hold his gun, and then he and Marcus start fist fighting.
It turns out that Sam is WAY BETTER at fist fighting than the leader of a werewolf pack? Right. It just turns out that Sam, whose main talent is turning into a puppy, is very good at demolishing a dude’s face. Ugh. In the writers’ room: “Guys, have we ever included anything in this show to suggest that Sam is good at fighting, much less that he could easily overpower a werewolf who has earned the respect of and leadership over all the other werewolves with his aggression and power? No? Well, no one will notice I’m sure because it is literally the least of this show’s problems at this point.” Good point, make believe writers’ room, let’s just move on. Sam wins the fight and Alcide shoves his girlfriend and then Marcus is about to turn into a werewolf and grab the gun off the ottoman (way to hold the gun, Alcide, what’s wrong, your hand so tired?) so Alcide choke-stabs him to death. R.I.P. Marcus. You were a werewolf who ran too close to the moon. Then Alcide chants the ancient BREAK-UP incantation to Debbie. “I do not hunt with you anymore.” Ouch. Don’t worry, Debbie. There’s plenty more wolves in the forest. You should check out w-date.com, I hear it’s a great way to meet new OOOOOF.
Marnie makes everyone join hands to cast a spell, and even Sookie joins the circle. Huh? Under what circumstances does Sookie believe that the spell that Marnie is going to cast is going to be one that she is cool with? In this case, the spell is to force all the vampires within a 10 foot radius (again with the witch having zero imagination) to walk into the sun shield. Oh no! This is also another case of the actors on this season having to shout “NOOOO!” as their bodies flail around and you start to wonder if maybe they wouldn’t have been better off just being a waiter at Spago with a headful of dreams forever.
Jason MIND PAGES Sookie on her MIND BEEPER that it turns out the spell she is a part of is kind of going to kill her uh boyfriends or you know whatever. She FAIRY BLASTS the circle. Marnie is mad. She casts a spell of CGI FIRE around Sookie.
Hahhaha. Sookie is very scared, even though the fire doesn’t appear to be hurting her mostly because it’s computer animated? She keeps turning in a circle and Marnie is laughing and I really don’t understand what the point of this spell is? If you’re going to burn someone up with magic fucking burn them up, what is the fire waiting for? Just then, Jesus becomes a teenage cutter and puts on his demon mask and the hankerchief catches on fire and now Antonia’s spirit gets to go to heaven. (Oh, first some magic wind blows Marnie’s hair. You always know the magic is a-comin’ when the hair gets all windy.) The sun shield falls down and Bill and Eric run inside. That one noisy dude who was going to die from the very beginning dies. Eric is like: I. DRINK. YOUR. HEARTSHAKE.
Eric and Bill shoot the witch with guns. She dead. Oh, wait. No. Sorry. She mouth rapes Lafayette right before bedtime. Hi, Marnie!
Next week: SEASON FINALE OH THANK YOU SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN!