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You Can Make It Up: Alex Trebek’s Last Day On The Force

Gabe Delahaye | July 28, 2011 - 5:45 pm

Alex Trebek put his underwear on and took one last look in the tiny, cracked hand mirror that hung in his locker. It was hard to believe that come tomorrow he wouldn’t be putting on his underwear in here, right in this very spot where he’d put his underwear on every morning before going out and chasing down the bad guys. He knew it was time to pack it in, but he realized in that instant that he was going to miss this musty, run down old precinct locker room more than he ever could have imagined back in the days when he was squabbling with Peretti and Bebop over whose turn it was to buy lunch. Oh well. Alex Trebek strapped on his holster over his underwear, checking one last time to make sure he had put on his underwear, and headed out to the morning briefing.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t detective Auguste C. Dupin come to pay us a visit,” the chief announced to the room, sending all of the other cops into fits of laughter. Alex knew that he was going to get a lot of ribbing today what with it being his last day and all, so he was ready for it, but what would never stop surprising him was how well-read the chief was.

“Ha ha ha, guys, very funny. I get it, I am literally too old for this shit,” Alex Trebek said, and then held his hand out and waggled his fingers like “bring it on,” and everyone just laughed harder at him because remember he was only wearing his underwear (and a gun).

“You are old!” one of the rookies in the back of the room shouted.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROOKIE, OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND SHUT IT FOR YOU,” shouted Officer Giussepe. He was a real hothead just like his people.

“Take it easy, Giussepe,” Trebek said. “He’s just trying to fit in.”

“Hey kid, I’ve got something you can fit in,” said officer Eagleton, who was black. The cops all laughed. Officer Eagleton was talking about his penis.

“Settle down, gentlemen,” the police chief said, and then they had the meeting with all the police business and stuff. Crime was down. But you could never be too careful out on the mean streets. He gave everyone their assignments and some people got new partners and at first they thought they hated the new partners but over time they learned to rely on their partners and ultimately were lifelong best friends. As they got older they would have beer-soaked barbecues in each other’s backyards and complain about their wives while their children made poor decisions thinking that their fathers would just bail them out if it got really bad, or some of them became cops themselves in a long line of cops and other cop stories.

Alex Trebek ate a bunch of donuts. They all did.

“We got a 382 on the radio,” Alex Trebek’s partner said, hitting the siren.

Alex Trebek had his arm out the window and smacked his hand on the roof of the car. “Let’s hit it!” he said. He pulled his underwear on. Cop time.

When they got to the scene, a bunch of people were standing around the body which was splayed out on a bed of broken glass. It looked like the man had jumped from his office. Or was he pushed? Alex Trebek crouched down and poked the body with a pencil as cops always do. “Well? What do you think, boss?” his partner asked.

Alex Trebek pulled his moustache down his lip and looked over it. “Who is murder?”

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then someone shot Alex Trebek and he bled to death in his partner’s arms, just one day before he was going to retire, goddamnit.