There are actually a TON of trailers this week, you guys. There’s a new Frieda Pinto movie, a new Underworld movie, a new Daniel Radcliff movie, TWO Nicolas Cage movies, a Gerard Butler movie, and a Roman Polanski movie. (Also a couple other movies I didn’t even mention just now, if you can believe it. Because it’s true!) So let’s just get right to the business:
At first I was like, well this trailer doesn’t really give you much of an idea of what this movie is actually about other than it appears to be a love story, it’s clearly set in India, and apparently it’s a Charlie Kaufman behind-the-scenes spoof of Slumdog Millionaire. But then I was like, UHHHH, all movie trailers should just be close ups of Frieda Pinto smiling and laughing and dancing, what am I even TALKING ABOUT?! This is the best movie trailer I’ve ever seen.
Texas Killing Fields
This looks good. I hope it’s good. The end? I mean, what? Yes. Looks good. Spooky true crime thriller. Sam Worthington. Chloe Moretz. Children in distress. Texas football. Gas stations. Got it. On board. See you soon.
Oh cool. Very exciting to see that Lara Croft has a new adventure! Wait, no, not Lara Croft. Sorry. Alice. Alice from Resident Evil? Argh! Wrong again! It is weird that Underworld is still a thing. Who is making Underworld keep being a thing? It has to be a fair amount of people! For me this just feels like one of those things that parents of teenage children say, where they are like “you blink your eyes and all of a sudden they’re all grown up.” You blink your eyes and suddenly there have been 10 Underworld movies. And much like teenagers, I have no idea what is going on with them and they strike me as juvenile and lazy.
“GET OFF MY WIG!”
“GIVE ME BACK MY WIG!”
Those are two quotes from this movie!
Chris Evans completely baffles me now. Are there two of him? Because the dude in this movie is NOT the dude in Captain America. And I don’t mean because he is such a good actor that he just disappears into his roles. This IS the same dude from Fantastic Four and also the upcoming Ana Farris movie What’s Your Number. Same dude. But the dude in Captain America? COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DUDE! Super weird. Kind of hate it.
The Woman In Black
This is Daniel Radcliffe’s first movie since the Harry Potter franchise and it looks genuinely spooky! I really don’t like horror movies for the most part, but I do kind of like gothic, olde-timey horror movies. They are still scary but they tend to be less gory and I don’t know, maybe I just enjoy that there’s an extra degree of distance since I don’t actually wear tailcoats and monocles or whatever. OR DO I?! (I don’t.)
Uhhh, ladies? Ladies, do you want this? Because it’s totally cool if you want this but do you want this? Really? A period dramedy about the invention of the vibrator? THE ULTIMATE CHICK FLICK! This whole thing just reminds me of The Road to Wellville and we all know how that turned out.
Faces in the Crowd
Ugh. Face-blindness is an actual thing. The famous neuroscientist Oliver Sacks has it, actually. You can listen to a really great and interesting RadioLab episode about it here. (And then listen to all the other episodes of RadioLab because that show is so good!) But I am pretty sure you don’t get it from getting your hand cut open by a razor blade and then being dunked in the water. Lame. SCIENCE FAIL!
Page Eight Teaser
Yes. Yup. Yes. Next trailer!
Machine Gun Preacher
Oh God damn it all. Look, I’m sure this might be a very good movie as far as movies go. It looks well made. The story seems emotionally compelling, or whatever, and who doesn’t like a tale of uplift and heroism against all odds. And at least this one is based on a true story. But how many movies do we need about BRAVE WHITE PEOPLE doing everything they can to SAVE THE BLACK PEOPLE? Sorry, white people, but you (and I am including myself in that you) are almost categorically in the wrong about this stuff always and you have a long history of pretty FUCKED UP STUFF, so maybe just do your best to get through the day without making it worse, you self-congratulatory pieces of shit.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
9/10ths of the way through this trailer I was thinking that they were very lucky to have Idris Elba in this movie because that was really the only thing redeeming it and then I saw that part about peeing on fire and fuck it, even Idris Elba cannot save you now. (Then again, studios always release their best superhero movies in February so this will probably be great just kidding.)
Roman Polanski, much like Woody Allen, is doomed to forever raise the age-old discussion of whether you can separate the artist’s work from the artist’s life when the artist has done some bad things with that life. In truth, of course you can! It’s easy. Just enjoy the art for what it is, and you genuinely do not need to feel any conflict or guilt or remorse or confusion over that. Seriously. It’s not a problem. That being said, Roman Polanski did drug and sodomize a 13-year-old girl. So, you know, there’s also that.