A couple weeks ago I went to the movies. The theater wasn’t that crowded and I was sitting by myself. Right before the trailers started, a 12-year-old boy sat down right next to me. Uhhhhhh. It was weird! He just plopped right down and started opening up his gummy worms or whatever. I will remind you that, like I said, the theater was not that crowded. Regardless of other rows in the theater, there were plenty of other seats in my row that were not seats right next to my seat. But here he was. It made me really uncomfortable. But then I had one of those weird New York things when you are pressed up against so many people all the time where you start to wonder if you’re being the weird one by wanting a little extra personal space? Well, I’m not sure if that’s an actual New York thing but it’s my New York thing. “Uh oh,” I will think, “I don’t want them to think I’m rude by moving away from them.” As if anyone gives a crap. Anyway, I moved down two seats. It was fine. Although how come I had to move? Shouldn’t that little boy have moved? The point is: I like this better. Stretch your arms out, guys. No little boys allowed. Here we go:
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. I want to go see this movie so bad just so I can yell shit at the screen. Look, that’s a rude thing to do. Don’t ever do it. I’m serious. Movies are really expensive and you might think you are being hilarious but if you are ruining even one other person’s experience who is maybe enjoying the movie then it’s not worth it. So I would only want to see this in a completely empty theater, which, let’s be honest, PROBABLY NOT IMPOSSIBLE. I just want to yell at this movie for the pure joy of the yelling. “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”
We Need to Talk About Kevin
Eek! Yes! Lynn Ramsey makes good movies. This looks so creepy! It is also very smart to put a shot at the end of your trailer of a woman walking through jail but not give any suggestion of what the crime might be. I’m serious. That is so smart. Movie Trailer 101 Class, my name is Professor We Need To Talk About Kevin.
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas
This movie looks like it is going to be absolutely perfect for its audience. Congratulations to everyone involved on both sides of the screen. Congratulations to the people who made it for doing it exactly right to suit their purposes, and congratulations to the audience who is going to appreciate the effort. Not for me. Not a problem. There are other movie fish in the sea. Enjoy it!
Whoa, rousing AND primal? OK! This movie trailer is very confusing. It is about a knife fight in the balkans? Is Gerard Butler still stuck in that videogame from that movie two years ago with the guy from Dexter? Honestly, I have no idea what is going on, and I do think that it would be very frustrating if you were in the blood-spattered, smoky-thick of war with all of the stress and fear and fighting and you had to wait because your boss wanted to settle a vendetta in a factory, but also this movie looks great and I am going to see it. So there’s that.
Excuse me, but do girls really go roller skating in their underwear down bowling alley lanes, like, constantly? And if so, could you please tell me: WHERE ARE THESE BOWLING ALLEY LANES? This looks fine. Again, not really my cuppa, but it does seem like being a young woman is so complicated that every five years or so we need another Girl, Interrupted, or whatever. That sounds dismissive but it’s not intended to be. I genuinely believe that being a young woman IS that complicated and these movies probably help a lot just as some kind of light in the dark, thorny forest of youth and inexperience. Then, as you become an actual woman, they stand out as relatable, well-known and nostalgic guideposts on the journey of life. Or whatever. I don’t know. Girl talk.
Fine. But the line “Do you know how hard it is for me to distance myself from me” is basically the worst line. And I also do not like it when someone says something in a movie trailer, like a snappy snap snappity snap, and then you hear someone laughing, but the snap was said at a dinner table, and the laugh is a barista in a coffee shop. Don’t worry, trailer, we heard the snap, you don’t have to have your own decontextualized laugh track. It’s dumb!